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Abstract

ing around her.</p><h2 id="3057">5. She’s Endlessly Patient</h2><p id="0ca0">The alpha woman might not be known for her patience, but the delta woman has a surplus of it. She’s not rushing through life in a hurry. She’s savoring it as she goes. The delta woman also extends this patience to others and takes interruptions to her schedule in stride.</p><p id="d267">You won’t find her pacing in a waiting room or pulling a Karen move when she doesn’t get immediate service. She’s perfectly happy to sit with her own thoughts and to wait patiently. She’s not the one who gets attention for asserting her entitlement. She’s the one you didn’t notice in a room because she was patiently waiting rather than making waves.</p><h2 id="ad83">6. She Tends Toward Low Self-Esteem</h2><p id="f969">Even though the delta woman doesn’t require outside validation, she can struggle with low self-esteem. She can be the wallflower, easily overlooked, and it can, at times, undermine her sense of self-worth. She thrives when she surrounds herself with positive, self-motivated support, but she’s susceptible to energy vampires who seek to drain her dry for their own purposes.</p><p id="5d1e">The delta female might not have the confidence of an alpha or sigma, but this doesn’t mean she thinks she has no value. Rather, she sometimes wonder if anyone else sees it. Just because she doesn’t need outside approval doesn’t mean she doesn’t long for outside appreciation.</p><h2 id="0c77">7. She Can Be Conflict-Avoidant</h2><p id="f3b0">The delta woman usually smooths down ruffled feathers with no one the wiser. She’s a natural mediator, but it’s mostly because she’s highly conflict-avoidant. Fights and arguments stress her out, so she’s adapted to avoid them.</p><p id="1c48">This makes her an effortless communicator, but when her usual bag of tricks doesn’t work, she’s unlikely to address an issue directly. She’s more likely to busy herself or to run and hide than to face a problem — or a person with a problem — head on.</p><h2 id="c1da">8. She’s a Worrier</h2><p id="92ac">The delta woman’s naturally caring personality also means that she’s an innate worrier. She thinks and over-thinks because she’s constantly anticipating — and avoiding — conflict in any form. This hypervigilance often pays off when she successfully manages tension within a group, which often reinforces her worrying nature. Even though she claims she wants to be free of the stress of worrying, she also feels like her worrying is rewarded when she thwarts conflict and achieves peace.</p><h2 id="e11d">9. She’s a Nurturer</h2><p id="bac1">You may have noticed that the delta woman in your life has strong nurturing energy. She’s the friend who will bring you soup when you’re sick or water your plants when you’re out of town. She enjoys taking care of others and feeling useful.</p><h2 id="6d77">10. She Stays Focused on Self-Improvement</h2><p id="adbb">A key trait that often goes unnoticed is that the delta woman stays focused on improving herself. She’s aware of her challenges and diligently tries to be a better human being. Sometimes, she fails. What she doesn’t do, and will never do, is stop trying.</p><p id="b4df">Don’t get this twisted. She’s not walking around flinging toxic positivity in every direction. She just looks for ways to keep improving even when it’s tough. Her bounce back after a setback is impressive indeed!</p><h2 id="d60c">11. She’s Shy</h2><p id="10b4">The wallflower delta female isn’t stuck up or judging you. She’s just shy. Her reserve can be misinterpreted. She’s genuinely friendly, but she’s often uncomfortable being the first to initiate contact or a conversation.</p><h2 id="0f40">12. She’s Slow to Commit</h2><p id="238c">The delta woman sounds like a catch, doesn’t she? She’s caring, kind, self-aware, and driven by peace. But that doesn’t mean she’ll be quick to commit. In fact, she will likely move at a snail’s pace just to be sure she’s making the right decision.</p><p id="7ce5">Her slow relationship pace could drive partners crazy, but it just means that she’s taking it seriously. She wants to make sure she can honor her commitments and that the

