How My Dad’s Infidelity Ruined My Childhood

Why you shouldn’t tell your kids that your partner cheated

The impact of affairs on children is often ignored, most parents seem to think that children have no feelings when it comes to infidelity.

Children are resilient, they will bounce back!

That’s often the attitude taken when it comes to infidelity and children. However, research suggests otherwise.

I often jokingly tell my friends about how my family could provide enough drama for a reality television show that would put “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” out of business. The jokes are my way of coping with all the stress that came with being involved in my parents relationship drama. In this story I share just one of the events that occurred in my household, one event that had a ripple effect and changed my life forever.

I was only thirteen when I got a call from my mother informing me that she had just walked in on my father, her husband of thirteen years in bed with another woman. She was crying hysterically and I remember not knowing what on earth to say to make her feel better. At this age I had never had a boyfriend so could not even begin to comprehend how she was feeling.

Words can’t fully describe all the emotions I felt as I heard the news, it felt like my whole world was crumbling. But, for some odd reason I was able to keep my composure so that my younger siblings, who were with me at the time did not become aware of what had just happened. I am my parents first born child so I have often felt responsible for my siblings, this too has often come with a lot of pressures and this was just one example.

Seconds after the call with my mother, my father called me to explain himself and to reassure me that everything would be alright. He was wrong though, my life would never be the same again, it was the beginning of the end of the happy family I had grown up in. As I look back on that day now, as a twenty-five year old woman, that day was the day my childhood ended. Prior to this day I lived in a little bubble, my dad was my everything and like most little girls I dreamt of one day meeting my Prince Charming who would be as great as my dad.

I know that the call my mother made to me on that day was instinctive, I was her friend, maybe her closest friend and when your husband cheats you call a friend. She didn’t have time to stop and think about the effect that that news would have on me as a child. I don’t think she realized that that call would scar me for life, it would change how I perceived my father and men in general. I felt like my father had not only betrayed my mother but the entire family.

Unsurprisingly my mother stayed with my father despite the cheating. It is estimated that 75% of couples that deal with infidelity within the relationship stay together. My mother is a typical christian African woman who believes that divorce is a sin in the Lord’s eyes so there was no way she would leave my father. This is despite the hurt and pain he had caused. She was able to forgive my father and look past the cheating. They rekindled their love and were a happy couple again.

I on the other hand could not forgive, I remembered my mothers tears when she called me to tell me she had caught my father cheating, unlike my mother I could not get over the hurt. No one bought me flowers and chocolates to apologise (not that that would have made everything alright) but no one seemed to remember that I too was hurting, I too had been betrayed.

My parents had involved me in their relationship drama when things were bad but had excluded me from the process of making things better.

I was left bitter, angry and emotionally scarred. I felt like I was part of the out group because I remained angry with my father on behalf of my mother while she managed to heal and move on. Although some parents may want to keep open channels of communication with their children, from experience this is why I think relationship issues involving infidelity are best kept under wraps:

Shame

Although it was my dad that cheated I felt a lot shame. A survey revealed that over 60% of children with a parent that has cheated feel ashamed by their parent’s infidelity. Growing up I felt like my family was weird. Why did I have to have the father that cheated when everybody else’s dad was perfect. The feeling of shame was worsened by the fact that my father continued to cheat (he became a serial cheat even people from my high school knew he was cheating – this is a story for another day). My dad’s infidelity weighed so heavily on me as a result I lost an unhealthy amount of weight. It was a really difficult time for me and I was unable to talk to anyone about it, I felt ashamed.

Built up anger and resentment

I am twenty five now and I still haven't been able to forgive my father for the betrayal. As I have gotten older I am not only angry at my father for cheating but I am also upset with my mother for staying. The anger has not disappeared with age instead I find that it has built up into resentment. Often times I wonder how my relationship with my parents would have turned out had I not been aware of the various relationship problems they had. Ignorance would definitely have been bliss.

I caveat this with the understanding that if I had not heard it from my mother I most certainly would have heard or found out about the cheating at some stage (it became a habit rather than a once off mistake). But, had I never found out about my fathers infidelity I would have been able to build a more loving relationship with my father. As it stands I find it hard to connect with him and I know that it is because I am still angry.

Loss of trust

Knowing about my fathers infidelity has had a detrimental effect on my ability to trust people. I go through life expecting disappointment and even more detrimental is the fact that I expect that my future partner will also cheat on me the same way my father cheated on my mother. Had I not been informed of my fathers infidelity I may have grown up with a different outlook. Like my mom, I often forgive cheating in relationships because for me its the norm. I expect men to cheat. Research shows that children of parents who cheat are more likely to cheat in their adult relationships. This scares me because I do not want to be a bi product of my environment and cause my children the same pain I felt growing up.I am older now and understand that my views on relationships are toxic and a lot of unlearning must happen.

Although I am not a parent as yet, I can definitely say with certainty that a decision to tell your children about infidelity should not be taken lightly. It ruins a child’s perception of love and relationships forever. It is even more complicated when you decide to stay with the partner that cheated because often times you can forgive your partner but the people including your children may not. I would even go as far as saying that even if the infidelity does result in a divorce, details of the infidelity should not be shared with the children. All that comes out of it is resentment, an emotion I believe is detrimental to a child’s emotional development. Parenting is never easy though and I hope that sharing my story offers parents an interesting perspective on how to deal with infidelity and children.