How Opening a Marriage Benefits Women vs. Men

Chronicle of an Open Marriage #29

My husband asked me the other day who was reading these stories and I was surprised to realize it is mostly men —my follower list is maybe 90% men. Yet the stories I read in Sensual: An Erotic Life and elsewhere are mostly written by women. So what’s going on?

My off-the-cuff theory is this: in opening their marriages or otherwise living a polyamorous lifestyle, women are experiencing a kind of psychic healing from all the sexism they’ve endured throughout their lives. That prompts them to write about this momentous change in their relationship to their bodies and the world. Men, I think, are reading these stories to try to figure out how to get laid.

Am I wrong? Maybe. But just in case I’m right, here are my notes to men: if you want to get laid, you need to compliment your women. Tell them they are beautiful. Tell them they are sexy. Tell them that you love them, because really, you do.

You also need to touch them gently — on the back of the neck, around the waist, on the shoulders. Let your desire for them be communicated with the slightest of pressures — with the delicate tips of your fingers. There can be no hint of violence or pressure or demand.

Also, kiss them sweetly and gently, on the lips, on the cheeks, on the ears and neck — all over. Don’t jump straight to the genitals. Take your time. Look your women in the eyes when you talk to them. Listen to what they have to say. Communicate your genuine interest and respect.

You are probably unaware of all the ways and times your women have been disrespected and diminished in their lives. It happens daily. Be the antidote to their lifetime of oppression. Respect them. Value them. Lift them up.

These are the things that energize me, anyway. It’s not about a great physique or super handsome face. It’s about a positive energy exchange. Perhaps that’s unique to me. I don’t know. Each of us is living a different life from a personal perspective. But my suspicion is many women would respond eagerly to being treated like interesting and valued human beings.

Hubs and I have been out of sync for about a week. This morning, I asked if opening the marriage was the culprit. He responded that no, we’ve been like this for 40 years…

That’s his way. He’s often gloomy. He makes dark assumptions about the rest of our lives based on what we’re going through today. He forgets the quantum of joy.

We’re all like that, a little, projecting out from the present moment. But I tend toward the opposite, envisioning success. The two of us have been locked in this philosophical opposition for a long time.

But lately, since opening the marriage, things feel different. Better. Hubs’ innate gloominess is offset by his sudden ability to express his long-repressed bisexuality. That makes him happy — to an extent.

And me? So much is happening! My sexuality, which has felt cramped and contained and controlled for my whole life has raucously burst the seams. It’s like I’ve busted through a societal straight jacket.

Think of the bras women wear. The girdles. The “shapewear.” The nylons. Tight dresses and pants and tops and tiny, confining shoes. Hair tied up in a ponytail — pulled this way and that. Then think of exuberantly throwing those strictures off. It feels something like that.

But it’s not just my body that’s being liberated. It’s also my mind. There’s much about the hetero-monogamous marriage model that is oppressive to women. Even if I don’t rationally believe I’m responsible for meeting all my husband’s needs — sexual, emotional, psychological, domestic — I’ve internalized that message. So has he. It spills out and f*cks me right and left, night and day.

Because let’s face it, it wasn’t that long ago that women were being given by their fathers to their husbands like service animals — a practice that still continues in some parts of the world today. It takes more than the right to vote to throw that massive mindf*ck off.

Recently, Hubs and I were discussing how Captain, our mutual lover, switches me on sexually. I mentioned all the points above — gentle touch, sweet talk, eye contact when f*cking. Hubs said he’d like to be able to express that level of intimacy with me, too, but he needs me to force him because he’s extremely shy.

Force him to look at me? To kiss me sweetly?

In the hetero-monogamous marriage model, that might make sense. It’s a replay of the Beauty and the Beast story I’ve heard and read and seen in movies my entire life: if only the woman loves the man enough, he will stop being a monster!

But the truth is, my husband’s evolution is his responsibility, not mine. I’m busy enough trying to figure out my own poison arrows and antidotes, and it’s taking a literal lifetime of effort. I’m 67 years old.

The good news is that my own evolution has accelerated dramatically since we opened the marriage. Since I more fully realized my body belongs to me — a message I tried mightily to communicate to my own daughter but never managed to absorb myself. Since I realized my whole life belongs to me — I get to design it. I have an obligation to design it! And if I put another person before myself, it will be because I choose to do that, for my own personal reasons, not because it’s in the outdated job description of “wife.”

My life is my most serious responsibility. I must consider it deeply and make decisions informed by my values and priorities.

It’s like Mary Oliver said so eloquently in her beloved poem: Tell me, what is it you plan to do With your one wild and precious life?

So anyway, I’m very happy for every single reader I have. But I also wish more of them were women. Because more women need to know that an open marriage could be an enormous benefit to them in body and mind and spirit.

At least, that’s how it’s been working for me.

What happened next? Read Chronicle of an Open Marriage #30. Find all of my stories about opening our marriage on the list below, or about sex in general on this one. Get an email whenever I publish. And have a magical day.