April Prompt

How My Past Shapes and Colors but Does Not Define Who I Am Now

A fact I’ve learned to appreciate, albeit kicking and screaming

Sorting my sordid past makes for some interesting copy.

But that’s not why I do it.

Reflecting on, and what I do with what happened trumps writing about it.

As Dave Willis wisely said, Your mistakes don’t define your character. It’s what you choose to do after your mistakes that make all the difference.

That being said, writing is one of my key reflecting tools. Didn’t someone say, I think therefore I write? No? Okay, then I will! The playwright Edward Albee did say I write to find out what I’m thinking. For me, both fit.

I think of my life as a tapestry.

There are threads of many hues, some dull and dark. Some bright and shiny. Keep in mind those dark backgrounds show off the bright and shiny. Just ask the stars, which aren’t visible against the day’s bright blues and whites the way they are against night’s blanket of darkness.

But who’s to say what’s dark and what’s brilliant as it happens in my life?

It’s my reflection that weaves the strands into my tapestry. It’s the combination of threads that weave the patterns that provide the shapes that tell the stories of my life.

“When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.” — Unknown.

That means everything is either a blessing or a lesson or both. Or if it’s hot off the press, it can be a blessed lesson in the making.

Fortunately, I’ve turned losses into lessons.

The biggest one was my infidelity.

It’s a blessing/lesson not because I cheated on my spouse.

But because I learned I was powerless over the heady feelings of power and control that behavior gave me in a lopsided marriage. A juvenile passive-aggressive, I’ll show you! payback for hurts I was unable to confront head-on.

That lesson took years to get to.

I first had to qualify myself as a sex and love addict. Since I didn’t think I was and believed I could stop anytime, I kept going with my compulsive ‘acting out’ as we call it.

It one tryst felt good, hundreds feel even better, right? Or as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous–If one is too many, a thousand’s not enough.

Eventually, my behaviors imploded in on me. The sh*t hit the fan, I admitted I needed help, and dragged my butt to my first ‘beginners’ meeting. The meeting I didn’t want to need or go to, because of who I believed those people were.

Turned out, I was one of ‘those people.’

But instead of being creepy, kinky perverts, those people were welcoming, accepting, and wise beyond their years. They had a calm serenity I very much wanted. To get it, I had to do the self-work they did.

Through their love, I became willing to work the steps, admit my dis-ease, and ask for people’s help and spiritual help. I looked at, shared, and amended my errors. Not something you can just zip through. The steps are ordered in such a way as to painstakingly walk us through a personal transformation.

Since I was not a spiritual person before recovery, this didn’t just restore me to where I was before I started cheating. Recovery took me to places of insight, emotional intelligence, and spiritual connection way beyond that.

What a gift!

And it’s a gift that keeps on giving.

Thanks to my recovery I went back to school and have a certificate in drug and alcohol studies. That gave me the insight to go to Al-Anon in response to my mom’s then worsening abuse of alcohol.

Al-Anon taught me that the only person I can change is me. Not my mom or anyone else. As painful as that is, it’s true.

But it also taught me what I can say and how to say it.

With coaching, I was able to tell my mom I was not about to come to Ohio to watch her kill herself. But the minute she was ready to go to the hospital and detox–which her MD had been pushing — I’d be on the very next plane.

Then I had to hang up and shut up.

No nagging, negotiating, or cajoling. Let go and Let God, as we say. I did. A few days later, she called and said, I’m ready. And except for one shaky moment where she wanted to try on her own first–just like me–she was.

I told her I did not come all the way from California to watch her fail. Either she goes to the hospital or I go to the airport. Then I silently prayed like mad. After a long, pregnant pause, she said okay.

That was 2004. She’s been clean and sober ever since! And still goes to meetings at 92! Now we are a recovery beachhead that can offer support to others still struggling.

The Moral of the Story:

My colorful past certainly colors who and how I am today.

But it’s what I did about it that defines me. And what I did was work an active spiritual recovery program that transformed my life and taught me humility and integrity.

That humility opened me to so much grace I don’t know where to begin. But the miracle of making amends to the cheated-on spouse, which I’ve shared here was a spectacular start.

Graceful coincidences and serendipities continue to bless my life. As long as I keep in fit spiritual condition, I’m granted a daily reprieve. No laurels to coast on.

Keeping in fit spiritual condition means I walk my talk. Which makes my writing honest. I can’t tell you to quit, surrender, pray or make amends if I don’t. So ironically, my love of writing and the twin pillars of humility and integrity keep me on my path.

I’m not glad I cheated on my spouse.

But I am deeply grateful for all the lessons and blessings flowing from it, starting with my willingness to heal and follow a spiritual path to do so.

Cheating no longer defines me. Healing in the loving arms of my Higher Power does. That’s the new me: Marilyn Ruth Flower.

Viva la difference!

Thanks and blessings go to Yana Bostongirl and Donnette Anglin for this provocative and reflective April prompt!

Marilyn Flower writes humor to laugh the changes she wants to see and make. She’s the author of Creative Blogging: Ninja Writers Guide to Character Development and Bucket Listers, Get Your Brave On. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times. Follow my Sacred Foolishness and Stay in touch!