Life Lesson

How Not To Behave At Work

The Importance Of Playing Off A Straight Bat

Looking back over fifty plus years of working I have had the misfortune of working with quite a few swines and some total and utter bastards. On at least two occasions I have been threatened by the owner boss with having my legs broken if I dared to leave the company. Both times I fronted them up and called their bluff in front of everybody else in the office. That did not go down well I can tell you.

In the end, they both backed down and actually apologised, which being a reasonable man I accepted, though I broke the contact with them afterwards. There were two other standout tossers, so called workmates, who did actually try to cause me quite a bit of damage at least economically, not that it got them very far.

The first of these idiots I came across in my very first job after graduation from university. I got hired to work in the creative department of a major advertising agency as a copywriter. When I was taken downstairs to were all the creatives were working I was shown the nicest desk in a beautiful open plan office. I had no idea that I was being set up right from the get go.

The desk belonged to an absent senior manager who was away on holiday. When he returned and saw me sat at his desk and enquired who I was he was told that I was his replacement. The reason they did this was because he was a very unpopular bullshitter who stole other peoples work and claimed all the credit for it. It was other people using me to piss him off, without me being in on it.

Unbeknownst to me this man, believing that I was in on this little joke, became my sworn enemy and did everything he could to hound me out of the job. After six months I was headhunted by another agency offering me a senior position with a great annual salary. However, after about a year my enemy was let go at my old agency by people he had pissed off, people who had got themselves into senior director positions and gave him the chop.

One day looking out of my office window to the carpark down below I saw my enemy's car and immediately asked to speak with the agency owner MD. He agreed to see me after his private chat with my enemy. As I walked into his office the MD effusively welcomed me with some great news, my enemy had just been appointed as my new boss. From that moment on I knew it was only a matter of time before things would come to a head.

Over the course of the following month this pile of dog crap did everything he could to make my life as miserable as he could. In the mornings he would get in before me and turn off the heating in my office and open the door and all the windows to make the place as cold as hell.

His next little party trick was to cut me out of creative meetings with the directors telling me I wasn't needed and telling them I was refusing to attend with the excuse that I was busy. Worse than that, he was stealing all my great creative ideas from my desk drawers and presenting them as his. To make matters worse he was presenting his shit ideas as mine. And at one point to get a point across he threatened to give me a punch in the face.

I knew about what was going on in the meetings as I had a colleague who was also one of my best friends present. Then I heard from another very good friend of mine back at the old agency that my enemy was meeting a friend of his from that agency at a local pub for lunch. Every time they met the friend would greet my enemy with "Well, have you managed to get rid of him yet?"

Eventually this swine moved me out of the best office in the building into a room little more than a broom cupboard. Then he bided his time. He waited until all of the directors were out of town to call me into his office.

"Right, I think you should start looking for another job." the turd said. "Really?" I replied. "So are you sacking me?"

"No, just telling you to look for another job."

"Because?"

"Because you're actually not a very good writer."

"You bastard, I'm damn sight better writer than you will ever be.You're a bullshitting, lying thief who steals other peoples work and tries to claim credit behind their backs."

The fool just sat looking at me with a supercilious grin on his face. At this point I realised he had chosen the perfect moment. All the directors had gone away for two weeks holidays and left this pathetic excuse for a human being as the most senior person in charge. At that point I had had enough and decided to have a bit of 'harmless' fun on my way out.

I silently stood up and turned to lock his office door. Then I strode over to the big sash window and lifted it open to its maximum height. I looked out a few seconds at the carpark four floors below. Then I turned on the spot and glared at him.

"Errrrr, what are you doing, what's going on Liam?"

"I'm just getting a breath of fresh air whilst I decide what to do next. And this meeting is too important to be disturbed by anybody."

He looked terrified, as if I was going to throw him out of the window, which was exactly what I wanted him to think.

The man started to squirm and tremble. "Now let's not be too hasty about this, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement."

I just told him to shut up and let me think. I decided to let him suffer a couple of minutes. Then I walked over to his office door and unlocked it and went home.

In the end I negotiated very favourable leaving terms and walked straight into the best paying freelance writing career of my life. So much for not being a very good writer. As for my nemesis, at the age of 54 he suddenly decided to try to be young again and went out for a half marathon run, had a major heart attack and dropped dead.

They do say that no favour goes unpunished, and the following story demonstrates that perfectly. Many years later I found myself in car sales at a main dealership. One day a middle aged man came into the showroom and bought himself a brand new sports car. Unfortunately for him a month later he lost his job and couldn't keep up the loan re-payments. The man did no more than come back to me and asked if we could buy the care back off him. I asked my sales manager and he said no thank you. Suddenly I had what I thought was a good idea to help the guy out.

I told the man to wait at my desk with a coffee until I got back from having another chat with my manager. I walked into the manager's office and said....

"I've had an idea. We have a lot of new customer enquiries in the showroom and I need a hand. Why don't we give this a job, and then he won't have to sell his car."

"Sounds good to me, send him in to see me."

I went back out and told the man, I shall call him Simon, what I had organised and he was beside himself with joy. He sailed through the interview and got the job. I was appointed as his mentor and trainer, his success was all on me.

Over the coming weeks Simon was nothing less than an abject failure. He didn't sell a single car, no matter how much help and guidance I gave him. Eventually after about a month had passed suddenly Simon began to sell cars. Great, I was so pleased for him, though not for long.

In an early morning sales meeting it came out that Simon had been selling cars to customers who I had appointed to come into the showroom. I wrongfully presumed that they had changed their mind. I was wrong. The customers entered the showroom asking for me and had been told by Simon that I no longer worked there. In fact I happened to be in the parts department upstairs getting some accessories ordered for other customers.

So effectively, after all of my help Simon had decided to stab me in the back. Every car of mine he had sold paid a good commission to him. To make matters worse my boss was getting worried about my own decline in sales. Not nice after all I had done for the man.

I did try to have it out with Simon and the manager but for some strange reason the manager supported Simon. Without my commission and management support I felt I had no option but to leave, which was what I did post haste to an even better job.

Less than a year later I got a call from an old colleague back at the dealership where Simon still worked to be told the shocking news that he had gone abroad on holiday and fallen off a cliff to his instant death on the rocks at the bottom of the rock face.

Of course, I would never wish that sort of thing on anybody, but it did set me wondering about how what you might call Karma can move in very mysterious ways.

My mother always used to drum it into me as a child that cheats seldom prosper. And they were amongst some of the wisest words she ever said. For that reason I have always played off a straight bat at whatever personal cost. At the very least I could sleep at night, and that means the world to me. More than that, from my experience, dirty players invariably come to a bad end and straight players live to tell the tale.

Dr Mehmet Yildiz Aldric Chen Esther George Aldric Chen Michael Nagy Rebecca Stevens A. Esther George Rui Alves Terry Mansfield Abigail Storm Mike Janowski Random Jones Judge-Mental Fiona RobinsonJames mothersbaugh Keith Kollmann Julie Greenidge Denise Shelton Ash K WordsWereSaid Jack Albrecht