How My Grandmother’s Legacy Goes Beyond the Wrinkles

Breaking free from generational struggles for a more joyful home

The Shifting Generations of the Women Before Me

Over the course of history, women’s roles have changed and evolved, creating an array of stories. All the way from the early fights for suffrage to the current fight for equality, women have skillfully maneuvered through social changes, questioning conventions and reshaping their roles in significant ways.

As we enter a new period, it’s important to think about how different generations have impacted women’s lives. Women, who were once expected to stay home and care for their families, have broken free of societal constraints and taken charge of their own lives. Though it is far from ending, women now have a place in boardrooms, labs, and political arenas thanks to the fight for equal rights.

This development reflects the shifting social fabric and is a tribute to the courage of many pioneers.

A personal tale based on the experiences of my family, especially the women who came before me, unfolds in this setting. Their narratives capture the spirit of these generational changes, characterized by determination, perseverance, and optimism.

The extraordinary women who have come before me have molded my life, and in the sections that follow, I will reflect on how their impact brought me into a world where I have to manage the specifics of gender in the context of social transformation.

Generational Patterns: The Ironed Ideals

Observing the pile of laundered and dried clothes sprawled across the sofa, which now occupies a slightly larger space, I reflect on the societal expectations of women nowadays.

Do I do enough? Am I enough?

I haven’t ironed anything in the last two weeks except for the necessary items. The kids ignore the clothes; they’d happily leap into them, imagining it’s a haystack.

Their habit of jumping on the couch makes me anxious, especially when doing so close to clean clothes. They somehow reflect the implicit expectation of being a model wife and mother who takes good care of the family.

Clothing should always be ironed, or so I was taught growing up.

A Grandmother’s Legacy of Devotion

When I was four years old, my grandma moved in with us for health reasons—her own, primarily. She did not go outside alone, presumably because she was still frail after having a double mastectomy. She spent an additional ten years living with us.

She was willing to help with household chores and take care of us kids after kindergarten and later after school. She was the type of person who dedicated herself entirely to helping others, even to the point of sacrificing herself.

I remember her early mornings at the ironing table, pressing and smoothing every article of clothing, lovingly caressing the fabric.

Her focus and determination in tackling any pile of garments amazed me. But there was never a pile with her, as though it were her duty to always iron and fold everything perfectly.

Our school clothes were impeccable all the time. She would finish the ironing and make me a dish of excellent semolina pudding with sour cherry jam.

Inherited Expectations: The Model Woman

My grandmother cooked for us and kept the kitchen tidy. She looked after my brother and me after school, read us stories for our afternoon naps, and played pretend games and cards with us. She taught us etiquette and practical skills and was always willing to share her wisdom.

Her primary focus was on our being good kids. While obedience was expected, we learned it gently, guided by her love.

This intimate portrait of my grandmother’s dedication paints a picture of her character and mirrors the societal expectations of women during her time. Her ability to juggle household tasks with grace and efficiency was a personal trait and a reflection of the era’s ideals for women.

People talked and judged. As a kid, I noticed it. I observed many things and also succeeded in blocking out many more. Those were the times immediately following the fall of communism in Romania.

I realized how important it was to present myself and how I dressed. I noticed what others would think. Heaven forbid if, as a schoolgirl, I didn’t have my hair perfectly plaited and if I didn’t wear my hairband with two immaculate white pompoms on it.

Learning from my grandmother that a woman’s power is evident in her actions, I began to understand the true strength that lies in resilience and compassion.

Even in her sickly state, she would go above and beyond to care for us and the small apartment we lived in.

My parents were working a lot, sometimes in shifts. With my childish eyes and senses, I could mostly notice my grandma in those early years. She was everything. Those were my formative years, and she instilled in me a sense of order, womanly duty, and the must-dos in a house.

A woman’s impact goes much beyond what she says; it is in the threads of her actions that she leaves behind a legacy of dignity, compassion, and strength, as I saw firsthand from my grandmother’s life.

Lessons Beyond Ironing

Besides the house chores, my grandma and I used to talk a lot and play games. With her, I practiced my numbers, my letters, and my poems learned by heart for school.

