6 Easy Steps To (Not) Read The Bible Correctly

How to start a cult, push political views, and manipulate people with the Bible.

(Dog pic for attention)

There are dozens of books written on how to interpret the Bible. Boring key points like authorial intent, reading in context, and understanding the biblical narrative as a whole are always thrown in there.

But thankfully, with the shifting of culture, we now have a new way to read the Bible! No longer do we need to be tied down with these old rules!

Instead, by following these simple steps (tried and trusted by people like Jim Jones, Joseph Smith, Benny Hinn, the KKK, and Satan himself) you can break free from lame tradition, allowing you to interpret the Bible however you’d like!

I, for one, can’t think of anything that could go wrong!

1. Do NOT read in context

Picture this: you find an amazing verse, like Amos 4:4: “Go into Bethel and Gilgal and sin all you want” or “Judge not, lest you be judged.” SCORE!

Now the trick is to simply not read ANYTHING around these verses.

If you don’t that, you might see that they have nothing to do with being free to do whatever you want without being corrected in love by the Christians in your life, for the purpose of restoring your fellowship with God and realizing once again how nothing on earth compares to the riches found in Christ.

What a drag that would be.

And if anyone questions you, just throw out the ol’ faithful, “Only God can judge me!!” bible verse. Which, come to think of it, might be a lot worse than someone who isn’t divine and all-knowing judging you…but never mind that! You’re free to do whatever you’d like!

Remember, you can do “all things through Christ who strengthens you.”

2. Do NOT look into the historical background

This one goes without saying, but how silly would it be to understand the time in which the Bible was written. All you have to do is bring in as many modern ideas, politics, and pressupositions as possible when reading a passage. And don’t ever think about what it would mean when it was first written!

Now, with this new method, tons of new possible interpretations open up!

David and Jonathon? Gay rights activists.

Jesus and Mary Magdalene? Definitely lovers.

Solomon and his 1000 women? …actually no matter how you read this one, basically everyone agrees that was pretty bad.

3. DO read every story as if you are the hero

The Bible is packed full of awesome people who we can vicariously live through so that we never have to change anything about our own lives!

David slinging stones of faith?

Daniel in the lions den?

Jesus on the cross?

David with Bathshe- uh, I mean… Nathan the prophet dropping truth bombs on David?

The list goes on!

It’s pretty easy. All you have to do is read every story like you, yes YOU, are the hero and NEVER anything else. This way you can be sure to never feel convicted about the sin in your life.

As a bonus, it will make you extra-critical of all those lowly Christians who still struggle with sin in their life.

4. Do NOT read the old testament

Honestly, I’m surprised that you’ve made it this far in the article. Reading can be such a drag sometimes. Speaking of which, have you ever read the Old Testament? Neither have I. It’s way too long and definitely not worth the read. There’s not even a main character. BORING.

The only known person to read through the whole Old Testament is Ken Ham and look where that got him- dude went crazy and built a life-sized ark in Kentucky. No thank you!

Made famous by popular preacher and author Andy Stanley, this rule says to cut out the whole Old Testament from your reading. There is absolutely no reason to understand the background of the New Testament.

People argue that the Bible tells “one story” and that it’s impossible to fully understand what the New Testament says without it, but that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

5. Do NOT trust scripture over your feelings

Remember, Jesus is only love and wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable. So if you read something that you don’t like, just skip over it. Remember, it’s not what’s written that’s important or true, it’s how you feel.

Hell? Gone!

Hording money (in your church walls) and giving none to the poor? Easy!

Salvation only through the name of Jesus? Silly and outdated!

Joel Osteen, I’m looking at you

6. DO take every feeling and impulse as a word from God

While not directly related to reading the Bible, it’s close enough. After all, your feelings are just as true as the Bible.

Say goodbye to people like John Owen, Paul the Apostle, or Jesus, who said that we have to fight against our flesh and sin. Now, no matter how you feel, you can act on it without feeling bad! All you have to do is treat every feeling and impulse like it’s a direct word from God.

Have the hunch that every hospital worker is evil and working together with the devil to spread lies and usher in the One World Order? Infallible! I see no problems here!

God told you to divorce your wife to go after that new church secretary? You’ve got the green light baby! That is 100% not the wickedness of your own heart!

Promoted by: pastor Gregg Locke, Modern culture, He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

Conclusion

Well, now that you know how to read the Bible properly, I suggest you go give it a try!

If you don’t want to, that’s fine too! Just try listening to your heart instead. It’s basically the same thing.