How To Advocate For Yourself When You Feel Like You’re Not Good at That

When being the “squeaky wheel” doesn’t come naturally

Recently my seventh grader had a problem with some other kids in one of his classes.

And by “had a problem,” I mean he was being threatened by another kid.

So I called and talked to an educational administrator at his school, and you know what the school’s response to this other kid intimidating my kid is? My kid needs to speak to the teacher to ask to move seats. Because, as the administrator told me:

“We’re trying to teach the kids they really need to advocate for themselves.”

Fine. Good. But I’d feel better about my 12-year-old’s chances of doing that if I, his middle-aged mother, had ever had one iota of success “advocating for myself.”

Where did the phrase “advocate for yourself” first come from? Did someone, somewhere write a self-help book that became a bestseller because people read it and said, “Hey! Be my own best advocate! That makes perfect sense! I know myself best and what I need and I’ll be super motivated to help myself out, so this is the most genius solution ever!”

(I wouldn’t know what people say when they finish reading self-help books. I’ve read some, and will even admit that some have contained tiny bits of wisdom, but mostly, self-help books set my teeth on edge and I don’t toss them aside lightly, I throw them across the room “with great force.”)

When I hear the phrase “be your own best advocate” it does not strike me as a genius solution. It infuriates me. It smacks to me of people who should be able to do something about a problem situation simply pushing the responsibility to you. Whenever I am in (healthcare, financial, education, self-defense) situations that truly require me to advocate for myself, I am usually not feeling at my physically best or mentally strongest.

Are you? When do you usually need to “advocate for yourself”?

In the case of my son, the adult staff in his school expects him to “be his own best advocate” against another boy charging through puberty at a more ferocious pace, who’s got a few inches and half a hundred pounds on him. And while he’s trying to ignore that, my kid is also supposed to think clearly enough to not only learn math, but also advocate for himself.

Does that seem fair to you?

Whenever I am frustrated lately, the answer always seems to be this same “advocate for yourself” nonsense.

I’m supposed to do it within our school district, to be the “mama bear” everyone thinks I should be to protect my kid.

I’m supposed to do it when someone in my family needs medical care more quickly than can be had. (Have you tried to get a medical appointment lately? One that you’re not prepared to wait for for six months to a year?)

I’m supposed to do it when out in the world and feeling intimidated myself, either by people who are bigger than me, or who might see me as a potential victim if I am outside alone after dark.

I’m supposed to do it when I am overcharged, sold something that doesn’t work, or when any number of interactions I have with customer service or tech support departments go awry.

I’m supposed to do it at work, to not be passed over for promotions or given the least savory duties or hours.

I guess I’d better learn how.

The main problem I have with advocating for myself is that it is an offensive maneuver, and I have a defensive personality.

I’m playing with words here, just a bit. Advocating for oneself means taking the active step of going out there to try and score points for yourself. So there’s that. But also? I find it offensive, as in off-putting.

I actively dislike people who always have the eye on the advantage to themselves. I don’t like people who are bad tippers, who don’t know how to form an orderly line and wait their turn, and who are very good at exerting influence behind the scenes to get what they want. Because we never really want to become what we despise, I have mostly spent my life trying not to do those things.

But evidently in our brave new world of the 21st century, we are all increasingly expected to advocate to ourselves.

So. To the extent that I’ve learned how to do it, this is what I’ve learned about how to best advocate for yourself.

1. First, find the right person to talk to.

Don’t waste all your energy explaining your needs multiple times, to multiple people.

When you first start asking for what you need, try to do a little research or work to find out who has the actual power to fulfill your request. Keep your first contacts calm and to-the-point, and end with this question: Are you the best person for me to speak with about this? Can you tell me who might be best to speak with in your organization?

2. Then, you have to actually TALK with that person.

God, I hate this one. As a writer and an introvert, I don’t really want to talk with you at all. I want to send you an email, or a text. I want you to read this article, and I’ll happily go read yours. I am really only happy when communicating through writing.

But sometimes it is really hard to get a feel for a person or a conversation through email. Sending people emails also gives them more leeway in when they get back to you.

So now when I really, really need to start a conversation and have any hope of getting a quick reply, I have learned I have to pick up the phone, or I have to set an in-person meeting. I still may not get the answer I need, but at least I usually get some kind of result faster.

One small benefit of this method is that I also don’t leave a paper trail. That takes us to item #3.

3. Don’t overexplain, and don’t put it in writing.

When I do talk to people, I talk way too much. I want them to understand me, and I want them to understand what I’m asking for, because then they’ll give me what I want, right?

Wrong.

Sure, we all want to be seen, and understood, and we want someone to admit that we are right.

It’s never going to happen.

Don’t spend a lot of time explaining your request. Just ask. Ask politely, and give the most basic rationale (if you have to). Don’t make demands. If you ask for things, nicely, the other person in the conversation may also be able to think better, and might make suggestions to solve your problem that you hadn’t even thought of asking for.

And really, don’t put it in writing if you can avoid it, not only so there’s no paper trail saved of all the ins and outs of your self-advocacy, but also as a technique. Ask in person and make them say “no” in person (or over the phone).

4. Dig deep and find your persistence.

You may have to talk to several people, and you may have to ask for what you need in several different ways.

Don’t get frustrated. Don’t lie down in your righteousness that things shouldn’t be this way and you shouldn’t have to ask for the basic help that you may need. Remain calm, and keep asking. And asking. And asking again.

And then, if you’re not getting anywhere? Ask someone else.

It may not be in your nature to be pushy. But it needs to become in your nature to not give up when you are advocating for yourself (or teaching someone you love how to advocate for themselves). You don’t have to be rude, and you don’t have to be demanding. A lot of times it can be just as effective to be the pleasant polite person who is always, always, always quietly asking for what they need.

I wish you the best of luck.