BREAST ADJACENT STORIES
How Naked is Too Naked?
Swimsuit in the bag for a save
Now that I am a self-proclaimed will-go-to-a-naked-spa person, I interview my friends about whether they‘ve ever been naked in public. Yes, I’m one of those assholes who finally did something I was afraid of and now I believe everyone should try it.
I read somewhere that when you said the word naked to someone, you inevitably imagined that person naked. I, however, am neither trying to imagine my friends naked nor am I attempting to get everyone to imagine me naked. Or am I?
No, I am not.
However, asking the question, Have you ever been publicly naked? is a fairy jump away from imagining them naked.
Imagining nudity is easy. We all know what naked looks like. Most of us are naked at least once a day. We all have similar parts.
That’s why people with stage fright are always told to imagine their audience naked — cause it’s easy.
The hard part about conjuring up a faux-naked audience is figuring out how hairy they are. That alone can make you lose your focus.
My friend, the gynecologist, told me women over 45 are like gorillas down there. Women under 40 are like seals. That is why bars in Miami do not ask for I.D.s — they ask to see your vagina. That’s what I heard or made up.
Most friends I ask, Have you ever been publicly naked? quickly turn into ultra-religious old people. They look at me aghast. They wonder if they’ve missed some pervy detail about me.
Once they turn back to their regular age, they look at me with curiosity as if to say “Take me to your nudie.”
When I told my friend Lizzie about going to the naked spa, she told me she’d already been. I was shocked.
Lizzie emerged from the womb in business casual. Instead of being swaddled as a newborn, the nurses put business casual Lizzie into a doctor’s briefcase to sleep.
When her mother awoke Lizzie to nurse, her mom squirted breast milk into a paper Starbucks coffee cup where Lizzie nursed it tastefully.
Wow, I said to Lizzie. I can’t believe you did public nudity. I was sure you’d say, “never.”
It still is never, she said. My sister tricked me into going to a naked spa, but as soon as I realized it was naked only, I changed into my swimsuit.
Lizzie was a college swimmer. I am only telling you that by way of explaining why she had a swimsuit in her purse. She’s always got a swimsuit in her purse — just in case a cool pool appears during her work day. It has and it will again.
Was it weird, I asked her, being the only dressed person?
No, she said. It would be weirder if I were naked in front of a group of strangers.
Nudity is not for everyone, but I still say it’s worth a go. On the other hand, you gotta love a woman who carries a swimsuit in her bag in case of a pool.
