How These 5 Tiny Events Have Massively Shaped My Life

From understanding the effects of pent-up emotions to the power of introspection

In my 20 years on earth so far, I’ve undergone a lot of deaths. And every time I’ve died, a stranger has taken my place. If you brought my 17-year-old self in front of my present self, “No way that’s me. That’s a stranger.”, I would say.

My 14 and 18-year old selves aren’t any different either. As Tom Kuegler says, “Life is just a series of personal deaths” and just like a potter shaping a spinning lump of mud into beautiful art, these personal deaths have shaped my life.

Interestingly, every one of these landslide changes was triggered by small and seemingly insignificant events.

Having My Bottle Smashed to Smithereens

Unable to hold it in any longer, “C-ca-ca-can I u-u-use the washroom?” I blurt. Loud sniggers. “Y-y-you c-c-can”, the teacher replies with a smirk on his face. Louder sniggers.

Turning a deep shade of red, I hastily walkout. Stuttering was just one of the reasons for which I was bullied in middle school. I was skinny fat, lacked facial hair, was shy, soft-spoken, wore glasses, and topped every exam.

But it wasn’t too bad, at least not at first. Only occasional sniggers and toxic jokes until one evening.

We are walking back from school and as usual, a few are picking on and making jokes at the expense of the others. One of them is dripping with poison and bent upon making me regret my existence.

I bear with him until my tolerance runs out and I reply with a sharp rejoinder. He looks dumbfounded. Everyone looks dumbfounded.

Recovering himself, he grabs me by my collar, snatches my water bottle, and smashes it on the ground with all his might. “How’s that ha? That should show you your place, bloody wuss”, he spits before walking away.

I don’t remember how long I stood there, it could have been 5 minutes or 15. But two things presented themselves clearly — the bullying was serious and I had done something close to standing up for myself for the first time.

The bullying got worse but things got better — I now bore it with patience and hope as opposed to cowardice and hopelessness earlier.

The Bottom Line

In retrospect, I could have properly stood up to the bullies or sought help but I lacked the courage to do either. I instead accepted and tried to endure it. Big mistake, as later — when the pent-up emotions surfaced, I became a bully myself.

In any undesirable situation in life, there are only two options — change it or accept it. But acceptance when change is possible as in my case leads to unhappiness.

“When the pent-up emotions surfaced, I became a bully myself.”

True acceptance can ensue only from the knowledge that the situation is truly out of your control. The converse holds true as well — when the situation is truly outside your control, acceptance is the best thing you can do.

It was through acceptance that Austrian Psychologist Viktor Frankl survived the holocaust despite being locked up, tortured, overworked and underfed. As he says,

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

“True acceptance can ensue only from the knowledge that the situation is truly out of your control.”

Giving in To a Friend’s Nagging

When I switched schools for 11th grade, the new people and environment helped me recover from the bullying. I lost my stutter and regained my confidence and self-esteem.

Midway, a friend of mine started nagging me to join the gym. “Bro, you can get fit, maybe even jacked as f.”; “At least give it a try. You have nothing to lose.”; “Just come with me once, you don’t have to lift even a single dumbbell.”

Despite the idea of me working out seeming ridiculous, to humor the poor chap, I gave him a visit. While he was busy on the treadmill, I spotted another classmate with rippling arms and bulging veins.

Holy sh*t! In school, despite the uniform, he had looked jacked but not this jacked.

As I am gawking at him, he recognizes me, walks over with a smile, and says, “Hey! It’s a surprise seeing you here. Joining?” to which I reply, “No way. Working out ain’t for me. I could workout all my life and not look like you.”

“I didn’t always look like this. I never played sports and used to be skinnier than you. I’ll get you jacked, don’t worry.” Well, I was sold. I started working out and I got hooked.

“How had I not discovered this earlier?”, I thought as I worked out with a passion I never knew I possessed. The results came and well, remember what I said about becoming a bully earlier?

Gaining muscle along with a new gang of friends made me one. In my head, it was retribution for everything I had been through.

The Bottom Line

The pent-up negative energy from the bullying acted like a double-edged sword — fuelling both my workouts and the bully. Looking back, what I had to do was not bully others but rather help the ones that were being bullied.

To quote Uncle Ben, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Working out gave me great power in the form of confidence, courage, and the build to stand up for myself.

“What I had to do was not bully others but rather help the ones that were being bullied.”

Channel any negative energy that you store up to fuel something positive. It could be sculpting your body, writing your heart away, or painting the next masterpiece.

Being Addressed as Uncle

When I joined college, the feeling of being away from home and the sudden freedom felt exhilarating. Guess what I did? I descended into a binge eating and watching habit.

Needless to say, I gained weight, a lot of it. Everyone called me “big” and I felt good, powerful even. I strutted around with my arms flared out and bragged about how my shirt size was XL.

I was back home thanks to Christmas vacations when one morning, I hear the doorbell ringing aggressively. “F*ck my life. Can’t even shower in peace”, I roll my eyes as I grab a towel and make my way to the door.

“I strutted around with my arms flared out and bragged about how my shirt size was XL.”

