How Not to Worry About What Others Think of You

Persistent worrying about judgment is pointless. Here’s how to stop doing it.

We painstakingly pick out what we wear to work and social events to make sure that we look good and fit in with those around us.

We routinely berate ourselves for making mistakes and falling short.

We share only the most flattering edited pictures of ourselves to prove that we are successful and attractive.

All of this means that we live for the approval of others and judge ourselves harshly for anything less than perfection, and this makes us feel anxious, critical, and not enough.

But we are always enough, even when we have concerns about how others perceive us.

When I decided to create a new path for myself, I found that I struggled with chronic worry over judgment. I regularly blamed myself for how others saw me, and it was exhausting. As a woman in her late 30’s, it was frustrating and invalidating to be misjudged and misperceived.

And it took me a while to realize that living by the opinions and approval of others is not only damaging, it’s inauthentic and it’s simply something that we can’t control. That doesn’t mean that it’s always easy to not care.

Remember: opinions outside of ourselves have nothing to do with us and more to do with past experiences and future expectations. That’s evolutionarily natural.

So how do we stop caring what other people think of us?

Here’s what I’ve tried:

1. Own your feelings.

When our feelings are based on the opinions of others, we are allowing them to direct our lives. We are letting someone else’s opinion influence what we experience.

If someone brushes us off, we feel bad. It’s easy to think, “they caused me to feel this way because they brushed me off.” But really, we are in control of our emotions and whether or not we assign meaning to the actions of others.

Many of us weren’t taught to own our feelings, but we can learn to change our thoughts and this has a powerful effect on how we feel. Although it may take time to figure out why certain behaviors envoke specific responses, once we identify these thoughts, we have the power to shift how we feel about it.

For example, if someone was bullied growing up, anyone who seems remotely similar to that bully will be a threat and have the power to influence their feelings.

It takes practice to change how we feel about the actions of others, but once you identify specific feelings, question those emotions and challenge yourself to write a new script where you decide what to feel while taking full ownership of the surrounding actions and feelings.

2. View mistakes as lessons.

Everyone makes mistakes, but you wouldn’t necessarily know that because we tend to share our victories and hide everything else. Maybe it’s to save face, or maybe it’s a cultural pressure to appear perfect and together at all times. However, this is extremely alienating, because we all experience the same feelings and we all make mistakes. Hiding them only decreases the amount of support available to us.

It’s much easier to have compassion for ourselves when we view our mistakes in relation to the magnificent tapestry of humankind. If we realize that everyone has made mistakes and felt ashamed at one time or another, we can make mental lemonade out of mistaken lemons.

And mistakes, as it turns out, aren’t always negative. They not only make us human but also enhance our capacity for empathy, optimism, courage, conviction, and ultimately growth.

The most important thing we can do when we make a mistake is to learn from it. After we figure out the lesson that the mistake was trying to teach us, we can move on and not repeat the past.

I’ve been through this. I made a mistake holding onto anger over my childhood. But once I was able to shift the blame off of myself and realize that many of us had traumatic upbringings, I was able to free myself from the rumination and move forward. It didn’t mean that what I experienced was “right,” of course, but I realize that it was a mistake to let my past influence my future.

3. Identify your values.

Establishing our values opens up the vast possibilities of the human spirit and our standards for culturally appropriate behavior. This is important so that we can begin to design a life that is in better alignment with our authentic selves.

Knowing your core values is like having a map to get you through the forest. Without clear values, it’s easier to be led astray or fall into perilous situations. With a clearer idea of our standards, we can create real happiness based on the truth of who we are, and not what other people want us to be.

For a long time, I wasn’t aware of what I truly valued, and I kept making decisions that weren’t in alignment with who I was. I felt self-conscious, lost, and misguided when I was living by the values imposed on me as a child.

It took a lot of work to shift out of the old patterns I unknowingly held onto, but as I released the vision of who I thought I was supposed to be, my values became crystal clear.

I discovered that kindness is one of my top values. Now when I find myself doubting the path that I have chosen, I remind myself that kindness towards all living beings, including myself, is a worthwhile and deserving pursuit.

If you value courage and perseverance and you show up to create every day, even though you are nervous and are scared to start something new, you are guided by an inner drive to help others.

If you value authenticity, you can share your point of view with confidence and respect while knowing that you are being true to yourself and honoring your values.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that our value as a person isn’t determined by the opinions of others. And although it takes effort to change our thoughts, it is entirely possible.

Letting go and overcoming the debilitating tendency to worry about judgment allows even more luminous possibilities into our lives.