How to Act Around a Person with Depression

What to say as well as what not to

Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide, according to the World Health Organization. It’s affecting 264 people around the world, and 800,000 individuals lose their lives to suicide due to this disease each year.

We talk about mental illnesses more often than we ever did. Depression is a common problem, and it’s affecting the entire world. It’s not a taboo topic anymore, although even 15 years ago, we barely discussed it. Luckily, the world has changed. We are more open about our mental struggles than we have ever been. More and more people are opening up about mental issues and seeking help.

There are, however, certain norms you should follow while dealing with someone who has a mental illness, depression in particular. Some things should stay untold, and what you say to a person in depression is essential. Since I have experienced this disease for many years, I’ve decided to compile an unofficial list with behavioural examples.

Disclaimer: This is not a medical or psychological guideline. I am not a medical specialist, which means this cannot be considered a piece of medical advice. This is simply one person’s opinion.

Listen to What They Have to Say

Everyone reacts to their diagnosis differently. Some people remain calm and accept it peacefully; others get anxious and worried. Someone might get upset and have a mental breakdown. It would be best if you never assumed anything about a person with depression.

Let them talk. Listen actively and intently. Assess their willingness to discuss this topic and act accordingly. If they are open to discussion — speak to them about it if they are upset and hurt when mentioning mental struggles — approach with caution. But ensure to listen to everything they want to tell you. Based on that, you will have an idea of what is going on and how you can help.

Ask How You Can Be of Assistance

The most compassionate thing you can do is offer your help. Don’t insist, don’t press and don’t be invasive. Offer assistance and support and wait for them to respond. Someone might say they would instead not bring up this topic and pretend they are okay. Another person may ask for your help in the form of social activities, or talking on the phone every day, or completing the task their therapist assigned.

Be there for your friend as often as you can, to the best of your ability.

Is your depressed friend running a marathon dedicated to mental health? Run with them. Can you not run? Walk with them. You don’t want to walk? Show up and support them. Work out and get ready together. Be there for your friend as often as you can, to the best of your ability.

Establish Boundaries Early On

Setting up boundaries is crucial for both you and your friend. It would help if you let them know what your limits are and what you’re comfortable with. Depending on the nature of the mental illness, you may not feel comfortable bringing up certain subjects. Similarly, your depressed friend may not be willing to share everything under the sun with you.

Be compassionate and understanding, no matter what. Sometimes your friend may cancel lunch on the weekend or may not attend a party. Understand that sometimes they may not have the energy to get out of bed, let alone leave their home. Dealing with depression is tough — remember that.

Be compassionate and understanding, no matter what.

Do Not Push

Be prepared to cancel events, and don’t push your friend to participate in activities. Understand that, often, it takes all their energy to get through the day, or even to complete a few simple tasks. Depression can be insanely tough at times, up to the point when the person may not eat or shower for many days in a row. They may sleep almost the entire day, if not the full week.

The worst thing you can do is push. A depressed individual is very fragile, and the slightest attempt to press can cause them to crumble. “Crumble” is an understatement — they may have a meltdown and lose all the progress they have accomplished. Be patient and gentle.

Be Nice, Kind and Supportive

The main thing someone with depression needs is social support. They need to be around people who treat them nicely, with kindness, and who understand them. Be there for them. Show up. Do you best.

Tell Them Honestly If You Cannot Handle It

If this is too much for you — tell them. Maybe being around your depressed friend is affecting your mental health — let them know honestly, yet carefully. Don’t drop a bomb, as it can hit them hard. As long as you’re open and honest — they should understand.

A depressed person cannot be with someone who is struggling because of their illness. They will start feeling like a burden and develop a sense of guilt. They also need to have strong connections and support; otherwise, it can make depression worse.

Educate Yourself

The moment someone tells you they have depression, you need to open Google and start your research (unless you are already educated on the topic). Listen to your friend, make mental notes, and Google it all after.

By educating yourself on the topic, you will find out what is the best way to:

• Act around a person with depression.
• Talk to them about their illness and any other topic.
• Support them emotionally.
• Be aware of what their disease entails, how it manifests, what is going on with them, and what to expect.

The moment someone tells you they have depression, you need to open Google and start your research.

Things You Should Not Say to a Depressed Person

There are specific phrases and statements you shouldn’t be saying to someone struggling with depression. This should be common sense, but depending on how educated you are on the topic, you may not be aware of the consequences these words carry. So, please sit down and take notes.

“I don’t believe in depression.”

It doesn’t matter if you believe it in or not — it exists anyway. Depression isn’t something people made up with; it’s a medical diagnosis and a legitimate illness. Your personal opinion on the topic doesn’t override the official position of the entire medical community worldwide.

This is one of the worst statements you can come up with. Not everyone who’s depressed is entirely on good terms with their diagnosis, especially if this is a recent development in their medical history. They may be vulnerable, lost, scared, and confused. They are doing their best to cope and accept their situation, which means the absolute worst you could do is poke at them with a sharp stick. An individual who’s diagnosed with depression is experiencing what might be the worse hardship in their lives, and they might be coming to terms with their condition. Devaluing this condition can cause great harm.

It doesn’t matter if you believe it in or not — it exists anyway.

“You just need a hobby.”

News flash: they now have a hobby — depression! This “hobby” might stay with them for a while, and it may also go away and come back at any point. Most likely, your friend has a ton of hobbies as it is. Another news flash: none of those hobbies prevented them from getting depressed in the first place. Please don’t mix up the treatment plan, such as more active social life and coping mechanisms, with the causes and nature of their illness.

Imagine coming over to someone with a leg cast and telling them they need a hobby. A hobby won’t cure their broken limb.

“It’s all in your head.”