I wished she would tell me stories about her life, but she never did. The topics appeared to be taboo, which she carefully avoided whenever they arose.

Her stories faded from my memory, leaving only remnants of her acts and pearls of knowledge. I recall her practical advice and home skills, as well as the browned book of recipes she inherited from the women who came before her.

Above all, she had a creative spirit absorbed in the art of making needlelace and embroidery. Her pieces used to look like the ones in the photo above. Her hands constantly moved, weaving vivid threads with a sewing needle, demonstrating her artistic passion.

💬 What lessons have you inherited from your elders that still influence your life today?

What I remember the most, though, is her resilience. Even though she had been through a lot, with her frail composure and kind eyes, I could feel there was more she wouldn’t let be seen.

I learned 20 years later, after she was long gone that she had been through all sorts of abuse from my narcissistic grandfather. That was the reason she came to live with us after her mastectomy.

Her resilience and creativity were transferred to my mom and me.

Reflecting on her qualities, I now recognize my grandmother’s entrepreneurial spirit, a trait ahead of her time. Had she lived nowadays, I imagine her having her own studio, creating art, and sharing her knowledge through workshops.

I feel her presence in my memories whenever I need to make a difficult decision. Her resilience is felt in my body and soul.

And I hope one day to have my very own art studio, where I may carry on my grandmother’s legacy, encourage others, and build a community that recognizes the strength of the creative spirit and the importance of sticking to one’s goals.

💬 How did your grandparents’ values have shaped your worldview?

Escaping the Perfectionist Trap

Reflecting on the past, I recall my mother wishing to follow my grandmother’s approach. She used to be discouraged by the impossibility of achieving perfection in everything while we were small.

I think my mother was already a modern woman, aspiring to break away from the constraints of perfectionism and societal expectations that burden women with sacrifices.

While we were small kids, as much as she tried, she couldn’t achieve the perfection my grandmother instilled. So, the deeply embedded attitudes continued to torment her, leaving a lingering sense of inadequacy.

Before the birth of my daughter, I felt compelled to free myself from the all-encompassing assumption that women were expected to iron clothes and shoulder the full load of domestic tasks. These ingrained societal expectations and attitudes, I concluded, were harmful to everyone involved.

From Strict Rules to Joyful Chaos

So now, I am more relaxed about housekeeping. I’ve learned to carve out space and prioritize myself because I understand that only when my cup is full and overflowing can I genuinely offer love and patience to my kids and family.

I’ve relaxed strict rules, such as not allowing the kids to jump on the couch, knowing that they are, after all, only kids. I never got to jump on the couch when I was a kid, as order was dominant. But as a mother myself, I’ve chosen a more flexible attitude with my kids.

My anxiety about the appearance and perfection of my home no longer bothers me as much.

Therapy helped a lot, and I have learned that spending time and offering my family connection is more important than a pristine house and a tired-out mother and wife.

Now, I watch my children indulge in innocent joy, even if it means leaping on the sofa while playing “floor is lava”. I take a deep breath, and I appreciate the beauty of flaws.

Wait! You do know what “floor is lava” is, right? If you have kids, there is a high chance it’s familiar with the Skibidi toilet character.

The decision to relax the rules around such activities represents more than just a shift in parenting style; it also represents a conscious effort to break free from the constraints of ingrained ideas.

This newfound freedom has enabled me to create an environment in which love, patience, and connection take precedence above the chase of a spotless home.

I’ve realized that a home full of laughter and warmth far outweighs the fleeting pleasures of nicely ironed clothes and perfectly ordered space, making me a more fulfilled and present mother and wife.

💬Join the conversation! Share your stories of generational wisdom and how they have influenced your life.

📝 Check out the comments section and write about your nuggets of wisdom learned from your parents or grandparents.

📝 Let’s normalize the talk around limiting beliefs and how we can demolish societal and generational barriers around motherhood and womanhood.

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Gabriela is studying to become a full-stack developer while being a mother of three small kids. This requires her to pay for some graduate programs and boot camps to gain experience. She is writing articles on Medium and Substack to inspire others and fund her journey. If you enjoy Gabriela’s articles, Buy her a coffee to support her work.