How Seeking Rejection Builds Our Resilience
I hate saying no to people. Doesn’t stop me saying it, but I don’t like it.
I’m not keen on people saying no to me, either. Rejection doesn’t feel good. Why?
Rejection plays into our fears. We’re afraid that it confirms our worst beliefs about ourselves. Perhaps we suspect we’re unlovable, not good enough, or we offer little value to the world.
Another fear is our hard-wired aversion to unpleasant experiences. Discomfort prompts behaviours that don’t serve us. We overreact and later feel shame, or on the flip side we withdraw from people rather than give them the chance to reject us.
One of the best pieces of advice I received when I started out as a carerpreneur last year came from Sathya Bala. Over a Zoom cuppa, amongst a ton of other golden nuggets, she suggested that I aim to talk to at least two new people each week. Not a sales pitch, just an exchange of ideas to build a real network of people I’ve actually met, rather than a few thousand anonymous followers on LinkedIn.
Have I done that? Have I heck! Reach out to people who might say no? Nuh uh. Here’s how it goes on LinkedIn in my head:
Me: Hey! Great to be connected! Fancy an intro chat over a cuppa on Zoom?
New connection: Hell no! If I’d known you were going to ask to meet up I’d never have accepted your connection request. No. No. NO!
But yesterday, I girded my loins. Reader, I invited rejection.
I sent this message to 30 new connections:
“Hi (name), thanks for connecting! I’m making a conscious effort to get to know my new connections, and wondered if you fancy a Zoom cuppa and a chat to exchange ideas in the next few weeks? 🙂 No hard feelings if not, I know how busy diaries get!”
Eleven people responded with an enthusiastic yes. Three people sent a polite no.
And reader, I’m still alive.
I had a 20% rejection rate, and the world is still turning.
It’s hard to describe the glee I felt when I saw the third polite ‘no’ and realised that I’d grown that day. Of course, next will come the self-recrimination about not doing this months ago, but for the moment I shall bask in the pride of having found the courage to seek rejection.
Every ‘no’ builds resilience. And if that 20% rejection rate applied to sales conversations, imagine what an empire I could build! Excuse me whilst I browse 10-bedroom, 10-acre real estate in New York…
Facing my fear of rejection, and actively inviting it, has done something to my brain. I can only describe it as liberating. Never again will I be worried about how someone might react to my polite approach. After all, what’s the worst that can happen?