How the Masters Communicate in Intimate Relationships Vs. the Disasters
The Four Horsemen — words matter.
Words matter. The words you speak to others can have a lasting impact — positive or negative — especially on those important to you. Words may be free, but how you use them could cost you — in your intimate relationships, in your job, in your friendships, in all aspects of human interactions.
When it comes to communicating with loved ones, especially our partners, we tend to be less particular when choosing our words. Blurting out insensitive comments, even accidentally, directed at our partner creates disconnection.
Too often, people assume their partners, children, parents, close friends, will always be here, no matter which words we choose when we communicate. But we need to be careful with our words, because once spoken they can be forgiven, but not forgotten.
Words hang in the air.
“Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate, and to humble.” — Yehuda Berg
If you want to make your relationship last, learn to communicate with your partner in a way that will not cause permanent damage; this may be more difficult during arguments.
Nearly every relationship has its own set of ongoing disagreements — issues that won’t die. Sixty-nine percent of conflict in a marriage never gets resolved. Some issues perpetually come up in marriage. These issues turn into years of bickering over the same problems again and again.
“Sixty-nine percent of relationship conflict is not solvable. Couples therapy is about helping people accept their differences.” — John Gottman, Ph.D.
You will never come to an agreement with your spouse on some matters.
If these issues are not changeable, then, what do you do in a relationship to make a difference and turn the conflict around — perhaps not to agree — but to live harmoniously with different ways of doing things.
The answer lies in the “how” of how you talk about the conflict. How you communicate about each of your differing perspectives matters most. How you disagree with each other matters, not what it is you disagree with.
According to Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, words and how we use them (communication), with our partners, can predict the end of a relationship with staggering accuracy. Negative communication styles, or what Dr. John Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” used as a metaphor, describe communication styles that predict, according to his research, the end of a relationship.
“The Four Horsemen” are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
If these negative communication behaviors are not changed Gottman can predict the failure of a relationship with over 95% accuracy.
The degree to which he is successful at predicting which relationships will end is fascinating and why I’m a reader of his work. Gottman monitored couples and how they communicate for seven years, analyzing the data of over 3,000 couples.
Masters vs. Disasters
Gottman studied how effective communicators act in relationships and how ineffective communicators behave in relationships and named them the Masters and the Disasters, respectively.
Gottman found the two types deal with conflict and communication very differently.
Criticism
Disasters — “You’re the problem.”
The Disasters criticize and have a way of complaining that suggests their partner’s personality is defective.
Example — “You know you talked about yourself all though dinner, you never asked me about my day. What is wrong with you?!?”
Masters — “You know you talked about yourself all through dinner, and you didn’t ask me about my day. I would really like you to ask me about my day.”
The Masters are good at asking for what they need and aren’t afraid to be vulnerable.
Defensiveness
Disasters — The Disasters automatically get defensive and take a stance. Defensiveness is just an underhanded way of blaming your partner for the disagreement.
There are two ways of getting defensive:
- Warding off an attack with righteous indignation or meeting a complaint with a counter-complaint.
- Playing the innocent victim and whining, (insert whiny voice), “I cared about your day! I really did. I was interested in your day.”
Masters — Masters respond and take responsibility, even if only for a small part of the problem. The Masters talk about themselves, their feelings, and what they need.
Tone matters here, as well as words — one little word can change the tone of a statement drastically.
Masters — “You know you talked about yourself all through dinner, and you didn’t ask me about my day. I would really like you to ask me about my day.”
Or,
When your partner says, “You know, you talked about yourself all through dinner, and you didn’t ask me about my day. I would really like you to ask me about my day.”
Masters — “Good point. I was really stressed out during dinner. The drive home was awful. I don’t think I listened to anyone today. You’re right. I probably wasn’t listening to you. So how was your day?”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one partner emotionally withdraws from conflict. The listener withdraws from the conversation all together without resolving the disagreement.
Stonewalling equates to shutting down.
To understand how the Masters and the Disasters are different when it comes to stonewalling, Gottman studied the listening skills of the couples in his research.
Disasters — The Disasters stonewall; they look down, exhibit no facial movement, have no vocalization. The person speaking doesn’t think he or she is getting through.
Masters — When listening, Masters give off a lot of signals to the speaker that they are listening and tracking what the speaker is saying by maintaining eye contact, nodding their heads, uttering brief vocalization and empathic murmurings.
Masters — Masters can repair. They can have a recovery conversation once they’ve calmed down. When conversations devolve and get heated, they know when to walk away, and they return when they are calm.
Masters say, “I’m sorry,” and have a recovery conversation, “Can we talk about it.” Masters also have a sense of humor during conflicts.
Disrespect and contempt
Contempt is often a sense, from one partner, of superiority and will often come across as sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor.
You feel superior to your partner, like you are above them, and you talk down to them. You think and act like you are better than them; you are cleaner, more punctual, smarter, or more organized. The list goes on. You talk down to your partner, become contemptuous by calling your partner names or directly insulting them.
Disasters — “What a jerk you are, you only talk about yourself.”
Masters — The alternative to contempt is respect, being proud of the people you love. The Masters create a culture of appreciation; they say “thank you” to their partner for the small things they do.
Masters —
“Thank you for picking up the dry cleaning.”
“I enjoyed our conversation at dinner.”
“I watched you playing with the kids last night, and it was beautiful.”
The Masters communicate not only affection but respect.
The main difference between Masters and Disasters
Masters create a habit of mind that looks for positive attributes about their partners.
Instead of scanning the environment for things to criticize and put down about their partners, Masters scan the environment for something they can praise and appreciate about their spouse.
When conflict is in gridlock, Masters know how to move the conflict from gridlock to dialogue. Even when there is no resolution to a problem, the Masters know how to keep the conversation going in a way that allows for a safe place for each person to express their dreams, desires, and opinions.
In Gottman’s work — and this may sound obvious — he found the people who stayed married had a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative comments.
Relationships that have a rich climate of affection, humor, fun, and intimacy — the positive stuff — those are the relationships that last.
As Mother Teresa so wisely said,
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”
Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering type-A personality. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.