A postboy, who I figured was around my age, says, “Uncle, you have a courier,” and shoves a brown package into my hands before leaving. Recovering from the shock, I latch the door and rush to the mirror.

Well, he wasn’t to blame for calling me uncle as I actually looked like one thanks to my paunch, face fat, dark circles, shabby hair, and scraggly beard. This shook me awake to the realization that I needed to lose weight.

And the ensuing summer, I did.

I lost around 50 lbs in 6 months. I gained a visible six-pack and even competed in a bodybuilding show. It felt unreal.

The Bottom Line

Not only did I lose weight but I also kept it off as this made me start to take fitness seriously. Looking back, the postboy did me a huge favor, one that both of us didn’t realize at the time.

In life, comments and criticism are plenty while compliments are scarce. But you don’t have to let criticism affect you in a negative way. When you look at it from a positive perspective, an avenue for self-improvement shows up.

“In life, comments and criticism are plenty while compliments are scarce.”

Our world is how we perceive things and since we can control our perception, we can control our world.

Losing a Class Election

High school ended. College started. I was still an arrogant prick with a short fuse that liked to use dirty slang and pick on others.

I made friends but I seriously doubt any of them really liked me. Who would like someone that liked to beat his own drum, be unable to take a joke, and constantly swore?

I wouldn’t, but my dumb past self was oblivious to all this. He had a lot of “friends”, he was “big” and he was content. As my first year drew towards an end, college elections appeared around the corner.

I decided to stand for the class rep position. After some good campaigning that included a poster, a speech, and going door to door, I was confident of winning.

But I lost, by a tiny margin. It was disappointing but nothing serious. It was when I found out how I lost that things became serious.

“The signs had always been there, it was I that had blindfolded my eyes.”

Few that didn’t even know me had campaigned against me. They didn’t know the other candidate either but that didn’t matter. Anyone would be better than me was their motto. Why the strong antipathy?

As I entertained the thought that maybe something was wrong with me for the first time, a cascade of memories washed over me. How secrets were kept from me, subtle innuendoes out of the fear of direct insults

And the Truth Or Dare game where one of my “friends” spelled out my name when asked who he would least want to be roommates with.

The signs had always been there, it was I that had blindfolded my eyes.

The Bottom Line

This stirred something within me and in the ensuing summer, not only did I lose weight thanks to the postboy but I also drastically changed mentally and discovered the power of solitude and introspection.

“I used to fear solitude but now, I need it.”

Now, introspection is as natural as eating or sleeping to me. It helps me “catch up” with myself, stay self-aware, and constantly undergo self-improvement. I used to fear solitude but now, I need it.

Spend time alone, reflect on your thoughts and actions and examine your mental makeup.

Self-improvement starts with being self-aware.

Almost Killing Myself Trying to Lose Fat

Post my summer weight loss, I continued to lose weight, albeit at a more aggressive pace.

Soon, I was cycling 30 km in total, thrice a week, working out 2 hours+ the other four days, and eating less than 900 calories a day. To put the last one into perspective, I eat that much in a single meal now.

I lost weight but also lost muscle, strength, vitality, and almost my sanity. I refused to eat out, canceled dates with my girlfriend at the time, and sat in my room, gobbling down egg whites.

“When I finally stopped, I had become an anorexic shell of my previous self.”

Dark circles, zero energy, zero sex drive, sickly pallor, sunken cheeks, loose skin, and constant questions regarding my health. “Bro, are you sick?”, “No, I am just losing weight.”, “Take care man. Might want to take it easy. You don’t look too well.”

I didn’t take care. I didn’t take it easy. I pushed on. When I finally stopped, I had become an anorexic shell of my previous self. “You looked much better before.”, “Why did you do this to yourself.”

Not only had I become anorexic, but I had also become super disciplined. If you say that’s a good thing then yes, it is but I felt internally conflicted and unhappy.

When I returned home and my mom looked me over with a pained look in her eyes, I realized I had made a mistake, I had gone overboard.

The Bottom Line

I had jumped from one extreme to the other, all the while forgetting that moderation was the key.

“Drinking a lot of water can kill you but so can too little.”

Now, I am a strong believer in balance. I work out regularly, eat clean, stay productive but I also go out to eat, skip a workout when I really don’t feel like it, and spend quite some time leisurely.

Nothing is inherently good or bad, it’s too much or too little that causes the problem. Drinking a lot of water can kill you but so can too little. It’s all about finding the balance.

Final Thoughts

In life, every undesirable situation or event offers you two choices — accept, learn and use it to fuel positive change or sulk and wallow in self-doubt and self-pity.

Always choose the former. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.

Take a mindful approach to life. The signs are always there, we just have to train ourselves to be able to see them. Reflect on and examine your experiences, actions, beliefs, and thoughts regularly.

“The signs are always there, we just have to train ourselves to be able to see them.”

You can devour all the self-help books, motivational podcasts, and advice of gurus but unless you recognize the need to change, you won’t be able to change.

Real change comes from within. So the real question is — are you willing to change?

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