Parenting

How Self-Discovery Leads to a More Conscious Parenting Style

Here is how I ride the rollercoaster of my parenthood with compassion, self-acceptance, and continuous self-discovery.

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Self Discovery of a Working Mother with 3 Young Children

“The night is dark, and the whispers of the house tell stories from before your time, little one. As I cradled my newborn in weary arms, I found myself enveloped in a whirlwind of emotions: joy, exhaustion, and an overwhelming feeling of responsibility. As I gazed into the innocent eyes of my child, I realized that the journey of parenthood was unlike anything I had ever imagined.”

This is an excerpt from my journal that I started writing in 2015 to better understand myself. My eldest son was born in 2015. He turned my world upside down with love, determination, and a sense of exploration that led me to finally rediscover myself through our unique relationship.

Two years later, my middle child and now my third child have all given me gifts of self-awareness and love I could never quantify in anything but deep gratitude and self-forgiveness for me to become the parent they deserve to have: sane, centered, loving, and patient, with personal goals and motivated to live also for herself.

Like many new parents, my husband and I joined this path with hope, excitement, and a determination to be the best version of ourselves for our children.

Suddenly, we found ourselves surrounded by (mostly) unsolicited advice and expectations. We would soon discover that the road to conscious parenting was full of surprises in its complexity.

The Complexity of Conscious Parenting

From the moment we hold our precious babies in our arms, we are thrust into a world of uncertainties and contradictions. We are bombarded with conflicting messages about the “right” way to nurture and guide our children, leaving us feeling bewildered and overwhelmed.

The best-selling author Dr. Shefali Tsabary on Oprah’s Super Soul Show described exactly how I felt as a parent. She said

“Our love for our kids can take our breath away — both in its limitless expansiveness and in its heartbreaking anxiety. It is the perfect cocktail of the most piercing adoration and the most excruciating fear.

This is what our kids do to our souls: they expand them as never before but also twist them to a pulp and throw a dagger at them. Then they walk away without even noticing.”

The Questions That Started My Quest For Better Parenting

Initially, I grappled with questions that gnawed at and shriveled my soul.

• How could I raise my child with love and compassion in a world that values obedience over understanding?
• How could I break free from the cycle of outdated parenting practices that had been passed down through generations?

This is where I would like to share my journey that led me to challenge and confront my deepest fears while embracing the power of conscious parenting.

The Challenges of Conscious Parenting

The path of conscious parenting is quite complicated at the beginning. Why do you think that is? I say, keep going at it. It will be hard but worth it. Trust me! We are a bunch of parents with the same goal: to be better parents for our kids.

But what is conscious parenting anyway?

Conscious parenting is self-aware parenting, where parents learn to prioritize mastering their own emotions before guiding their children.

This approach, developed by Clinical Psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary, views our children as our greatest teachers, from whom we can learn more about ourselves.

Furthermore, as parents, we carry our own childhood experiences, which shape our understanding of our children’s needs and influence our parenting decisions.

By practicing conscious parenting, we bring awareness to our upbringing, reflecting on how we were treated and questioning our choices.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary informs us that conscious parenting is not just about raising children. It is about raising humanity. When we understand its profound and powerful principles, we heal not only our own past wounds but those of others around us. Such is the tremendous restorative potential of this work: it has the capacity to transform trauma into health.”

You are you, and you probably do the following as a parent with good intentions:

• You consciously choose to do things differently than generations before you.
• You choose to raise your children differently than you were raised.
• You choose differently than the majority when it comes to parenting.

Discovering Conscious Parenting Through My Personal Experience

In my journey so far, I have discovered many things about conscious parenting through learning by doing and mostly through trial and error:

I didn’t know how to do it. No one taught me. We are not taught how to become better parents. Wouldn’t it be super useful to learn about all the parenting challenges before becoming a parent?

Also, results are seen over time, and we live in a rushed and uncertain world. It takes a lot of emotional resources and self-work to change the paradigm. I went through years of therapy due to postpartum depression.

I got deep into my inner self to uncover and discover parts of me I didn’t know before or were blocked.

How do you choose to change the paradigm?

