How Processing a Lifetime of Narcissist Abuse Led to Greater Self Intimacy

One year of inner work in solitude bought my freedom.

It’s been one year since my Jungian therapist helped me identify narcissism in my birth family. I took a work sabbatical and began retreating into my space, literally and emotionally. As weak relationships broke down, the sense of isolation intensified.

I believe this immense recovery challenge leads me to a higher life purpose. Though it’s been a Goddamn long year, inch by inch, I’m gaining a new life.

Somewhere deep down, I always knew something was wrong, but I never imagined how dysfunctional my childhood really was. Like car crashes that happen to other people, I never expected devious gaslighting from the people I looked up to.

They told me they loved me but repeatedly bullied me, dismissed my needs, neglected my emotions, and made me feel unlovable. I assumed it was my fault; I just needed to try harder.

During my open-ended sabbatical, I’ve poured into shadow work, depth therapy, somatic processing, support groups, abuse research, and extensive reflection. As a friend said, “Most people say they’re going to do soul-searching on sabbaticals, but you actually did.”

Discovering narcissistic abuse initiated more profound, painful inner work than I’d ever imagined; it’s been the most illuminating insight of my life. Removing rubble from the past, I’m starting to feel like myself again… or maybe for the first time.

Spending most nights alone

As I learned more about narcissistic abuse, I saw most of my relationships in a new light. I started to believe my craving for emotional intimacy was valid, and my needs mattered. I felt surprised by how much work I’d been putting into relationships I wasn't even enjoying.

When I wasn’t doing inner work, I got outside to explore and reconnected with creative projects, like writing and music-making. Some days I felt so drained from depression that I laid in bed for hours.

Maybe most importantly, I began exploring wells of anger. Who knew a nice person like me carried so much rage? Through the anger, I began mourning the loss of family members who would never be what I needed them to be.

With ongoing self-reflection, I started seeing my unhelpful thought and behavior patterns more clearly. I found coping mechanisms like people-pleasing, care-taking, and playing small that I needed to adjust.

Throughout my time alone, I struggled a lot with feeling embarrassed. As my therapist described, “A lack of support is what keeps so many people from individuating. It’s one of the biggest challenges.”

Not having people to celebrate holidays with felt a lot like failing at life.

As my recovery coach said, “You’re clearing out and redesigning your inner group. That’s a long process. Plus, having friends doesn’t make you successful. When you’re choosing between time alone and emotional abuse, time alone is the right choice.”

Then I realized, not marrying the wrong person or staying in unhelpful relationships is something to celebrate. And I held my head a bit higher.

Spoiling my inner child

Like most people, I had stopped listening to my inner child for years, overworking myself and people-pleasing instead. Early on, I learned my emotions were too dramatic. My upbringing trained me to prioritize efficiency and hard work, which didn’t leave much room for playtime.

“With narcissistic parents… children internalize the following messages: vulnerability is unsafe, free self-expression must be repressed, attention may lead to humiliation, and performance is tied to fundamental self-worth,” writes Julie L. Hall, a narcissist recovery coach.

Thankfully, early in my sabbatical, I stumbled onto “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron and began reconnecting to my child-like creative self. I started pampering myself more. And, as I learned to work past my inner critic, I explored what I enjoy and don’t enjoy with an open mind.

I planned hiking trips for myself, took a feminine psychology course, worked through a pole dance series, and experimented with lifestyle design ideas. I got curious about my desires and indulged more often (think frozen yogurt with all the toppings, specialty incense, and a new vibrator).

Now, I’m making space for pleasure and rest, as a right, not a reward. Being selfish is the best thing I could do for my well-being and relationships.

Letting myself “off the hook”

I’ve spent most of my life trying to reach moving goalposts in a narcissistic family. I needed to prove I was intelligent, pretty, capable, and interesting enough to merit attention and affection.

“To strive for perfection is to kill love because perfection does not recognize humanity. It takes great courage to break with one’s past history and stand alone,” writes Marion Woodman in “Addiction to Perfection.”

Watching my judging thoughts, I saw tons of contradictory expectations: You’re being lazy. Now, you’re working too hard. You’re too focused on exercise. Now, you’re not active enough. I had to learn how to “let go” a bit.

I’ve been actively shaking off others’ expectations and judgments to explore what feels right to me, separating behaviors or attributes from “good” and “bad” labels.

For each behavior, I wonder, “how much is too much?” Answering that question and questioning each judgment helps me combat decades of gaslighting.

My body is starting to believe: I no longer need to please others.

Studying narcissistic abuse research

The truth is, despite having my physical needs met in childhood, I experienced emotional neglect. When I received occasional affection, I grew determined to “win,” pushing myself to earn approval and find some connection.

“This inconsistent affection, depending on the parents’ mood, creates an ‘intermittent reward system.’ It keeps children on edge, undermining their self-worth,” writes Lindsay C. Gibson, in “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”

Without healthy empathy, my parents couldn’t give me emotional intimacy. The ongoing disconnection leads to a chronic sense of loneliness. It’s been a challenge to accept the validity of my need to feel seen. Emotional neglect damages our self-confidence and esteem.

“Narcissists show brain abnormalities around empathy and compassion. They made your strengths look like weaknesses. They are the unstable ones,” wrote Shahida Arabi in “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare.”

Unraveling the truth of my childhood has been painful and freeing. I chose the brave path of awareness. Contrary to early conditioning, I don’t have to suppress my authentic emotions anymore.

Through research, support groups, and practice, I’m learning to set firm boundaries while prioritizing my needs and desires in relationships.

By seeing our early conditioning more clearly, we can avoid repeating unhelpful patterns… and create a more fulfilling life.

Embracing professional support

I can’t imagine doing this inner work without my therapist and recovery coach. They have been immensely validating and supportive. They encourage me to listen to my body, trust my intuition, own my anger, and be more selfish. I’m learning that vulnerability can feel safe.

During sessions, we often use somatic processing to release difficult emotions. I’m still shocked by how much pain my body holds from decades ago.

One thing I wish more people knew: trauma isn’t just for the people who grew up with alcoholic parents, endured sexual abuse, or fought in a war. Most people (if not all) have unprocessed trauma in their bodies that causes over-reactions and prevents us from feeling whole.

The more I process painful experiences and judgmental self-beliefs, the more alive, curious, and healthy I feel. I take more risks and experience joy more fully.

As I continue to take the high road with depth therapy, I know for sure that inner work makes life much more interesting… and worth living.

Though I’m “wrapping it up” nicely in this article, the past year has been chaotic. I don’t always feel hopeful and still struggle with anxiety. But the breakthroughs and newfound freedom make the pain worth it.

I’m far from alone in my struggles, and I know beauty shines through the cracks of our imperfections.

What if everyone took a year of solitude to be with their shadows? What if we collectively valued inner work as much as our outer work? I think the world would be a kinder, more accepting, and authentic place.

Here are some new beliefs that guide my life these days:

• Trying to be perfect sucks.
• Having a picture-perfect life does not lead to emotional intimacy.
• Emotional security is a basic need, not “nice to have.”
• Prioritizing my needs and desires is very healthy.
• Sacrificing authenticity for a relationship is never worth it.

As I strengthen my spirituality, I know God has big plans for me. I’ll keep pursuing creative projects like writing, dancing, making music, and adventuring. The next few decades of my life will be much brighter, more fulfilling, and exciting because of the work I’m doing now.

Now I know I am inherently valuable and never needed to earn love.

I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Join the Weekly Love News on my website to receive creative offerings each week (Tuesdays) in your email inbox.