avatarJordan Fraser

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But I learned to forgive. I learned to practise empathy and understand the 7-year-old, I knew she hadn’t intended to hurt Betsy. We never told her that Besty died but I am sure she would have been mortified and filled with remorse for a long time. That idea of empathy, the understanding that people have different values, priorities or ethics and behave in different ways has always helped me to forgive. I did not believe in carrying grudges, life was too short to be resentful.</p><p id="b8f5" type="7">That same idea of empathy and forgiveness was also the reason I stayed in abusive relationships</p><h2 id="1ccb">Abusers use forgiveness against you</h2><p id="ff7a"><i>“You are not being fair, people make mistakes!” “Come on, that was ages ago, have you still not forgiven me?” “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”</i></p><p id="3167">These are some of the things my ex would say when I got upset about his behaviour. When you are in an abusive relationship, the concept of forgiveness can quickly become a weapon the abuser uses to keep you trapped. The idea that you must forgive them is like permission to continue with the abuse. Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with over 2000 abusive men writes:</p><p id="7386" type="7">“My clients demand forgiveness while continuing to insult, threaten, demand immediate responses, attend only to their own needs, and more.” (Why Does He Do That? p. 217)</p><h2 id="f5de">Forgiveness requires remorse</h2><p id="9234">I always thought forgiveness was unconditional. Although I am not religious, I was brought up going to church and reading the bible. The concept of forgiveness I had was influenced by the phrases and sermons I had picked up at a young age. <i>“Bear with each other and <b>forgive</b> one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. <b>Forgive</b> as the Lord forgave you.” </i>I thought it meant that you have to forgive everyone and anyone no matter what they had done. But there is one point I never knew: This idea of forgiveness is based on the assumption that the person I am forgiving shows remorse.</p><p id="c92b" type="7">Overlooked in common Christian understanding of forgiveness is the necessary part of repentance by the wrongdoer. John McKinley</p><p id="d22c">One of the most difficult concepts to understand after <a href="https://readmedium.com/13-signs-i-dated-a-narcissist-44d1db6ee3e4">my relationship with a narcissist</a> was that there are people who are incapable of feelin

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g remorse. He never apologised or cared about what happened to me. When he left, it was as if he had turned off a switch, his new victim was all that mattered and I never existed. Part of me was hoping for a long time that I would receive an apology. But I know that it will not happen. Although I understand now <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-a-narcissist-prepares-you-for-the-abuse-6383e7c92873">how abusive he was</a>, in his mind, he has done nothing wrong. <i>He does not seek forgiveness.</i></p><h2 id="5d37">Forgive yourself</h2><p id="46a4">I don’t think I need to forgive him to lead a happier and healthier life. I do not believe that forgiveness is part of the healing process unless it is directed at myself. <i>Forgiving yourself is key</i>.</p><p id="7171">Forgive yourself for not seeing it, for staying longer than you should have. Forgive yourself for moments you were weak and for moments when you might feel week again. Forgive yourself for ways you have behaved or things you have said. Forgive yourself for all the things you feel remorse over. Forgive yourself for never being able to forgive those that show no remorse.</p><h2 id="2210">More from Kara Summers:</h2><div id="b84b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/do-you-feel-like-you-are-constantly-upsetting-your-partner-b1e9f5fcd6df"> <div> <div> <h2>Do You Feel Like You Are Constantly Upsetting Your Partner?</h2> <div><h3>Make sure you aren’t the one who is the real victim.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*7hsqJBnmFY3IjI7k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="fc43" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-toxic-relationship-ffb487a213ec"> <div> <div> <h2>A Day in the Life of a Toxic Relationship</h2> <div><h3>Many don’t recognise narcissistic abuse when they are caught in the middle.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ul7zBaj8k26PDM4k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

How Much a Cup of Coffee Actually Costs

After you’ve factored in Ghost Money

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

For this story, I’m going to start with a few hypotheticals.

Let’s say that like 64% of Americans, you drink coffee every single day. (I don’t know how anyone gets by without it).

Now let’s say that like many of us, you treat yourself to a coffee shop coffee twice a week. Maybe you start the week with a store bought cappuccino, and end the week with a celebratory mocha.

Speaking very conservatively, you’re spending roughly $10 a week on that coffee. Remember that figure, because in this article we’re going to talk about ghost money.

Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash

Ooooh Spooky

Very simply, ghost money is the money you could have made if you’d invested rather than spent. It’s entirely theoretical potential money.

Like the angels in Doctor Who, ghost money feeds on potential energy. Let’s say you bought government bonds instead of shares in McDonalds this year. If those bonds gained 3% and McDonalds gained 8%, the difference in what you would have made is ghost money.

Let’s go back to the coffee. In this analogy, you put that $10 into two coffees. Now let’s draw this out for 5 years.

What would you have gained from 5 years of coffees? If you’re like me, a faster heartbeat and stained teeth.

Let’s change the hypothetical

Let’s say you weren’t putting $10 a week into coffee, let’s say it was going into the NZ Top 50.

Photo by Dmitry Demidko on Unsplash

Index Funds

Index Funds are a collection of shares from a large number of companies brought together and sold as one neat package. Some are actively managed by professionals (and are more expensive to own), some are passively managed and just try to match the market index. (Those are cheaper).

By buying fractional shares from a huge amount of companies, your risk is spread out. If one company goes down, your money is largely unaffected. Index funds are easy to buy from a large number of financial institutions.

One such institution in New Zealand is Sharsies (they are not endorsing this story and do not know they are being mentioned).

Through them you could have bought into the NZ Top 50, it’s an index fund that is the collection of 50 high performing New Zealand companies brought together.

According to Sharsies website, $10 a week for 5 years equals $2,610. That’s how much cash you contributed.

But how much did you earn?

Judging by how the fund performed over the past 5 years, you would have made a 55% profit. That means your $2,610 would have become $4,048 today.

This my friends is the power of ghost money. And telling people this is why I have no friends.

Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash

So I shouldn’t drink coffee and be miserable?

Absolutely not, drink away.

What ghost money teaches us isn’t to live without, it’s to remember that investment comes first. I don’t recommend investing your coffee money into your index fund, if I did that I’d have killed someone by now.

But definitely invest something. If you’re spending $10 a week on coffee, make sure $15 is going into your investments. This is taking care of yourself and looking after your future.

Next month if you’re looking to blow your entire paycheque on nonsense, stop and ask yourself —

“What kind of ghosts am I about to generate?”

A financial poltergeist is going to be hanging over your head when you’re 70 and can’t retire, unless you act now.

Say no to ghosts. Start investing today.

Investing
Investment
Money
Index Funds
Spending
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