I often heard that I was not doing well, even if not directly. Online communities and relatives are loud about how a new mother, especially, should manage her baby and household. I asked myself:

Have you also experienced this online?

I was in the minority, and I felt like I was in a box unless you count the post office and the occasional visits to the grocery store. I was among the first of my friends who had kids, so they were more focused on careers while I was at home mothering and learning things from scratch.

We met a bit at first, but then time flew by, and I was too deep into the amazingly fluffy world of caring for little people.

Have you also become more isolated throughout early parenthood?

After three babies and a lot of inner dealing with my self-imposed and societal expectation-driven failures in the home department, I was so low on self-esteem and inner strength that I realized it was hard to keep going this way. So, I started therapy for postpartum depression and other stuff.

Overcoming Challenges by Embracing Self-Care and Self-Discovery

Conscious parenting is hard only at the beginning until you find your way. Yes! Please find a way to move out of your head and into the practical things you need most.

We all must understand that self-care must be taught much earlier. I learned it the hard way. So, please fill your cup with appreciation and acceptance of yourself and love for the inner child and mother you have become. Only then can you pour it out on others gently and lovingly.

Surely, you make efforts for a while—a year, two, maybe three—until you discover your firm yet gentle voice, which children respect.

You will reach that point when you can treat the advice of others with detachment. I know it sounds easier said than done. I’ve been there and am still learning every day. You will slowly see the results of your work, first only now and then, then daily.

Finding Balance by Nurturing Relationships and Embracing Growth

Moving forward, I can attest that self-care will show you the way more often than not. If you nourish your body and heart, you will have enough patience to stay in balance with your children without anger, shouts, or punishments.

You need to find out what the source of all your anguish and low points is and repair it from the root. Books, friends, therapy, movement, various spiritual workshops, energetical sessions—whatever helps, keep trying.

Nurture your relationships by making an effort to get out of the box of parenthood. It tends to suck us in because of all the routines and expectations, chores, and sometimes workaholism.

🙏Come back to yourself and breathe!

🙏Be here in the present for yourself and your kids!

More often than not, we need to make an effort to socialize with other parents and people outside our family who share our values and could bring us new ideas and motivations along the way. It helps!

The first steps are always very hard. And it is okay; we learn to adapt to new challenges.

Know that you are among the few but are not alone in struggling. When you go against the current, there is resistance. You doubt yourself constantly because you don’t have enough support. Meanwhile, your relatives or friends might disagree with your parenting decisions.

But as soon as you manage to center yourself, it’s much, much easier, like riding a bike. The effort is much smaller, the ease greater, and the results are good. We are not perfect because we are humans, not pieces of molded playdough.

The Rewards of Conscious Parenting

To wrap this up for you, I believe that any parent who cares makes a great effort, even if they still have doubts from time to time.

I learn every day. I adapt and readjust, but I try to do it naturally.

After all, the ultimate joy is seeing my children grow up, being good to others, respecting the rules, thinking critically, and being confident in themselves and our relationship.

And finally, if my kids see the real me working for balance while being gentle with myself in the process, they will learn that self-care and love come from within.

Takeaways

• Aim to rediscover yourself through continuous learning.
• Try to understand your upbringing, question societal norms, and continuously strive to become a better version of yourself.
• Nurture your well-being to become more patient with your children.
• To avoid feeling isolated and overwhelmed, prioritize socializing to gain new perspectives and encouragement.
• Please remember that no parent is perfect, and we can only grow with time, patience, and self-compassion.

📋What is your experience with conscious parenting?

📋Would you be interested in learning more about it?

Please write your thoughts and experiences in the comments section if you resonate with any of the ideas I shared in this story.

In a previous article, I have included some conscious parenting resources for you to explore. I will keep updating it and wait for your messages if you need other resources or extra support in your parenting journey.

Thank you for reading my story. Happy parenting!

Gabriela is passionate about tech and knowledge management. She is studying while being a mother of three small kids. This requires her to pay for some graduate programs and MOOCs to gain experience. She is writing stories on Medium and Substack to inspire others and fund her journey. If you enjoy Gabriela’s articles, Buy her a tea or a Ko-Fi to support her work.