How They Treat You is a Reflection of Them, Not of You
It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you
My friend is sitting across the table and looks me straight in the eye to say this. I’ve loved assholes before. I’ve loved a lot of them. It doesn’t say anything about me. I chose to see the best in them. It’s not my fault they didn’t live up to that. It doesn’t say anything about me that I loved them, and they were assholes. It says something about them. She pauses to make sure this is getting through my often-thick skull. It doesn’t say anything about you either.
She says this more eloquently, but you get the picture. When we fall for someone who turns out to be entirely different than who we thought they were, it can feel like a betrayal, but it also feels like there must be something wrong with us that we didn’t see it all along. I felt hurt, angry, and — perhaps most of all — foolish.
Was everything I believed about him a lie? Was the relationship itself an illusion? And, if so, what did that say about me that I didn’t even realize it until that moment?
It’s the simplest thing in the world to beat ourselves up for the relationships we had when we didn’t know any better. We want to think that we missed the obvious signs and that if we did something differently, we could have avoided the hurt. Maybe that’s true. Since we can’t go back, we can only go forward, and we have the chance to learn from those experiences or we’ll just end up repeating those lessons.
Not every relationship is meant to last. Endings can hurt, and healing takes time. Amicable breakups and conscious uncoupling may be the ideal, but they are only occasionally the reality. When we’re dealing with other people’s hurt and anger, here are a few things to remember.
“What other people think of you is none of your business.” ~Regina Brett
It’s difficult to feel misunderstood, but in the end, we cannot control the way other people see us. Their interpretation of who we are and even their spin on the relationship isn’t a narrative we can control. When a relationship is done, it’s best to end contact and move on.
Don’t check in with mutual friends. Don’t check their social media. Just move forward. They might not have understood us, and it changes absolutely nothing.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ~Anaïs Nin
I thought about what my friend said. My former partner’s actions didn’t reflect who I am as a person. They reflect him. His story. His past experiences. His interpretation of who I am based on who he is. They don’t reflect my truth.
The opposite is also true. The way I saw him was a reflection of who I am and how I felt about him. I didn’t see that side of him because I always saw the best. When any ugliness managed to peek through, I was able to draw on compassion and love to overlook it. How I viewed him and how I viewed our relationship was a reflection of me and doesn’t, perhaps, reflect the truth of us. Nor can I ever fully understand the truth of him — and, frankly, I’ve lost interest in trying.
“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.” ~W.C. Fields
At the end of the day, how other people see us isn’t what defines us. When we are secure in ourselves, other people’s opinions might hurt our feelings, but it won’t change our self-worth.
People who love and care about us will also support us. They’ll be kind. If they point out our faults, they won’t do so in a way that makes us feel worthless. They won’t disrespect us, even in disagreement. Anyone who would do otherwise has become toxic.
“Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice.” ~Unknown
Sometimes, we need to consider the source of the opinion. If the other person is someone we respect, maybe we should consider the feedback. However, if we’ve lost respect for them, we might want to consider how much their criticism is worth.
When I want brutally honest advice, I have a few friends I call. Each of them will give it to me straight without sugar-coating it. They don’t make me feel worthless or malign my character, but they will let me know the truth even if it’s something I won’t like. I have people like this in my life I can trust. I would take their advice, and I can trust their criticism.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou
Sometimes, other people deceive us. They show us the aspirational version of themselves instead of who they really are. But often, we are the ones who deceive ourselves. We see red flags and look away.
This doesn’t mean we should beat ourselves up in the healing process of getting over a relationship. It does mean we should learn from the experience. It may mean slowing down our relationships so we can see the signs or learning to walk away when a formerly good relationship goes bad.
We need to keep our eyes open, not just our hearts, and we need to love ourselves enough to do what is best for us even if it hurts. We all deserve love and respect. Anything less is unworthy of us.
Grief isn’t a linear process. Healing takes its time. I have to be careful not to gaslight myself into thinking that I should already be healed, that there’s something shameful in taking so long to get over someone I loved just because they stopped loving me or turned out to be different than I thought.
How other people treat us is often a reflection of their own journey. It rarely has anything to do with us. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. We’re allowed to feel that pain and acknowledge its presence. Then, we choose if we’ll let the experience make us bitter or make us better. We choose what we do next.
Today, I lean into forgiveness and compassion because I have enough room in my heart to understand that hurt people still hurt people. But I’m not letting it change how I see myself. I take a deep breath and keep going. It feels like, finally, healing.
