How to Argue Well: A Quick Guide to Prioritizing Mutually Beneficial Outcomes and Healthy Relationships in the Midst of Disagreement

I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll say it again: I’m someone who tends to avoid conflicts. I don’t like it when people around me are unhappy, so I try to keep things low-key and positive. However, I’ve come to realize that this approach can be detrimental to my relationships in the long run. It’s like quicksand – the more I try to avoid conflict, the more stuck I become and the less genuine my connections with others become.

Arguing well is a challenging task. It is not an innate skill that most of us possess. It needs to be developed over time by understanding the negative consequences of doing the opposite. Here are five data-informed principles that can help you prioritize healthy relationships and achieve positive outcomes even in the middle of disagreements.

Use I-centered language rather than you-centered language. This is a basic 101-level principal. When you are in heavy disagreement with someone, try your best not to point the finger at the individual. Rather, highlight the problem that the two of you are facing, and how it makes you feel. For example, instead of saying things like:

“You never put away the dishes”

“You never appreciate what I do”

“You always do this or that”

Instead, say things like “I find it difficult to concentrate and get work done in an environment that’s really messy.” Or, “I need a certain amount of recognition of my hard work. I’m working on not being needy, but I need some help to celebrate the things I’ve accomplished.” There are a lot of ways to frame this, but the key is to back away from finger-pointing, physical or verbal. Instead, focus on outcomes, and what’s actually going on.

Be aware of your own internal temperature as you are engaging in the conflict. Are your palms sweaty? Are you overheating or getting rid of the color? All of these could be signs that you are feeling a high degree of frustration or emotional triggering with the situation, and it may be time to reevaluate how the argument is going.

Take time-outs as you need them. When we’re in the heat of the moment, it could be challenging to remember that we have other goals and priorities. Sometimes some space or distance lets us see things more clearly. Consider asking for a five or 10-minute break. When you come back to the conversation, try to bring that new outlook with you.

Practice quality listening. Don’t just listen to prove the other person wrong. Instead, listen to prioritize the relationship. Provide encouraging, nods or verbal cues. Pay attention to what your communicative partner is saying and try to remember it. Demonstrate that you care about them by caring about what they’re saying. This can go a long way to create room for mutually beneficial outcomes

Remember that conflict is not necessarily a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Relational dialectic theory talks about how some of the healthiest relationships push and pull at each other. They provide space for growth and learning, as long as that tension is navigated in a way that prioritizes healthy relationships and keeps in sight, mutually agreeable outcomes, conflict can be a positive experience that grows a relationship.

Finally, don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re all learning. Give yourself some grace and extend it to others too.