YOGA AND MINDFULNESS
How Stretching Made Me Aware I Wasn’t Claiming My Space
You are not doing anyone any favors by keeping yourself small.
“The human spirit is like an elastic band. The more you stretch, the greater your capacity.”
— Bidemi Mark-Mordi
Self-improvement has been an ongoing process for me for quite a while now. I have personally started on this path ten years ago and I am still in awe of the numerous insights I get as I follow my journey.
After finishing my BA in Psychology at the University of Bucharest, Romania, in 2013, I ventured on a journey that would slowly unfold. My soul was aching to travel and explore new cultures and see new places, and even though it wasn’t really my original plan, I ended up in China as an ESL teacher.
It was the year 2014, I was 22 years old, and I was working at a dead-end job at a call center in Romania. I was extremely dissatisfied with my life at that point. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything meaningful. Even worse, I was trying to convince people to buy a product I didn’t believe in myself. I needed the money though, so the only thing giving me a bit of satisfaction was daydreaming about travel and adventure. The more I started thinking about it, the more the Universe presented me with synchronicities.
One of them was an actual phone call I had with a customer. He suddenly interrupted my usual dry selling pitch and said candidly: ‘You seem like a smart girl, haven’t you thought about doing something more with your life, something more fulfilling for you?’.
I would have normally gotten angry and defensive, having had my fair share of rude customers experiences, but we started talking and I realized he didn’t mean any harm. He was a genuinely nice person confirming what I already felt in my heart. A few days after, I was at home searching for other jobs and I came across a Tony Robbins quote that resonated with me so deeply at the time, I can still see it every time I close my eyes. It goes like this:
“So if you’re 22 years old and reading this today, I know that you’re not satisfied with what you’ve accomplished already. You want to do more, be more, give more. You are in the prime of your youth, don’t wait for a time down the road, a birthday with a zero on it, to look back and realize that you’ve got to do something with yourself.”
I then started voicing my wish out loud to my colleagues at work and the most amazing thing happened. A co-worker asked me whether I have ever considered going to China since one of her friends had been there and enjoyed it. ‘Honestly? No, I haven’t. I was thinking somewhere closer, perhaps Europe’, I replied to her.
But I guess life had other plans for me. It had never crossed my mind to go to another continent, so far away from everything I knew and immerse myself in such a different and unique culture. But there I was, three months later. Standing in the arrival hall of Beijing Capital International Airport with my two suitcases and a rucksack, an overwhelmed mind, and a heart full of hope and excitement looking for the person who was supposed to pick me up and help me get settled in.
Cut to three years later in China, after some time of getting acquainted with the Chinese culture and way of living, when some of my students suggested I should try yoga. I was resistant to this concept since it wasn’t quite popular back then, and I dismissed it as not being what I needed at that time.
Also, I didn’t want to admit it, but I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of being the stiffest in a class half full of women older than me. It wasn’t until I started developing some health issues that I realized I might give it a try after all. Plus, by that time I had gotten to know myself well enough to realize my resistance was the effect of change threatening my body’s homeostasis.
I had previously done ballet in my childhood, so I thought it wasn’t going to be that bad after all. Well, my first class certainly didn’t go as expected. To be honest, I don’t know what was more painful: the actual muscles being stretched after such a long time of inactivity or the acknowledgment of me being extremely inflexible. After a few days of battling my inner critique telling me I should quit, I got determined to regain my flexibility. Slowly but surely I adopted a beginner’s mindset and started doing yoga and stretching every other day.
Stretching. Expansion. Liberation from all that tension that has been stored in my body for so many years.
My muscle memory for certain poses started to kick in and I could see the physical benefits a few weeks after. My stamina and flexibility increased, and my breathing became more regular. There were mental benefits as well. My stress levels decreased, and I learned not to take life so seriously and relax more.
The yoga instructor was always saying to allow ourselves to take more space on the mat. The notion of space was a bit unclear to me at that time. How could I take more space? What did that even mean? The feeling of my muscles elongating and expanding on the mat was amazingly good, so I didn’t give it too much thought. It wasn’t until one session during my psychotherapy class, that I had the insight. I realized I tended to make myself small in my interactions with other people from whom I was subconsciously seeking approval.
And by small, it wasn’t just me not expressing my wants and needs, but the impact it had on my posture as well. My muscles were tense, I wouldn’t sit as straight, and my shoulders would drop. Then our group therapist asked what I felt like doing after those kinds of interactions. Without giving it a second thought, I replied: stretching. Then it hit me: after releasing all that tension in my muscles, I would instantly feel more comfortable in my own body which leads to a better posture as well. I was showing up as a better version of myself, more confident and more assertive.
I had to go through a lot of emotionally painful experiences, when realized I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by keeping myself small. I was denying myself the right to live at my fullest potential. I was subconsciously looking for approval from people who resembled certain authoritative figures from my early life. That is why I have always felt my space in this world was quite limited.
It made me feel that perhaps I didn’t deserve certain things. Because going after those things would mean I had to let myself be seen and heard by others who might have disapproved of me. I also realized that I was looking outside of me for someone to give me the right to have a space when in fact, we all have the right to claim it. It’s everyone’s birthright.
It’s your birthright!
Final thoughts
I am grateful I ended up finishing my post-grad studies to become an integrative psychotherapist. That’s because I had the chance to work and heal important aspects of my mental and physical health I wasn’t even aware of until then. But unfortunately, those aspects were aware of me, deeply unconsciously internalized, sabotaging me, and keeping me small.
As they say, old habits are difficult to break and although we might slip from time to time into old behavioral patterns, it is important not to be too hard on ourselves and to do the best we can.
The first step in breaking the pattern is becoming aware there is one.
Next, showing kindness to oneself and realize we are a work in progress.
Then, as we work through the mental blocks, it’s important not to neglect our bodies.
If you don’t want to commit to a full yoga practice, that’s OK. Even a few minutes of stretching a day can work wonders.
Allow yourself to create space in your body and that will soon start to reflect in your relationships as well.
“The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset.”
— Carol S. Dweck
I wanted to share my story with you with the hope it might resonate.
And please, don’t forget:
You are not doing anyone any favors by keeping yourself small!
Have you had similar experiences whilst stretching or doing yoga?
I would love to hear about it!
Thank you for reading!