Thank you, Captain Obvious. Of course, it’s in their head. Guess what? It doesn’t make it any easier. And the broken leg is a part of your body — so what? Is that a cure? No, the cast is the cure, similar to a depression treatment plan.

As Albus Dumbledore said in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” — J.K. Rowling.

“You need to fill up your schedule and stop thinking about it.”

While this is a sweet sentiment, filling up their schedule won’t fix the problem. It’s a way to self-distract and avoids their illness, not a solution. The more they attempt to pretend everything is all right, the worst it gets. There is a difference between planning social life to help with depression while receiving help and improving mental health, and pretending that everything is okay while making no progress.

Furthermore, increasing the number of work hours can lead to exhaustion, burnout, and suicidal thoughts. South Korea is well-known to have a high number of suicides due to its citizens working more extended hours compared to other nations on the planet. According to Welcome to the Jungle, Koreans see 25 suicides per 100,000 citizens, and almost 20% of their population admits having 10 or more drinks every week trying to cope with stress.

Don’t tell your friends to work harder and longer hours. It may harm them significantly.

“I don’t believe in anti-depressants (or therapy, mindfulness).”

Again, you don’t need to believe in anything — it exists, whether you like it or not. Anti-depressants are approved by medical specialists and scientists worldwide. Therapy has been a known strategy not only for those with depression but for anyone struggling with an issue. Mindfulness is a practice actively followed around the world.

There is no need for you to believe or not believe. Your friend is following the plan their medical specialist provided him. If it requires them to take medication — they have to take medication. If there are no meds, but meditation and reflection journals are a part of it — they will have to do it.

Unless you are a licensed specialist with a medical degree and many years of experience, keep your opinions to yourself.

“But you seem so happy all the time!”

Yes, it takes much effort to put on a facade of calmness and professionalism. It doesn’t mean that the depressed person isn’t slowly dying inside. You also won’t see them cry in the break room during lunch, but they still do it. If someone looks composed and well-put-together, it doesn’t change the fact they might be hanging by a thread. Most of us don’t want to affect others around us negatively.

Unless you are a licensed specialist with a medical degree and many years of experience, keep your opinions to yourself.

“Why are you depressed? You have everything!”

It’s not a matter of having everything or having nothing. One’s possessions and accomplishments don’t dictate happiness and a healthy mental state. If someone who’s depressed drives a Tesla Model X and owns three condos, it doesn’t mean they are mentally healthy, happy, and in peace with themselves.

Similarly to this, some people look at celebrities and expect them to be perpetually happy and well. However, a lot of famous people are admitting they have or had mental issues. They tell us about their struggles with mental health, which is an excellent example of how no one is safe from depression and other mental disorders. It’s phenomenal that celebrities are using their voices to discuss such important topics.

Having everything doesn’t constitute being fine. People from less fortunate countries probably look at us and think we have everything; therefore, we must always be happy. This is not always the case.

“Just snap out of it.”

I can’t just snap out of it, Karen. There is no “snapping out” of depression in a matter of seconds. Approach this the same way you would approach a patient with a broken leg. Are you going to tell him the same thing? I imagine this dialogue:

“Hey, man, just snap out of it!”

“Um… My leg is broken, and I have a cast.”

“It doesn’t matter. Snap out of it!”

You understand how ridiculous this is. Mental illness requires proper treatment and often involves multiple doctors’ approval. It takes months or even years. So, please, don’t suggest anything that can be upsetting to your friend who has depression. It will only make them feel worse, if not worthless.

“My friend, Kevin, dealt with his depression in a month, so can you.”

I’m super happy for Kevin, but everyone is different. Every mental issue is unique, as well. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. Even if two people have the same problem, they may have been treated differently. Maybe they have been taking different medications or taught different coping mechanisms. Something as small as work schedule can make a difference in one’s mental health, because depression can manifest earlier in the day for some people, and later for others. Even a slight variation in the diet can spark a change. Therefore, don’t mention any Kevins. You don’t know their precise diagnosis and mental state.

“You need to try this [insert mushroom/vitamin/online class].”

No, I don’t need to try the magical mushroom. If a doctor doesn’t approve a treatment, the patient with a mental problem should not be exploring it. Again, if something worked for one person, it doesn’t mean it will work for another one. There are thousands of people claiming online that they find a cure for depression, cancer — and a ton of other diseases. If the doctor doesn’t approve it, it’s not happening.

“Your anti-depressants are making it worse. Try aromatherapy instead.”

Thank you, Karen, but lavender oil won’t cure the depression. Orange oil won’t help either. While it’s nice to turn on the diffuser and spray the oils, this isn’t a treatment plan. Lavender does indeed calm you down, and sweet orange oil scent may distract you from spiralling down the negative thoughts rabbit hole. However, this is a temporary solution. Essential oils are not FDA-approved as an anti-depressant.

On a Personal Note

I was diagnosed with depression almost six years ago, and it’s a part of my life at this point. It’s not as bad as it sounds: I have been managing it quite well from the very beginning, and even though some times are worse than others, overall, it’s been okay. It’s a journey, just like anything else.

The crucial component of getting better is surrounding yourself with decent people who provide proper social support. Cutting out those who don’t help or even harm you is essential. If someone tells me they don’t understand how depression works or how I feel — I’m okay with that. But only as long as they make an effort to understand me, educate themselves, and be there for me. It’s not that difficult — Google and YouTube would do the trick. However, if your friend isn’t willing to invest time and effort into research, and they are not supporting you — cut them out. It’s not about them “not understanding,” it’s about their indifference towards you and your health. Only those who don’t care about us aren’t putting any effort into it. They should be compassionate, understanding, gentle, and willing to provide moral support. If they don’t — they are not your friend.

In a weird twisted way, depression makes many things more transparent. It helps to see who is your friend, and who loves you. Everyone else should not have a place in your life.