How My Morning Ritual That Summons Seethus, Demon of Productivity, Helps Me Achieve My Daily Goals

Summary

The author describes a unique morning ritual involving yoga and demonic summoning to enhance productivity and achieve daily goals.

Abstract

The article outlines an unconventional morning routine practiced by the author to maximize productivity. This routine includes warming up with stretches at 5:30 AM, performing yoga with specific sigils to summon Seethus, the demon of productivity, and maintaining a strict dietary offering as part of the ritual. The author emphasizes the importance of precise yoga poses to avoid summoning the wrong demon, the significance of a nutritious breakfast for both the summoner and the summoned, and the use of a family heirloom journal for automatic writing to plan the day's tasks. The ritual concludes with a cold shower and makeup application, during which the author allows Seethus to take control and assist with the day's agenda. The author boasts of accomplishments achieved through this ritual, contrasting it with more common, less effective morning habits.

Opinions

The author believes that traditional morning rituals like cold showers and journaling are inferior to their own method of summoning a demon for productivity.
There is a strong emphasis on the precision of the yoga poses and the quality of the offerings to ensure the correct demon is summoned.
The author suggests that productivity is not just a matter of discipline but can be enhanced by supernatural means.
The article implies that conventional productivity methods, such as writing in a gratitude journal, are less effective than the author's demon-summoning ritual.
The author mocks those who prioritize relaxation over constant productivity, viewing the use of their body by a demon as a fair trade for achieving their goals.
There is a clear disdain for people who procrastinate or become intimidated by their to-do lists, suggesting that such behavior is akin to committing one of the seven deadly sins, sloth.
The author is confident in the effectiveness of their morning ritual, attributing their success and the anticipation of becoming a CEO before the age of 30 to this unorthodox practice.

Morals are for the lazy and unproductive

Admit it, you want to be that person who manages to get it all done in a day. The good news is you can be. Consistent daily rituals are the key to making that happen. For some that means cold showers. Others prefer journaling. Me? I swear by my morning rituals that summon Seethus, the demon of productivity.

Never heard of my routine? It’s easy!

I rise at 5:30 to do some warming up stretches. After my muscles are loose it’s time to roll out my custom yoga mat. It’s organic (don’t settle for less) and painted with sigils that open the door to the underworld. You won’t find this routine on Yoga with Adriene, but suffice it to say after contorting my body into rough approximations of the signs themselves, I successfully release the seals to the fiery door and call on my demon.

Here’s the thing, you can’t half-ass the poses, because there’s a fine line between some of those demon names. You don’t want to accidentally summon Sneethus, demon of sweets, do you? Believe me, cake and productivity mix like demons and holy water.

By 6:30 my tummy is growling, so to the kitchen I go for breakfast. Not only is it the important meal of the day, it’s another important step needed to summon Seethus. There’s no specific dishes but treat your body like a temple. Then make two of two of everything so you can set out a plate for yourself and the other in the small temple you should create for the demon who increases productivity ten-fold.

After I’m full, I open my buttery soft journal. It’s nothing fancy, the softness comes from the oils of human hands who’ve been using it for centuries. They say productivity is genetic. I think they might be right, because my family has handed this thing down along with the stories of our achievements. One of my most prolific ancestors is said to have created seven poppets in one afternoon. You can’t do that without amazing time-management skills or less-than-divine help. Not to risk anyone’s wrath here, but it took God 6 days to make the world. If he’d used a demon’s help he might have done it in half that time.

Anyway, I turn to a blank page (there will always be a blank page) and start to write out what I’d want to get done that day. Then I clear my head, keep moving my pen, and allow the automatic writing to take hold. Eventually the demon continues to write, with me acting as a conduit, adding more tasks to the list. Once the darkness clears I get to see the whole itinerary of another task-filled day.

After a quick cold shower I do my makeup. It was odd at first, watching my pupils in the mirror grow larger until they overtook my entire eyes, indicating that Seethus is in control, ready to cross everything off our to-do list. Creating the perfect statement lip helps take attention away from my soulless eyes which can attract unwanted judgement from the ignorant and unproductive public.

Before all the haters tell me that I’m making unrealistic promises, I will tell you that I get a lot done because of my morning ritual. Take for example yesterday. We went to the grocery store, prepared bone broths, filed reports before their deadlines, set up meetings, cleaned the house, incited jealousy in lover’s hearts, told children there is no God, vandalized various religious relics, and volunteered at the animal shelter.

So tell me, oh sanctimonious one, what did you accomplish after you wrote in your gratitude journal this morning? Oh? You didn’t do anything but make a list then got intimidated by your list and watched Netflix instead? Maybe someone committing sloth shouldn’t add envy to their basket.

I know my methods may seem extreme to some. They say, “Why can’t you just do less and relax and not allow your body to be used by a servant of Lucifer?” But being productive is all that matters. If you aren’t always getting something done you’ll never amount to anything and is that any better than becoming a vessel for a demon from time to time? No, not in my black book where I’ve signed my name in blood.

I’m on track to be CEO of a very lucrative company before I turn 30. You can waste your mornings with feel-good rituals that do nothing but fluff your ego. I’m going to keep doing what works for me as long as I have breath in my body and virgin acquaintances I can trick once a year into coming down into my basement when it’s time for the goal setting ceremony.