How Not to Confuse Being Nice With Acts of Kindness
Being nice is so passé; kindness is where all the cool kids hang out
My world turned upside down and inside out when I lost my K9 soulmate. I fell into a deep, dark hole with limited oxygen.
Her departure changed me.
The acute stages of grief were disorientating. It felt like I was starting life from scratch and learning how to live again. My old familiar compass calibration was gone, I had to navigate the world by a different means. Bereavement will change you.
Grief is a lonely path.
Even those who have endured grief won’t understand exactly how you feel; our lived experiences are individual. We may have an inkling of an idea, but we can never viscerally know what emotions another person is enduring.
All grief is different. Some may even be reading this with minimising or dismissive thoughts because my loss was not a human, but as Richard Biby outlines in his poem “It’s Just a Dog,” these are the ones who say things like “just a sunset.”
I received many messages in the wake of my grief.
“Let me know if I can do anything”
“Thinking of you”
These messages were nice.
They were nice to read. They had nice intentions. I can not fault these words. But they didn’t make a difference to me. And — I don’t mean to sound ungrateful here — but they seemed irrelevant. Just words echoing about in the void of my existence.
Luckily, I also had some incredibly kind people around me. They showed their support through their actions. These angels in human form gave me their time and energy, not just their isolated words. They salvaged me from the depths of darkness.
“Fancy a walk”
“Can I come and make you dinner and chat”
Maybe being nice remains in a moment in time. Whereas being kind is more about the long-term impact.
Anyone can be nice
Being nice is about treating others with respect. It conjures up the idea of being polite and agreeable by putting on a front and smiling.
We have all heard the old adage, “It’s nice to be nice.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with being nice.
Or is there?
Personally, I think there is something superficial in niceness, whereas being kind has substance.
Nice seems insincere and icky. Like that person who flamboyantly tells you how wonderful you look, and then you overhear them sneering about your outfit/hair/earrings/weight/shoes to their partner in crime. Nice words can often carry harm.
There’s a saying suggesting that if we haven’t got anything nice to say, we shouldn’t say anything at all. Anyone can say nice things without meaning them. Can we change this saying to “If you haven’t got anything kind to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Because being nice to someone’s face and cruel about them behind their back is categorically unkind.
It is easy to suppress our real feelings and emotions. Plaster a smile on our faces and be nice to those around us. After all, being nice is a desirable trait for exchanges with other humans. Very often, this is a learned behavior to bring about a desired result — other people responding positively to us — and being considered as nice ourselves.
But, being nice does not equate to being kind.
The terms nice and kind are not interchangeable. There are distinct differences.
Your Dictionary differentiates between these two terms.
Nice is:
“someone who is pleasant or agreeable.”
Kind is:
“someone who is warm, generous or sympathetic.”
Personality or character
I wonder if being nice is a personality trait, whereas being kind is a character trait.
According to this article, personality traits are visible from the onset of meeting someone. Whereas character traits reveal themselves over time.
While kindness comes naturally to some people, it is a learned behaviour for others. If we haven’t had kindness mirrored in our upbringing, it doesn’t necessarily come easily to us.
Luckily, kindness has its own feedback system, and each time we perform an act of kindness the brain releases feel-good chemicals — oxytocin and dopamine — to create a “helpers high”, thus a reward system for kindness is created.
Oxytocin aids social bonding. Put another way, when we put kindness out into the world, we feel more connected with people around us, which creates a sense of belonging.
Feeling like we belong is a fundamental human need to thrive.
Nice versus kind example
The cold hard truth is this, some people avoid being kind as it may require a sacrifice or action.
Consider these exchanges, which outline the difference between being nice and being kind.
Bob: “Hi, how are you?” Fred: “Hi, not great; I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.”
Bob has several different responses to choose from.
Nice response: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better soon.”
Kind response: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m free after work today if you fancy going for a walk or a coffee, and you can tell me all about it?”
Unkind response: “Yeah, I think we are all feeling like that at the moment; you should try having 3 children and working as many hours as I do.”
The first response is nice. But there is no action. The words stay in the moment and do nothing to bring relief or connection to Fred. The words are socially appropriate, but they remain hollow.
The second response is kind. Bob is offering to give his time to Fred. A listening ear and a bit of support. Allowing Fred the space to talk openly. This may help Fred work through his feelings. After all, according to this article, a problem shared is a problem halved.
The third response is categorically unkind. While Bob may well be feeling overwhelmed, he has shown no empathy. Bob’s words have dismissed, belittled and minimised Fred’s feelings. Not only this but by turning the conversation to his own woes, Bob has left Fred feeling invalidated and unseen.
Comparing struggles is not helpful or kind. This response will likely cause more harm than good.
Cruel to be kind
The adage “cruel to be kind” originates from Hamlet. According to this dictionary definition, it refers to causing someone pain or suffering for their own good or benefit.
Maybe the term “cruel” has evolved over time. But as it stands I can’t see how we can ever justify cruelty as a carriage of kindness.
Cruelty involves a willful intent to cause pain or suffering, such as with animal cruelty.
Perhaps we could reword this to “not being nice to be kind.” I know it sounds a bit clunky and awkward, but humour me.
Example 1: Someone with a complex relationship with alcohol may think we aren’t particularly nice if we refuse to provide them with alcohol. Yet, this refusal is kind despite the difficulties that may arise.
Example 2: Children may not think the actions of their parents are always nice. Yet, raising children requires boundaries. Enforcing boundaries is a long-term act of kindness. Kindness for the well-being of the children.
Example 3: I’ve heard of schools under pressure from parents to minimise negative feedback to the children. This is to avoid hurting the feelings of the students. Giving constant nice comments for feedback stifles growth and development. It does not prepare students for the real world. Constructive feedback is essential, and when worded and acted upon appropriately, can be kind.
In all three examples, we could argue those involved were not necessarily being nice. But they were certainly not being cruel.
Many life situations prevent us from being nice.
During my days as a uniformed police officer, one of the hardest aspects of my role was delivering death messages. I have a string of sorrowful memories of passing on the devastating news of someone’s demise to a next of kin. This information is never nice to hear. No words can ever make this a nice dialogue.
But I delivered this information with empathy and compassion. I weaved kindness into the situation to help the bereaved.
We can bring kindness to not nice situations.
Avoid being nice to be kind
So there we have it. Being nice and being kind are entirely different traits.
There are some occasions where being nice may not be particularly appropriate. But there are no occasions where being kind is inappropriate.
We can all work to improve our authentic kindness.
For too long, I viewed kindness as sacrificial. Please remember that kindness includes self-kindness. Sometimes, you need to be the recipient of the kindness you give.
I wish it didn’t need to take the passing of my beloved K9 soulmate to be able to show kindness to myself.
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