How technology is making us passive-aggressive (and how to put a stop to it)

Passive-aggressive tendencies are ruining our online relationships. Mad about it? Thank the nature of tech.

by: E.B. Johnson

We live in a technological age. Like never before, we are connected to the world around us with smartphones, emails, social media, text messages and apps that even augment the reality around us. Though we might be plugged into the people around us like never before, however, our relationships seem to be more fraught and strained than we’ve known them. That’s because the same technology that is making real-time, around-the-clock connection possible has — in a number of ways — corroded our most important interactions.

Passive-aggressive behavior is one of the nasty-side effects of a society, “plugged-in”. Because we spend so much time talking through our hard, cold devices, we forget how to really talk to one another, and that can lead to anger and avoidance that manifests in some troublesome ways. Overcoming our passive-aggressive tendencies takes time and it takes cultivation of a certain awareness. It can be done, however, with some understanding and a willingness to shut things down when they go wrong.

What does passive-aggressive behavior look like?

Passive-aggressiveness is the tendency to engage in indirect expressions of hostility through subtle insults, stubbornness, sullen behavior or a deliberate failure to do what has been promised. Because passive-aggressive behavior is indirect, it can often be hard to spot. Identifying this toxic manifestation is important, however, to avoid some serious psychological consequences.

Signs of chronic passive-aggressiveness.

Those who are chronically passive-aggressive are the most dangerous to our peace of mind, often engaging in behaviors that are very serious and sabotaging in their nature.

Passive-aggressive behavior most commonly manifests in a few different ways:

• An unreasonable nature that is impossible to deal with.
• Inability to express hostility directly.
• Repeating of subterfuge over and over again.
• Intentional creation of an uncomfortable living or working environment.

These behaviors may be directed toward a single person or a group, it doesn’t matter to the passive-aggressive person who feels themselves slighted.

The root causes of these types of subtle hostilities are varied and complex. Whatever reasons an individual has for treating their loved ones and coworkers with this type of mean behavior, however, you can be sure that the roots run fast and deep.

Why does tech make us so passive-aggressive?

Our digital connectedness interferes in our human bonds like nothing we’ve ever seen before. Because we’re so connected (and because so much of our online presence depends on comparisons to, and approval of, others) we lose touch with our authentic selves and the truths we really need to speak.

While every case is different, there are generally 4 root reasons our technology makes it so hard for us to honestly communicate. Overcoming starts with understanding them.

An unlimited audience.

Passive-aggressive behavior generally occurs one a one-to-one basis, but that’s not the case when the internet or social media is applied. With online passive-aggression, your audience is limitless.

Thanks to screenshots, text and emails — we can share the things we like and don’t like endlessly and instantly.

Gone are the days when just one person was the subject of our ire; there are now entire audiences we can loathe, safely from behind the comfort of our smartphone screens.

The troll trap.

If you’re someone who already struggles with passive-aggressive tendencies, technology can offer a particularly alluring honeypot known as “trolling”. Internet trolls are known for anonymously sowing discord and instigating conflict online by posting upsetting comments and sparking inflammatory discussions.

These trolls operate in a faceless world, taking no responsibility for their behavior and injuring those around them carelessly and with no heed for respect or decency. Being mean can be addicting, but it’s dangerous. Avoiding is the key to staying happy online and off.

Removing the human from humanity.

In a normal conversation, two people face one another in the same physical space (or over the phone) making it easier to read expression, vocal tips and other social signifiers that tip us off to what’s really going on beneath the surface. Texts, emails and Facebook posts remove these elements of human communication and make it more difficult to interpret the true feelings and thoughts of the people around us.

A guiltless, free-for-all.

Perhaps more than anything, technology presents us with the opportunity to take jabs at those we don’t like in a detached and guilt-free fashion. Social media and internet forums have made it simple — and acceptable — to “get back” at other people in a number of ways.

So much of what we say and do happens behind a keyboard now, that we don’t have to take as much responsibility for our words and the consequences they have. Taking jabs while avoiding direct confrontation is the bread and butter of platforms like Facebook and Twitter, making it one of the most toxic factors of the technology boom.

