How to apologize the right way
Sometimes, an apology is the hardest thing to give.
by: E.B. Johnson
We bathe ourselves in unrealistic expectations, and that can often lead to the most glorious of crashes — inside and out. When we find ourselves in conflict with day-to-day life, apologies often become necessary; but how do you apologize when you’re already in pain?
Apologies are all about putting actions to words and coming to terms with the things we get wrong, and the things we get right. Even though apologies can be painful, they can be healing and cathartic too. Getting to that point takes understanding, though, and radical acceptance of self and reality the likes of which you may never have engaged in before.
What does a true apology look like?
Apologies only work when they come openly and from the heart. A true apology is far more than an, “I’m sorry.” They’re an admission of guilt and an acknowledgement and promise to do better in the future — but, like an iceberg, there’s a lot more to that concept swimming beneath the surface.
A true and meaningful apology contains 6 prmiary aspects:
- An expression of regret
- An explanation of what went wrong
- An accepting of responsibility
- A declaraton of repentence
- An offer of repair
- A request for forgiveness
Without even one of these critical pieces, an apology is little more than words. When we apologize to someone, we aren’t just trying to make amends for what’s happened in the past; we’re also making a promise to do better in future, something that can only be accomplished by will-power, respect and dedication.
Why apologies matter.
Apologies are one of the greatest gifts we can give not only to the person we’ve hurt, but to ourselves as well. Our apologies serve several functions, the least of which is making amends when we’ve messed up or made a wrong turn. When we apologize, we take responsibility for what we’ve done wrong, but we also take responsibility for the healing that comes next.
Giving someone an apology when you’ve broken an important rule of social conduct helps you to re-establish yourself as someone who can be trusted again. It can also return dignity to the people that you’ve hurt and repair relationships that might have been impacted by your bad decisions or poor behavior patterns.
When we apologize (sincerely) we acknowledge that we aren’t proud of what we’ve done, and we signal a desire to return to those best bits of ourselves that get lost in the chaos and pressure of everyday life. Apologizing can reduce our stress and lead us on to brighter horizons, simply by being the door through which we reach our greater potential.
How to apologize to someone you’ve hurt.
We don’t get to choose whether or not we’ve hurt someone. The fact of the matter is — no matter how hard we try — our actions injure others, and those instances require apologies. When apologizing to someone who something you’ve done wrong, it’s important to keep their feelings in mind, but it’s important to keep yours in sight as well. Apologies are only as good as the healing they offer to both injured parties, so use these 8 tips to make the most out of your apology.
1. Be specific; be clear
The most important part of any apology is the specifics, but this takes knowing where you went wrong and what you can do to correct it. If you’re unsure of what you’ve done to cross the other party, ask them — and make sure they’re specific about what went wrong and why it made them feel the way that it did. Once you’re ready to form your apology, be specific and be clear about what you regret, and what you’re going to do to get back on track.
Avoid blanket apologies, and never fall into the trap of assuming you know where things went wrong, or how the injured person is feeling. Likewise, saying things like “sorry you’re upset” is condescending, and don’t convey any regrets short of the discomfort of the other person’s ire. Figure out what you’ve done wrong and take responsibility for the things you can do to make it right.
When apologize, we do so in the hopes of making things right — not glossing things over. Even if you feel as though the other person is not entirely justified in their feelings (spoiler alert: they are) put on a brave face and drop the apathetic substitutes. Give them a true apology and be clear and specific about it. You’ll both appreciate the time and heartache it saves.
2. Listen, listen, listen
In order to truly understand that hurt or injury you’ve caused, you have to be willing to open up your mind and your heart to the reality of the situation and the words, thoughts and feelings of the other party. Listen to what they have to say and drop the defenses or the need to interject and plead your case. True apologies don’t just start with an “I’m sorry”. They start with listening.
Listen to the person you are apologizing to and really take in what they’re saying and where they’re coming from. Try to consider the full breadth of their breadth of their experience and the paths that have led them to this moment; compare them to your own and you just might be surprised at how dramatically it shifts your perspective.
Things are not solved simply because you chose to apologize. Apologies are simply the doorway to something better (when we choose to use them), but it takes putting in work and effort after the fact. We think of apologies as words, but they are truly actions. Actions substantiated on listening to the pain we have caused and stepping up to take responsibility for that pain where we can.
3. Drop the conditions
When you find yourself brandishing an apology that is already coming on the back of a conflict, you can often find yourself harboring the urge to put conditions on your apology. These kind of piecemeal apologies are tempting, but they’re also ineffective and inefficient, leading us down road that generally increase and escalate the conflict we’re experiencing.
Avoid adding conditions to your apology and give what you can, leaving out the rest. Adding too many parameters to your reconciliation will leave you vulnerable to collapse, and will also erase any meaning your apology might have. You’ve already injured the other party — are you really going to make them fight an uphill battle to get back into your good graces now? I wouldn’t want to do that — and you wouldn’t either.
