Summary

The author's dog, Rocky, has inadvertently disrupted their intimate life by persistently securing a spot in the bed and intruding on private moments with his presence and antics.

Abstract

The article "How My Dog Ruined My Sex Life" serves as a humorous cautionary tale for pet owners who allow their dogs to sleep in their bed. The author initially enjoyed the companionship of their dog, Rocky, but the situation deteriorated as Rocky cleverly maneuvered his way from a dog bed in the laundry to the center of the human bed. Despite attempts to reclaim their space, the dog's persistent interruptions, including pawing, barking, and even eye contact during intimate moments, have led to a significant decline in the author's sex life. The author humorously laments the loss of intimacy due to their pet's intrusive behavior.

Opinions

The author expresses a mix of amusement and frustration over their dog's ability to manipulate the situation to his advantage.
There is a sense of resignation as the author describes conceding defeat to the dog's tactics.
The author humorously personifies the dog, attributing to him a deliberate plan to dominate the sleeping arrangements.
The dog's presence is described as both comforting and disruptive, highlighting the complex dynamics of living with a pet.
The author's tone suggests a deep bond with the dog, despite the comedic inconveniences, as they refer to the dog as a "fur baby" and "Man’s Best Friend."

How My Dog Ruined My Sex Life

A caution to all those who let their dogs sleep in their bed

I can feel the intense look in his eyes. Is it disgust? Disappointment?

Arousal?

God no, please, not arousal.

I try to block him out. Concentrate on the moment. On my partner. I feel a paw on my foot. I concede defeat. My dog has won again. He has ruined my sex life.

Having a “fur baby” can be a lot of fun. The feeling of walking in the front door and knowing your dog will be excited to see you, tail wagging and with a smile. The long walks and the game of Fetch in the park. Dogs are a Man’s Best Friend.

But they can also be Man’s Worst Enemy. My dog, Rocky, had a sneaky long-term plan. He started sleeping in a dog bed in the laundry. But through a cunning mix of cuteness — oh look at his adorable face — scratching at the door and long deep guilt-inducing sighs he successfully proceeded through a series of upgrades.

Dog Bed in Laundry.

Dog Bed in Living Room.

Couch in Living Room. (Dog Beds are for Dogs. I’m your little master here to mind fuck you)

Floor of our Bedroom.

And then finally, like one of those fancy bedroom suites on a first-class airline he was now in Seat 1A — smack bang in the middle of the bed. Damn those puppy dog eyes. How did he outwit me like that?

Sleeping with him wasn’t too bad. He provided warmth in winter

The big negative?

When it came to Mummy/Daddy Special Cuddling Time. We tried to work around it. Kicked him out of the room — he would then scratch and bark in disgust. “Let me in. I am YOUR MASTER!”

We tried to work around him on the bed. Imagine playing naked Twister with a dog.

Actually, best you don’t — it’s not a great visual.

Eventually, I just tried to ignore him. Get into the moment with my partner. That’s it, feeling good…wait is he licking my goddam foot?

But the worst..oh the worst.. is when he manoeuvers himself to look deep into my eyes.

To mess with my mind.

What is he thinking — “man — that’s not how you do it — it’s called DOGGY style for a reason!”

His eyes burn through my soul.

Rocky, the cute little pugalier (half pug, half cavalier, all-controlling) has made me celibate.

Rocky — you have ruined my sex life.