How Preparing To Die Has Helped Me In Life

And how my legacy has helped me to be a better person today

The great thing about writing is that your words can last for an eternity. When I was diagnosed with a very serious condition a few years ago, this became very important to me.

My situation at the time was particularly frightening as I had young children. It made me contemplate what would happen if I was gone. I couldn’t cope with the thought of them not having me to turn to for advice when they felt that they needed it. So, being the practical person I am, I set about creating a back-up plan.

I started to write my children a website, plus a handwritten copy of the posts (because every back up plan needs its own back up, after all). I started to document all of the thoughts and advice that I did not want to be lost should I meet an untimely end. It sounds morbid but it is one of the most empowering things I have done.

On their blog, I wrote down the words I would say to them about key issues that they might experience in their lives. I covered a range of topics from telling them that I couldn’t care less if they turned out to be gay, through to practical considerations such as things to think about if they were ever considering a tattoo. Then, there were the more advisory posts such as the one on how liberating forgiveness can be.

I tried never to tell them how to think. I’m not so arrogant as to think that I have all the answers. Instead, I encouraged them to have a reason for their opinions and to make sure that they respected the views of others, even if they didn’t agree with them.

My illness gave me a focus but I soon realised that they might want advice when I am still alive. Not every child feels that they can talk to their parents openly, especially through the teenage years. We realised that however much we encourage our children to speak up and to trust us, that sometimes they might not want to. I realised that the website might be helpful for them if they wanted some quick advice but not want to talk. It became as much a living blog as a legacy website.

One unexpected benefit was that it helped me to define myself, in my own mind. It gave me clarity about who I was and what I valued. It made me think about deep questions and ponder situations that I might not have otherwise considered. It became a therapeutic tool and very life affirming.

One post that I wrote for them asked them to think about what mattered to them in life. In this article, I set out my own rules for life, making it very clear that these were just for me and that they should create their own.

I did not realise the power of this list. It has helped me many times since, to keep focused on the things that matter and to help me with decision making.

Here are my rules (in no particular order):

To embrace my mortality and to invest my time in legacy.

To exceed expectations.

To ensure that my life is about others, not about myself.

To never leave people feeling like I haven’t got the time for them.

To recognise beauty — even in the mundane.

To seek out opportunities to develop wisdom.

To have a thirst for knowledge.

To prioritise the meaningful over the superficial.

To face all challenges with courage.

To love without the expectation of receiving anything in return.

To exercise forgiveness.

To always find the silver lining — no exceptions.

I now write these rules at the front of notebooks for work, in personal journals and anywhere else that it would be act as a useful prompt. They serve as a daily reminder of the person that I want to be.

I’ve still got the illness that I was diagnosed with, but we are six years down the line now and I have not deteriorated anywhere near as quickly as expected. Medical advancements has pushed my meeting with the grim reaper further and further into the future. It looks as though I will be around to nag my children for a few years yet. But, in reality, none of us knows that the future holds.

I’m glad that my back up plan is in place.

Whatever your age or state of health, I would seriously recommend doing some legacy writing of your own. Because in preparing for when you are gone, you make sure that you appreciate what you have right now.

What would your rules for life be? Please share your ideas and start a discussion.