Most often, these types of apologies play out as, “I’m sorry I did A, but if you hadn’t done B, I wouldn’t have been tempted to.” That’s not an apology, that’s an excuse. Drop the crap and be honest with yourself and the other person. You did what you did and you need to make amends. Don’t make your mistakes someone else’s.
4. NEVER apologize for gain
If you’re apologizing in order to get something you want — you’re not apologizing. True apologies are not a means to an end, they’re a means to healnig. Telling someone we’re sorry in order to manipulate them into giving us something we want is nothing short of toxic, and it’s a horrible way to establish connection — especally if we’re looking for something real and lasting.
Before you tell someone “sorry,” make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Take a full assessment of your apology and make sure it’s coming from your heart, not your greed.
Apologies that begin with the thought, “let’s just get this over with” are never the right way to go. If you’re looking at your regret as a means to become comfortable again, or as a means to get someone to do something they may not otherwise have done, reassess where you’re at and try again when you’re ready to step up and take responsibility for building something bigger and better than yourself.
5. Master the art of the rebuild
Apologies might begin with our words, but they are followed through by our actions. The prettiest of apologies is not a substitute for doing the right thing and correcting the wrongs you inflicted. After we apologize to someone, we then have to work to rebuild the trust we share with them, a process that takes time and a certain amount of know-how.
Open yourself up to the work that follows the apology, and master the art of repairing and rebuilding your relationships and connections. Maybe you need to take corrective action in your external world, or maybe there’s some internal work that needs to be done — that can only be determined by yourself and the other party, based on both your wants and your needs.
Stop assuming that your verbal apologies are enough. They aren’t. Even if it wrenches your soul, you have to make actual efforts to right the wrongs and give substance to your “I’m sorry”. Mitigate the damage by putting the work to put things right. You’re the only person that can do that. The decision is yours alone.
6. Realize that explaining is not justifying
When we explain what we did wrong, we often hide behind that explanation as a means of justifying that behavior. Likewise, our partner, spouses and friends might see our explanations as an attempt to justify — but explanations are not justifications and it’s important to keep that in mind when forming the perfect apology.
Just as we listen to the other party in order to understand them, explaining our point of view can often helped the injured person to better understand where we were coming from. There’s a fine line between explaining and making excuses, however, so it’s vital not to confuse the two.
Rather than saying, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, you just make me so mad,” try something like “I’m sorry I lashed out. I get angry when I feel vulnerable and I don’t always keep my emotions in check.” Letting them know where you’re coming from should never involve what they did. That’s an excuse, not an explanation.
7. Be empathetic
If you’ve hurt someone, you’ve hurt someone. You don’t get to undo that, or invalidate their emotions. Things are what they are and there’s no going back or calling them other than what they are. As such, try responding empathetically to the injured party, and keep their feelings in mind. It costs you nothing to be compassionate, especially when it comes to someone you already care for.
Use your body language to express your remorse, and don’t assume that they can just tell from your words how deeply sorry you are. Let the regret pour out of your body, and don’t be afraid to express how deeply the other person’s hurt actually hurts you.
If you find yourself giving an apology with no remorse on the other end, take a step back and reasses your reasons for regret, and whether or not you’re actually ready to give your friend, spouse or partner the true and honest apology they deserve. Chances are, if you’re apologizing without feeling remorseful, you’re apologinzing for the wrong reasons. Take a break, take a second and take stock of where you’re at and how you’re actually feeling.
8. Have a plan
Apologies are only worthwhile if we take them as an opportunity to learn about and correct the behavioral patterns that destroy our happiness and relationships. One you’ve apologized, you also need to come up with a plan from preventing the situation again; otherwise, you risk falling into the same traps again, and again, and again.
Use your apology as an opportunity to explain what you want to change or how you’re going to change it. Let the other person know that you acknowledge your mistakes and don’t want to make them again. Apology is change so embrace that change and express it alongside your remorse. Give the other person the confidence in you to rebuild.
Break out of the cycle of hurt by taking the time to come up with an actionable plan for change. The plan can be one formulated by you alone, but it’s most effective when formulated with the injured party. Put your heads together to identify the problems that led you here, and combine both your needs to come up with the actions you’ll both take to prevent similar disruptions in future. There’s no right or wrong way to come up with a plan; the only incorrect thing is having no plan to fix things at all.
Putting it all together…
We all make mistakes, but apologies (thankfully) allow us to correct those mistakes and repair and rebuild the relationships and partnerships in our lives which give it meaning. Apologies are the building blocks of our potential, but stepping up to the plate and acknowledging our mistakes and the things that we’ve gotten wrong.
Be specific with what you got wrong, and be clear about what you’re going to do better in future. Listen to the other party, and don’t make excuses for yourself or try to justify your behavior; we don’t get to choose whether or not our actions hurt someone — if they’re hurt, they’re hurt. Make sure you’re apologizing for the right reasons and drop all the conditions that make your remorse seem less than what it is. Wear your empathy on your sleeve and have a plan of attack. Apologies are the start of something beautiful, but you’ve got to put in the work and commitment to get there.
