How Selflessness Can Be A Double-Edged Sword For You

Your resourcefulness might come with its drawbacks.

Wednesday Prompt: What kind of people do you attract?

Ah, this is the cold hard truth of life.

I would know. I live by it.

I get rejected for it and sometimes even left for dead as well. It is one of the many things I struggle with often in my life.

And in time, I have learned to just wing it!

Throughout my lifetime, my peers and people I have met agreed on many things when it came to describing me. One such fact that stands out is that I am exceptionally selfless when it comes to love for other people.

I think about others more than myself. I describe them with all of my zest. I help others before I could help myself. I pray for them first before myself. I want the best for others from my side.

There is much truth to that. Its one of the many things I have earned genetically. Its in my blood, or so my relatives joke about it.

I really do not mind helping others. Even if it comes at the cost of giving parts of myself to heal them. Or giving them the shoulder when they need it.

But over the years, I have attracted exceptionally needy (worst kinds) people.

Or somehow fate dragged me to their door because no one else wanted to help them.

But honestly, the universe acknowledges my spirit and throws more people at me to help. And it has sent these tests, these people who were exceptionally needy who only wanted me to give them my all.

And never wanted to give some back in return. Common courtesy?

I have found some people who have used me for their own superficial needs. And when they were complete. They left. And suddenly, when I needed them to hold my back.

Sadly, they were absent.

Too busy wasting themselves again and coming back to me for repairs. I mean, I do not do it for charity. All things altruism you need to spare for yourself if you want to be altruistic at heart.

At least some that you need to survive, and therein lies the dilemma when you do avoid. By that, I mean when you say, “No!”

Do you want to know what their reaction was?

Annoyed and filled with anger and spite. Perhaps pointing at me like how I did not satisfy such needs.

But can I be blunt and honest with you all!

Not many of these people ever try to solve their own issues by their own selves. When they do fail, and it is on the first try.

They start to whimper, tear and cry. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

But they escape their own hardship to ask for assistance from this old-timer. And honestly, when they come with such attitudes in mind.

I avoid it as much as I can. Because over the years, I have accumulated more anguish than I asked for.

Sure I show them how to solve their problems or push them in the right direction. But usually, I do not do more than my fair share for the people I have tested time and time again.

Why?

Well, they will never learn if I spoon-feed or enable them all the time.

How do you think I tried to find a solution to their problems? I tried!

Well, I have faced my life with the utmost zest and pride.

Like I had a choice! 😉

I love solving problems by facing them in my life. I mean, what was I supposed to do besides trying? But I also know the cost that I have paid countless times.

And with that cost came a lot of grief and despair that these people run away from.

Asking me to please share.

It is not really a share but the whole Moby Dick meanwhile they put all the stress on dear old me here. And in these times, I say what could have once said.

No, I can not. You can try doing it yourself, please. Hear!

I know this might seem harsh. It has to be put in into context.

Otherwise, wisdom can never reach its way to them. Oh, how they might fret it!

Wisdom is achieved from failing countless times until you learn to push yourself the right way.

And this will never come by enabling their toxic needs of fulfillment.

You have to let them go.

They need to wander, stumble and fall. So that they learn to question their ways.

You can guide them and save them the painful lesson. Or you could show them what to avoid while they are on hopefully trying.

But if indeed they reply with “I could have done all that by myself.”

Well, now you know why you should have said “No” in the first place.

Because the power of no can change a life when done the right way.

I volunteer as a peer mentor, and I have worked with thousands of students over the years. I have built, supported, and taught them to fulfill their organizational, social, academic, and personal life goals.

This harsh feedback is what I receive if I help someone who does not want to help themselves first.

What they really need is someone to do it for them. Of course, there have been times where I have done entire projects. And invested a lot of my time, money, and resource into them.

But it depends on the person that comes for help and the severity of the work involved. Like just yesterday, I assisted a fellow of mine in completing their final year engineering project.

Now, this boy is an exceptional engineer. There is no doubt about it. He can tinker with the most spectacular of projects. He is practical and perhaps a prodigy in electronics.

But he has his flaws. One such issue is maintaining the correct set of documentation for his projects. From an academic perspective, it means a lot. And they cause a lot of problems for students in this retrospective.

He needs someone to shadow him while he writes his work. He needs constant feedback in such areas. And most of the time, it is just a complete rewrite of the original document.

Phew, only God knows how many hours I have spent rewriting software documentation for my peers. 😆

P.S It’s over 9000!!! 😉

For engineers, final year projects can make or break their degree. And when it comes to a 4-year degree, it is a big deal. Their life and livelihood depends on it.

In such scenarios, I can lend all my resources to their disposal.

Because I know the stakes involved.

And how they can make or break their life. I have a peer network through which whenever some student has a problem. Whether it is regarding research projects, education, life or career-related stuff.

They reach me out through it.

When it comes from a person I know, I know that it is serious.

So I do what I can to help them relieve their troubles. I take it as my responsibility to help them solve whatever is blocking their progress.

But over the years, I have come across a few bad eggs in the basket. Although shit happens, sometimes. And it will find its way to you somehow.

Unfortunately, people find it easier to blame others but themselves. I know self-criticism can be harsh. But positively using it can become your biggest asset.

If you try(have the analytical aptitude) to learn from your mistakes.

You do not need anyone else to solve “your problems.”

Of course, it does not work in all instances.

We need to reach out to others when we really need help. But the point is to use their time and our time wisely.

If they take responsibility where needed to allow growth through humility and common courtesy.

I believe they will be just all right. And so will you as well as long as you keep on trying without regret. 😉

The Takeaway

Long story short, Selflessness will attract all kinds of people. But most of the time, you will attract needy people if you are a resourceful person.

But you need to understand the difference between helping someone and enabling them. Because enablers will use you and take whatever you give for granted.

Beware, they will leave you for dead. 😅

They will ghost you for some shmuck who literally rants about them behind their back. But they will never truly respect or value your efforts.

How you invested all your time in mending them!

And I know this can be tough. But do not let these experiences stop you. Learn from them and avoid certain people(experiences) that are just not worth your time.

I live with all my decisions. I stand by them when I help someone. But I do not involve myself with people who do not mean what they say to me.

That is a warning sign.

Thus, You should be straightforward to them with respect in all matters of the heart, mind, and soul. Always be careful of the pitfalls of your choices. Because either can be an adventure if you are willing to take the risk.

In short, do not avoid all the risks altogether. Otherwise, how are you supposed to live life to the fullest?

Keep seeking these opportunities to add value to your life. They serve as great stories to tell and have many lessons in store for everyone in your life.

Let people come and go. And be the best you can ever be.

Godspeed and God Bless You!

Stay Safe!

Peace.