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relationship is the best fit for her. You can be sure of her loyalty once she finally takes the plunge, but until then, she’ll be slowly going over a pros and cons list without rushing to get to some perceived destination.</p><h2 id="71e6">13. She’s Quiet Unless She Has Something to Say</h2><p id="b9cb">The delta woman doesn’t just talk to hear the sound of her own voice. She’s quiet until she has something important to say. She usually has incredible insights to share if others will pipe down and listen. When she’s not sharing those insights, she’s more likely to fade into the background as an observer until she has something important to contribute.</p><h2 id="bf10">14. She’s Aware of Her Flaws</h2><p id="74a3">Self-awareness is certainly a key trait of the delta woman. She knows she’s not perfect. Luckily, she has no desire to be. She’s aware of each of her flaws, and she doesn’t excuse them. She accepts them even though it undermines her self-esteem at times. Because she combines this self-awareness with a growth mindset, she’s getting better every day.</p><h2 id="a515">15. She’s Loyal to Others</h2><p id="03bf">Her hesitance to commit aside, the delta woman is one of the most loving and loyal. She has a real sense of devotion to the people she loves, and she’ll do almost anything for them. Her loyalty has limits, however. She’s capable of cutting out unhealthy connections and deciding to love them from afar if necessary.</p><h2 id="4a42">16. She’s Incredibly Intelligent</h2><p id="e468">Your studious, shy, and quiet bookworm is likely a delta woman. She’s incredibly intelligent but doesn’t brag about it. She loves deep conversations over small talk, and she constantly soaks up knowledge. She’s not just book smart either. She also has the street smarts to go with it.</p><h1 id="d8cb">A Final Word about the Delta Woman</h1><p id="739e">The delta woman is quiet, smart, and caring. She sometimes worries that she’s not good enough, but that doesn’t stop her from showing up or doing her best. She’s determined to keep getting better.</p><p id="0701">Although the delta woman finds herself at a lower rung on the sociosexual scale, she’s happy just to be included. She doesn’t need to lead. She doesn’t mind following. She just wants to be included, valued, and seen — just like anyone else.</p><div id="1f58" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/to-the-emotionally-unavailable-partner-with-love-16232d9981a3"> <div> <div> <h2>To the Emotionally Unavailable Partner, With Love</h2> <div><h3>It’s time to do the thing you’re most afraid of</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*QmR0vE0MFTU_6Iaj)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="dbe6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/7-things-the-nice-guy-does-that-a-good-man-would-never-do-132f002998d"> <div> <div> <h2>7 Things the “Nice Guy” Does That a Good Man Would Never Do</h2> <div><h3>Louder for the men in the back</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*lKeBjIo0NI9ToGXz)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="e435" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/21-traits-of-a-high-value-man-9c846eca76fe"> <div> <div> <h2>21 Traits of a High-Value Man</h2> <div><h3>How to recognize and appreciate the high-value men in your life.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Zsa568jOV2oJwNHs)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

How My Gay Ass Came Out the Second Time as a Meth Addict

Slammed: a Memoir — Chapter 7 Part 4

I lay on Richard’s bed. I was so fucking tired, but I couldn’t sleep.

Jackson was in jail, Richard was facing charges of possession with intent, the DEA was probably searching my apartment that very moment, and I hadn’t slammed in nearly a week.

Richard was across the room perched on a ladder trying and failing to install a new curtain rod. He was coping with forced sobriety by throwing himself into home improvements.

My withdrawal, on the other hand, would not be ignored.

Withdrawal from Tina wasn’t like withdrawal from alcohol or opiates. There were no chills or fever or vomiting. Hell, that happened often enough when we were on drugs. But the mental withdrawal was its own kind of hell.

It was as if Tina had cut off all circulation to my emotions, like a limb that had fallen asleep. Now with circulation restored, my emotions were all flooding back like thousands of tiny pins overwhelming my undistracted brain. I was completely and totally lost. My entire life had come to revolve around Tina. Now my star had collapsed and I was powerless to escape the crushing black hole left behind.

All I wanted to do was sleep, but my screaming emotions seared away all the problems Tina had distracted me from. Every time I closed my eyes I saw my best friend Jason. I saw Dexter and Laura with whom I had somehow co-founded a theater company. I saw my childhood friend Reid. My brother Jeff. Mom. Dad. I saw all the people who loved me.

Had loved me?

Yeah, had loved me.

How could I blame them since with every unanswered e-mail, unanswered phone call, unanswered text, I had silently told every single one of them to “Fuck off.”

There was no coming back from that, from what I had done, from what I had been doing…was there?

I wanted it all back.

I wanted them all back.

I wanted my life back.

I thrashed about the bed, whimpering, covering my head like I was protecting it from incoming blows.

“Will you cut that shit out,” Richard barked. He was fumbling with the curtain rod trying to place it in the anchored hooks, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. “You’re acting like a lunatic.” He dropped his cigarette. “Fuck.”

