People and Life
How Relationships Help You Understand Yourself
Why you are not always like those you are around most
Little is as essential in life as our relationships with others. These connections continually shape us into who we are and who we become.
The impact of our relationships is a topic worth exploring. Read on to learn more about this life-changing subject.
How relationships shape us
You have likely heard it said, “You become like those you are around most.” That may be true, but it is only part of the story. A better phrasing would be:
“We become who we are because of our acceptance or rejection of those around us.”
You can be around the five nicest people in the world most of the time, yet who you become is tied to who you are more than it is to them.
If you have a naturally negative disposition, you can certainly hope the positive attributes of others rub off on you. If you are critical and unaccepting, they may still be nice to you, which may influence you over time, but you are who you are, and they are who they are.
How much or little we are willing to change determines who we become. Those with a fixed, negative mindset will likely reject change and remain as they are. Those with a positive growth mindset will be more likely to accept change and change themselves.
I am not saying we cannot benefit from being around people with a better disposition than us. I am thankful for my wife, the person I am around most. Because I am the type who often leans toward the negative, her optimistic outlook and positive attitude have influenced me significantly. She has affected how I view life so much that I see and feel the change. A large part of this is because I accept and love her. Acceptance is the key to change.
“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” Nathaniel Branden (1930–2014)
The importance of acceptance and rejection
What is missing from the saying “we become like those we are around most” is the issue of acceptance or rejection that naturally resides in us. Acceptance often shows up as kindness, while rejection usually shows up as criticalness.
Some time ago, I spent considerable time with a friend who has since passed away. He was one of the most optimistic people I have ever known, yet he affected me little, if at all. At least he did not affect me in a positive way. To this day, I have no desire to become like him. I do not blame him for this. It is because of the way I saw (judged) him.
He was so overly optimistic it created chaos in his life. Although we were friends and I knew him well, I felt I could never fully trust him. By rejecting him in my mind, I failed to accept him for who he was. Yet, I still consider him to have been a friend.
As we age, we come to understand everything is not as black and white as we once thought. This is undoubtedly true about relationships. For decades, I believed we became like the few people we were around the most. Now I know better. I am who I am not because of who I am around but largely because of how I see them.
How do you see others in your life?
While others affect us, I find it encouraging we can still be true to ourselves. Why not take a look at the five or so people you spend the most time with and ask yourself two questions:
- “How do I see _______________?”
- “Am I critical or accepting of them?”
Your answer will tell you how much influence they have over you. If you accept them, they are likely influencing your life. If you are critical or reject them in any way, their influence may be short-lived at best, and they may or may not remain in your life for long unless something changes.
To get the most out of these two questions, you may wish to ask them not only for the five people you are around most but also for those with whom you are closest.
Final thoughts
While those we are around most may affect us, the onus for change is on us, tied to how we see or judge them. When we accept others, their influence is more substantial; when we reject them, we resist their influence.
I leave you with some words of wisdom I have found helpful over the years. They remind us how meaningful relationships are in our lives and our world.
“I sincerely believe that the word relationships is the key to the prospect of a decent world.
It seems abundantly clear that every problem you will have — in your family, in your work, in our nation, or in this world — is essentially a matter of relationships, of interdependence.” Clarence Francis (1888–1985)
I would love to hear your take on my observations in this short essay. Please leave a comment below. Oh, and don’t forget to ask yourself the two questions above. You may find your answers are real eye-openers!
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Bill Abbate Leadership Writer and Editor in ILLUMINATION
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