The behaviors of an online passive-aggressive.

There are a number of common passive-aggressive behaviors that we all engage in online. Social media, however, is where the most repeat offenses occur — splitting up friendships and even close family bonds thanks to the layers of passive-aggressive discord that fill the platforms. Putting an end to passive-aggressive behavior online takes knowing how to spot the signs and put a stop to them before they begin. That however, takes some know-how and some brutal honesty.

Vaguebooking

While everyone has their own specific problems and emotions, social media is not always the best place to share them. Though there’s nothing specifically wrong with vaguely alluding to hardship in your life online, using it to seek out attention can aggravate your friends, family and followers.

If you want help, you need to learn how to ask for it, and you need to learn how to do it up front and in-person.

Dealing with serious emotional distress is difficult, and it sometimes takes the helping hand of close friend of family member. Using these situations as a desperate ploy to get attention, however, will only leave you isolated when you do actually need a helping hand.

Mocking standards.

Passive-aggressive people love nothing more than using technology to “defy rules” and stir up drama in the mainstream sphere. They purposefully make snide remarks or demeaning comments that are meant to belittle those that take part in activities they find “inferior”. Mocking standards is one of the most common passive-aggressive online behaviors out there, and it’s one of the most infuriating as well.

Assisting in the flow of information.

Some on our P.A. acquaintances don’t even go so far as making the jabs and comments themselves. Sometimes, they take out their anger or hostility by simply aiding in the transmission of harmful or embarrassing information — a sin of omission, rather than action…but a sin all the same.

When passive-aggressive individuals are confronted with sensitive information about someone who has irritated or aggravated them, they often assist in the flow of that information, rather than shutting it down.

This behavior allows them to take an active (yet inactive) role in the belittling of someone they see as an enemy or threat, while also allowing the blunt of the blame to pass them by. Even if they have a sense of duty, they will often deny it in order to inflict a hurt without taking on any of the guilt. Assisting in the flow of information is the same thing as creating the information, but to the P.A. all behaviors are justified.

Cyberbullying.

No one engages in cyberbullying better than the passive aggressive. Technology has made it simple to harass, demean and belittle someone in a matter of moments.

In the midst of your rage, you can share texts, photos and posts that have the power to go viral, destroying lives and relationships in one fell swoop. Our tech has made our audiences unlimited, and it’s therefore made our cruelty and passive-aggressive behaviors limitless too.

Cyberbullying has become a toxic force in schools, workforces and even entire industries — with children as young as 10 years old taking their lives thanks to the cruelty of “friends” (and strangers) in the online sphere.

The backhanded compliment.

The passive-aggressive individual is a master of charm, and that doesn’t necessarily end when they’re undercutting us with a backhanded compliment. These are the people who love to leave off-putting comments on our proudest achievements or happiest moments.

At first, their demeanor appears complimentary, but it’s not long before you find the demeaning thread that runs through the entire conversation. Before you know it, you find yourself trapped in a conversation that is little more than one big thinly-veiled jibe.

Insincere compliments are the primary way P.A. people sneak in their nasty insults, in the hopes that you’ll react poorly (in a public forum). Even when they do get a rise, they’ll claim that things were taken the wrong way or they were “only trying to help”. The insincere compliment has one purpose and one purpose only, however: put you in your place and keep you feeling bad about yourself.

How to stop online passive-aggressive behavior in 5 steps.

Though passive-aggressive behavior might be becoming the new “social norm” — there are concrete steps we can take to protect our peace of mind and our important online connections. Defeating passive-aggressive behavior online can be done in 5 simple steps, but it takes courage and a bit of know-how. Learning how to stop this behavior online is key to creating an experience you can joy and one that doesn’t detract from your wellbeing.

Step 1: Discovering the patterns.

As with any problem, addressing passive-aggressive encounters starts with discovering the patterns and recognizing the signs of a brewing conflict. Passive-aggressive behavior is a cycle and one that has some concrete triggers that are easily recognizable when you know what you’re looking for.

These behaviors change from case to case, but they most often center around snide remarks made directly (or indirectly) to the other person or party. They might also shut down conversations with a “fine” or “whatever”, and carry arguments far past their normal conclusion with excuses that make sure the whole encounter is not their fault.

