How My Need for External Validation Dropped after My Grandma’s Death
5 useful tips to help you drop yours as well
“One of the best things you can do for yourself is to validate yourself.” ― Angel Moreira
We live in a society where seeking outside validation has become our second nature. Being caught between the lack of validation we received from our primary caregivers in childhood and social media’s strong pull, the need for praise and acknowledgment is more prevalent than ever. We are social creatures who need social interaction to thrive. The problem is, the more dependent we are on external circumstances to offer us praise, the more prone to disappointment and low self-esteem we become.
Our primary source of validation should come from within. For most of us though, it does not come naturally. We have been so conditioned since early childhood to rely on someone else’s approval, it might seem off and even forced to do it ourselves. As children, our accomplishments are filtered through the eye of the main adults in our lives. The feedback we received was not always the expected one due to a variety of reasons which many times did not even have anything to do with us. Perhaps, for some of us, our primary caregivers were emotionally or physically unavailable, unable to properly meet these needs.
For more than 29 years, my primary source of validation had been external. My parents were not prone to validating my feelings or my achievements. They believed that children should be seen but not heard. I have always felt like I should repress some of my feelings or always do more to gain their approval.
It was mostly my grandmother who has been my biggest cheerleader. She would always encourage me in my pursuits no matter how crazy or random they seemed. I knew I could always find kindness and understanding in her big brown eyes. I didn’t even have to utter a single word, yet she knew something was troubling me.
I recall a warm summer morning back when I was a teenager. I was lying in bed, contemplating my future, full of doubt and fear, when I heard a knock on the door. I knew it was her because she always had a special three times knock, meaning she would knock three times in a row to let us know it was her. She slowly cracked the door open, and her face came into sight. I would always first notice her beautiful wide smile which made even the darkest of the rooms light up. Proud and happy with her recently done perm, she wanted me to accompany her for a stroll in the park. I didn’t really want to go because I had just got a bad grade and I was afraid I wouldn’t get into my dream University.
She placed her black old-fashioned handbag on an armchair and sat down on the bed, next to me. She knew I had to vent. After patiently listening to my ramblings for about half an hour she said something that has stayed with me ever since: ‘Don’t worry, what’s meant for you, won’t pass you by.’ I was still quite doubtful but I did feel comforted by those words. We ended up going for that stroll, after all. This has been and always will be one of my most cherished memories of her.
But after her death, exactly one year ago, things changed. I clearly remember the day I had the insight which gave me the idea for writing this article. A few months after my grandma’s passing, my mood was quite low, so I called a friend hoping she would tell me some nice things that would put me back on my feet. Just like my grandma used to. Needless to say, I didn’t get the validation I was seeking from her, and my mood got even lower than before the phone call. But then it hit me…why was I looking on the outside for something that could be achieved internally? And so, I started wondering: what would it be like to validate myself instead of waiting for others to do it? Of course, that would be a new reality I would have to get used to.
At first, it felt very strange, more precisely forced, and uncomfortable. I have always been quite a sensitive person so other people’s opinions were impacting me more than I would have liked to admit.
Here are some tips that have helped me on my path of learning how to seek internal validation:
- Talk nicer to yourself
“Be very careful what you say to yourself because someone very important is listening . . . YOU!”
— John Assaraf
I put myself in other’s people shoes and thought if someone close to me had a bad day, I wouldn’t start pointing out what they could have done better or criticized them for making a bad decision. I would do my best to support and encourage them. So then, why do we treat ourselves so harshly when things don’t go well? Imagine a good friend is experiencing a similar situation to ours. Let’s think of what you would say to that friend to offer him or her some comfort. Would you be empathetic and soothing or harsh and full of criticism?
2. Become more assertive
“I encourage people to remember that “no” is a complete sentence.” ― Gavin de Becker
Assertiveness can boost self-esteem and increase internal validation. This is the equivalent of taking the reins into your own hands. I began with something small, such as saying no to a trip I didn’t really want to take. It was difficult in the beginning, but by paying attention to how certain activities made me feel, I noticed a visible change in my mood. Self-respect is a form of self-love. Validating your feelings is a very important step. Another way you can become assertive is through proactive behavior. By undertaking a project, for instance.
3. Get out of your head
“Overthinking will not empower you over things that are beyond your control. So, let it be if its meant to be and cherish the moment.” –Mahsati A
Overthinking is both energetically depleting as well as time-consuming. Dwelling too much on past events and creating scenarios of ‘what if I had acted differently’ is no better than entertaining future ideas such as ‘what if I am going to fail if…’. I spent a long part of my life doing these things and I realized what a disservice I was doing to myself. Instead, have faith that you have done your best and will continue to do so.
4. Keep your promises to yourself
“To be responsible, keep your promises to others. To be successful, keep your promises to yourself.”
— Marie Forleo
How was I going to increase my inner validation if I kept letting myself down? By breaking promises to myself, even small things like postponing exercises would mean that I was subconsciously disappointing myself. So, if you promised yourself that today you were going to exercise, then do it. Or simply relax. In the same way, you wouldn’t want a friend to cancel on you all the time, you wouldn’t want yourself to do it either. Showing up for yourself is a form of self-respect, it will make you feel good, therefore internally validated.
5. Trust your choices
“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement”
— Golda Meir
Whether we are talking about what to wear for the day or an idea for a project or something you should try, don’t ask for anyone else’s opinion but yours. I started by asking myself: how does that make me feel? Does it feel good or off? Making your own decisions and backing them up is a great way of showing that you trust yourself to choose what feels the best for you at the time.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” — Buddha
The best way to learn new habits is to practice them daily. You could even make a daily list to track your progress. For instance, you could write something like:
- Today I told myself I look beautiful.
- I took the initiative and invited my friend for a coffee.
- I did my best with that challenging situation at work.
- I promised myself I would take a relaxing bath today and I did.
- I trust myself in writing the new article.
Final thoughts
I would like to conclude by saying the death of my grandmother has taught me a valuable lesson: since we cannot completely let go of external validation, the wisest thing to do is to acknowledge that internal validation is much more reliable. And if someone praises you, then great, but don’t let that be your main barometer for validating yourself.
“The only permission, the only validation, and the only opinion that matters in our quest for greatness is our own.” Steve Maraboli
Remember, next time you seek external validation, take a moment, become aware of it, and then see whether you can offer it to yourself first. Believe me, when you see how liberating and empowering it feels to validate yourself, the need for other’s approval will exponentially decrease. Be your biggest cheerleader!