I read my online conversations with friends from 10 years ago

It helped me understand who I have become

Yesterday afternoon was one of those afternoons where things just don’t go as planned. My motivation to do what I originally had in mind had withered after a tiring morning. I was bored and frustrated since things didn’t go exactly as planned.

For reasons still unknown, I decided to do something I hadn’t done before. I opened the Messenger app, and started doing some digging. I was curious about old contacts, most of whom I’m not in touch with anymore. And most importantly, I wanted to see how I communicated with people, and who I was back then.

As I went over those remnants of my past, I felt fascinated and terrified at the same time. When I finally put my phone down, I was relieved.

Seeing my old self for the first time

Reading old message exchanges was a spontaneous move. Yet, it was a remarkably profound experience. It was as if I entered a time machine, selected the day, month and year on the panel, and there I was. Back in time.

I started scrolling down, agonizing to go to the bottom. It took a while to get there, but then, some 300 chats after the most recent one, I arrived at my destination.

Interestingly, I didn’t even remember some of those people. I tried to recall why we were texting, but I couldn’t.

I guess my terrible memory is to blame.

At that moment, I decided to focus on interactions with people that I remember, that I still have in my life, or that I wish I was in touch with.

Once again, I saw a person I couldn’t recognize. However this time, that person was me. The old me. I had completely forgotten about him, too.

That version of myself was not an exemplar of virtue, grace and compassion, as I once thought. In fact, he was the opposite of that: a greedy, needy, egoistic and careless person. He would ignore his best friends’ good intentions, focus on his pride and self-image. He would hurt his best friends through a screen, not realizing that he was actually pushing them away.

I remember him wondering why everybody left him. Witnessing his hurtful, ignorant behavior, I am now surprised his friends at that time stayed for as long as they did.

I felt ashamed of my old self. After so many years, I finally see why things happened the way they did.

An altered self-concept

The reason why this experience was so transformative is because it made me question my perception of my self-concept. Specifically, it caused me to question my self-esteem, in terms of how I perceived myself, and how others perceived me, in return.

Back then, I thought I was doing things right. I thought I was a good friend and a caring boyfriend. When everyone finally decided to move on, I simply put the blame on them.

“It’s their choice and their loss. I did my best to support and care for them. If they want out, so be it”

I now understand that the people that were the closest to me must have been fed up with my crap. They tolerated my selfishness, until they simply couldn’t take it anymore. I am surprised how big a threshold they had before they collapsed under my burden. After many efforts and numerous discussions, they just stopped trying.

I don’t blame them. I would have done the same.

My ego took the hit like a champ. At various points, I found myself swearing at that brat who thought was so entitled and special. I witnessed him sacrifice others on the altar of his own pride.

The world doesn’t owe you anything, kid. I wish I could tell him that.

But then it’s probably for the better that things happened the way they did.

Lessons from our old naive selves

This experience was shocking. It forced me to look the truth in the eye and realize how I was able to repel every person that once meant so much to me. It’s not a realization that can be taken lightly.

But it also showed me something even more important. It demonstrated how much I have changed and matured since then. And, even though I’d rather have it happen sooner, it’s better late than never.

This whole journey in time was a good reminder that we are not static and unchanging. We go through life attempting to get the best out of it, and to learn our lessons along this process. Sometimes, we might even improve upon our past mistakes and grow stronger while doing so.

I saw this quote from Tryon Edwards that resonates with me deeply. It reads:

Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past

So maybe I’m already half way there with my right actions, because I am now aware of the actions that hurt people in the past. I can see my shortcomings and imperfections, and I will try to minimize them as much as possible. And perhaps it’s not too late to apologize for being a jerk back then.

If you’ve never done this before, have a look at your communications with others over the years. See how they talked to you, how you responded then compared to how you would respond now. Being critical of our past actions pays off, and can remind us how much we can change, and how far we’ve come.