They might also stop talking to you, share unflattering photos or information with others and even go so far as to report images and posts — getting accounts or posts blocked entirely. There are a million different ways someone can indirectly express anger or hostility online and none of them are productive. Know the patterns so you can stop the cycle before it starts.

Step 2: Refuse to engage.

This is the simplest step in the plan — and often the hardest. When we’re confronted with passive-aggressive behavior, the real trick is not to engage. That can be difficult however, when you’re dealing with someone who says one thing and then does another. Refuse to engage and don’t put up with excuses like:

• “It’s just a joke.”
• “It’s no big deal, seriously.”
• “Whatever. I’ll delete it.”
• “I didn’t say it! I’m just telling you.”

Avoid another argument but make it clear that you won’t be a part of their manipulative games. It can be hard to walk away when someone is egg you on, but it’s imperative to maintaining your inner peace and wellbeing. There is a way to resolve the conflict, but you have to do it on your terms not theirs. The passive-aggressive wants to get you on weak, emotional ground. Don’t let them.

Step 3: Affirm the emotions.

In order to address the emotions that lead to conflict, we have to affirm them and accept them for what they are and what caused them. Rather than reacting in the moment (before you have time to honestly assess your emotions and where they’re coming from), remove yourself from the situation, take a step back and take some deep breaths.

Assess how the other person’s behavior is making you feel and get in touch with your true feelings about the situation before you lash out or give the other P.A. person what they want.

When you’ve had some time to think about how you feel — as well as what you want to say — bring up your issues with the other person in a private and / or personal forum where you can address the conflict up front and calmly from every point of view.

Affirm your emotions and affirm the other person’s emotions too. Ask them why they have behaved the way they have, and ask if they understand why that behavior has made you feel sad, or angry, or hurt.

Step 4: Rein-in the denial.

Allow the other person to make their case and listen when they do. There will be denials abound. Let them fly and give the person the other space they need to dig their grave or make excuses.

Once the other party has had the space and time to make their case, let them know in no-uncertain-terms what the facts of the situation really are. If there’s a legal case to be made — let them know. Make it clear what your boundaries are and what you will and will not tolerate.

If you need to cut the person out, cut them out, but tell them that you’re doing it and let them know the clear reasons for your exile, with specific examples and a logical presentation. You might never come to a resolution with the other party, but you can rein in their denial. We don’t get to choose whether or not our actions injure or irritate other people — but we can choose how we move on from it. Address your problems and put the denial to rest.

Step 5: Perform an autopsy.

Once we’ve dealt-with and resolved a P.A. conflict, it’s important to perform and autopsy and reassess how we handled things and what worked and what didn’t work. Our ideals, expectations and boundaries must be stated, restated, reinforced, rehearsed and reiterated over and over again.

Tech makes it easy to take jabs at the people around us, and it makes it even easier to believe it’s okay to be on the receiving end of such treatment.

It’s not though, and the autopsy is critical in remembering who we are and what behavior we will and won’t tolerate. Learning is only possible when you take the time to reassess what’s gone on and what part you played in it.

Mindful journalling is one great way to do this, but meditation too can be helpful in unraveling the complex tapestry of emotions that accompany passive-aggressive behavior. Take the time and put in the work, so you can avoid such pitfalls in future.

Putting it all together…

Thanks to technology, we have endless access to an infinite amount of information and endless access to an infinite number of connections. Trapped within all of these factors is a complex communication dynamic that can leave us feeling hurt, angry and confused. Maintaining our peace of mind in this increasingly digital world depends a lot on being able to spot the signs of passive aggressive behavior online — but that takes some courage and it takes a lot of understanding.

Indirect displays of hostility or anger online are common. Recognize the patterns, refuse to engage and rein in their denial even as you affirm the emotions that both of you share. Beating the passive-aggressive beast online isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Take control of your digital experience and stop the P.A.’s in their tracks before they can undermine your happiness. You deserve peace online as much as anyone else. Start setting your boundaries and make that choice today. Your tranquility and mental wellbeing will thank you.