“I feel like a lunatic.”

All I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn’t even do that. I wasn’t even deserving of that little bit of release.

I wanted my friends.

I wanted my family.

I wanted their forgiveness.

But I didn’t deserve it.

I couldn’t ask for their forgiveness.

Could I?

I couldn’t tell them what had really been going on.

Right?

I mean…

What did I have to lose?

It stopped.

It all…stopped.

The fear.

The depression.

The panic.

All of it stopped.

I sat still and quiet for the first time in hours.

I had nothing else to lose.

So why not?

Why not ask for forgiveness?

Why not tell them what the fuck had been going on?

It started as a small giggle and quickly became full on laughter.

Richard stood frozen halfway up the ladder, staring at me, holding the new curtains suspended in the air.

Now I really had become a lunatic.

I jumped up and ran to the windows. Windows that had been closed with the blinds drawn for weeks, probably months. I pulled up the blinds and threw the windows open. I was like Ebenezer Scrooge discovering he hadn’t missed Christmas after all.

“What are you doing?” Richard asked, bewildered.

I continued to laugh. “I’m letting the light in!”

I ran to the living room and threw those windows open. Cool April air blew in in scents of blooming flowers and trees, cleansing the apartment of Lysol, bleach, and cigarettes.

Richard followed me into the living room. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

I looked outside at the green grass. It was as if I was seeing the color green for the first time. I was flying high in a sky full of pink clouds.

I looked back at Richard, my face about to burst with my newfound revelation.

“I have to come out again. I have to call everyone up and come out to them. Again!”

Dickie McBuzz Kill immediately scoffed. “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard. What the hell good is that going to do? For anybody? To tell anybody anything? They can’t do shit about it. And your parents? They’re thousands of miles away. Do you know how powerless they’re going to feel?”

Richard had a grown son of his own, though whether he had seen his son the entire time I knew him I couldn’t tell you. This was the first time he spoke as a parent.

“Do you? No you don’t. Fuck. You’re not going to tell anyone. That’s the stupidest…”

Challenge accepted!

I grabbed my phone and stared at him, defiant. “I think I’ll call my mom first.”

“Fuck you, you’re gonna call your mom? Right. I dare you. I fucking dare you to call your mom. Tell her her son’s a junkie. See how proud that makes her.”

I dialed.

“Hello?”

“Hi Mom.”

“Well, hi John!” I could hear the relief in her voice that I had resurfaced.

Richard walked away, leaving me to my confession.

“Mom, you should sit down. I have to tell you something.”

“Ok.”

Quick and fast, like pulling off a Band-Aid “Mom, I’m five days sober after being addicted to crystal methamphetamine for the past year.”

“Oh my.”

My mother was in shock, understandably, but she also isn’t given to histrionics. She quietly and patiently listened as I filled her in on…some…of the relevant details.

“Well, it sounds like you need a hug,” she said. Right at that moment, I turned around to see Richard approaching me, tears in his eyes, as he gave me the very hug I needed.

Like a telemarketer, I went down the list, calling all of my friends who I desperately wanted back into my life. I dropped bomb after bomb, not really paying any mind to how those bombs were landing. I was just so relieved to be talking with my friends again, even if it was about confessing my drug addiction.

Jason and Reid were equally shocked but also happy that I had reemerged, finally giving them an answer about what the fuck had been going on with me over the past year.

It hit Dexter and Laura a bit differently. They were happy to hear from me, but we were only a couple months away from our inaugural summer festival for Springfield Rep. We were about to put up five fully staged productions over six weeks, a feat none of us had ever helmed before. And here I was telling the Casting Director and Artistic Director that I, one of their principal actors, was a drug addict.

“But no need to worry, I’m sober now, and I’m gonna stay that way.”

By the end of the day, I had come out once again to everyone. Though “I’m a drug addict” is admittedly harder to swallow than “I’m gay,” I had successfully reconnected with everyone.

I couldn’t believe it. It began to seem like everything was going to be ok. Like everything could just go back to the ways things were. Perhaps the dark chapter of my life was now over.

It seemed too good to be true.

Next Chapter

Gay Meth Addict gets Threatened When Dealer Makes Bail

Slammed: a Memoir — Chapter 7 Part 5

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Chapter Guide

Slammed: a Memoir

Meth, Theater, and Writing myself Clean — Chapter Guide

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