How Releasing the Remnants of the Past Will Free You From Captivity
Open the door and leave the haunted house behind
I remember the weight of the straps pressing into my shoulders. Everything I owned was in the backpack, and I realized it wouldn’t upset me to lose that too.
This was before I found my place, met my wife, and became a father. It was before my life really began.
Physical things tie you to your past. That’s not always to your benefit. Sometimes, you need to clear off the table and start again. Don’t be afraid to push all the clutter aside. Sweep it away. Hear it crash to the ground, bag it up, and burn it.
You don’t have to revere your memories. You don’t have to revere institutions. You don’t have to revere the heroes of corrupt ideologies. You can think about all those people and things however you want.
That’s what “freedom” means.
“I’d sell everything, I’d leave, I’d never look back”
A few years ago, I thought I was having a heart attack. I was out skiing and something felt wrong. I couldn’t breathe.
I called the nurse hotline. “It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.”
Her response was sharp and immediate. “Go to the emergency room. Now!”
I paused to call my wife and then I checked myself in. At the time, my wife’s job was over an hour away. As I reclined on the bed, I watched the app track her progress as she came to me. She was driving too fast, but I couldn’t call or text to tell her to slow down. That would only distract her.
Later, she confided her thoughts to a friend. They came tumbling out of her in a jumble of emotions.
“If he dies, I’ll sell the house, I’ll sell everything, I’ll sell the cars. I’m taking the kids and we’re going back to Peru. It will be as if we never lived in the United States. We’ll start again. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days shuffling miserably through an empty house tormented by a ghost.”
Her friend looked at her in surprise and said, “Wow, you’ve thought this through.”
“Yes, I have,” my wife replied.
Have an exit plan
My wife’s story brought me peace. I appreciate that she has a plan for self-care. I think her proposal is exactly the right thing to do.
What do I want? Do I want her to keep a closet full of the clothing of a man who will never return? Do I want her to preserve the disarray on my desk? Is there any reason to tighten our grip on all the meaningless relics that already clutter up our reality?
And those are the relics of a good relationship.
What is to be gained by anchoring yourself to that junk? You can’t change the past. You can’t bring the past back into the present.
No, you should let it all go. You should be free.
Go have fun! Go see new things! Go feel the rush of excitement that comes at the pinnacle of an adventure!
I like to think that if I’m ever gone, those are the moments in which she’ll feel closest to me. My spirit will walk beside her out on the trail.
True stories are easier to remember
It’s enough to carry on and remember people as they were. You don’t even have to remember them fondly, just remember them accurately.
Know them, otherwise, what’s the point? Are you keeping relics to preserve a lie?
If those I leave behind remember the truth about me, I will be content.
It’s a mistake to require anyone to maintain an idealized narrative. The lies you believe about others blind you to the reality of yourself. You must acknowledge the faults or no story you hear will ever make sense.
I tell stories for a living. The story has to make sense.
Every second is an opportunity to practice mindfulness
Except for death, there’s never a single act that ends a relationship. Instead, it’s a cumulative effect.
Perhaps you’re involved with somebody who doesn’t hold the door for you. Again and again and again, the heavy wood slams back as they heedlessly walk on through. They’re indifferent. It’s as if you’re not even there. You’re nothing but a memory, a spirit, an idealized representation that bears no resemblance to the reality of you.
“You’re breaking up with me because I forgot to hold the door one time?”
“No, the door just made me recognize something that I can no longer ignore.”
Cell phones have made this worse, but there has always been a temptation to disregard the people who surround us. Rather than practice mindfulness, we tend a tangled web of ridiculous justifications.
“I can’t think of your every little need because I’m too busy working and providing for you. Don’t you recognize that my labor is the only labor that matters in this household? Why are you so selfish and fixated on yourself? That’s all I ever hear from you. All you do is complain. Why can’t you ever be grateful for the good times?”
Slip into your backpack and slide on out the door. You’ll be pleasantly surprised to discover the backpack weighs much less than the guilt.
We try so hard to make failed systems work
Before the break happens, you’ll twist yourself into knots in an attempt to see the logic of the rebuttal. In your effort to preserve the past, you’ll numb yourself to lies even though they ring false in your heart. Submitting to this pattern is how you build the prison of your own perception.
They give you the raw material, but you’re the one who builds it. The structures that inhibit your freedom of thought are yours to tear down as you wish. You can dismantle them. Most people don’t.
Even when the tormentor leaves, the mind still occupies the cell. It’s habit. We think it’s our life. We don’t recognize that it’s just one potential life.
Destroy all relics and remnants of the past. Free yourself of the markers that direct you back into an endless loop. Release yourself to the current of time.
Getting to know your cage
People will regard you with a sweet look of envy when they catch you doing something they’ve never dared to do.
I caught that look from one of my professors when he came down to visit me in Peru. He was a rule follower and now he was close to retirement age. Every day, at least twenty times, I went marching off boldly in the direction of my dreams.
I might as well have been walking through walls to his perspective. I often caught him regarding me with an expression of gentle astonishment.
I slipped past lines while other people waited. “Never assume there’s a logical reason for the wait,” I advised. “Don’t submit to an obstacle without first checking if there’s an easy way around. You’ll be amazed at how often you find one.”
A flame flickered to life when I said this and he smiled, but he wouldn’t do it. He felt it was “safer” to behave as expected. Still, when I found a better way and he benefited, he was willing to partake of the advantage.
Baby steps.
Relax the clenched fist
There’s no need to go through life burdened by the corroded remnants of the past. Let it go. Extract the lies from your subconscious and set them gently on the ground. Time will carry them away.
You’ll feel better.
Think of it as a quest for keys. These keys will open doors you never even noticed were there. Uncovering and discarding the deceptive half-truths is the practice you follow to lighten your load. The closer you become to pure spirit, the higher you will rise.
The final deceit to overcome is the belief that you’ll miss these burdens when they’re gone.
You won’t.
I’ve yet to encounter any disadvantage that comes as a result of replacing lies with the truth. You owe it to yourself to see.
