How Men Found Love In 1800s America Was So Awful It’s Funny

Know how men wrote matrimonial ads? “Not deformed” and “must-have teeth” were at the top of the list.

Imagine a world with no women. Everywhere you look, just men. Men in the streets, men in the stores, men in the taverns and theatres. If a man did happen to see a woman in a tavern or theatre, she was a prostitute.

That was early America.

Across the pond, Victorian singles had romantic courtship rituals. Fancy parties, top hats and tails, evening gowns. Chaperones, calling cards and flower posies with hidden messages.

In America? Nuh-uh.

Didn’t work that way.

First, there were hardly any women.

And the few that were there didn’t go out alone. Only prostitutes went out alone. “Good” girls didn’t go out in public on their own. Plus, men didn’t have a social circle of aunts and friends to introduce them to single ladies, even if there had been any.

For most men, just seeing a lady was an occasion.

“I have had men come 40 miles over the mountains just to look at me. And I’m not much to look at…” said a young bride in the 1800s. (source: My Heritage)

Lonely hearts were not necessarily romantic…

In February, 1759, a young man walked into the Boston newspaper office and placed an ad. It ran in the Boston Evening post, and said:

That ad was the first marriage ad in an American newspaper.

Men writing ads to find a wife became a thing.

Some men even bought ads in multiple papers, including “back home” hoping some woman would travel to America if she was guaranteed a husband at the end of her journey.

In the early days, men weren’t too fussy.

“So anxious are our settlers for wives that they never ask a single lady her age. All they require is teeth,” said a newspaper journalist in 1830s Iowa (source)

Here’s what “not fussy” looked like…

Seems to me more men were concerned with what a woman “isn’t” than what she is. You’ll see what I mean…brace yourself. lol

1. No dancers, flirts or streetwalkers!

This guy isn’t fussy. He’s happy to rescue a poor working girl, as long as she’s not working the streets, of course. Doesn’t care what she looks like, though, as long as she doesn’t dance or flirt and is Protestant.

• I am 27, employed by the government, have small but reasonable salary, will make some poor working girl, from 18–25, a good husband and a happy home; must be Protestant; no dancers, flirts, or streetwalkers need answer, object matrimony

2. Jilted old bachelor just wants to be loved.

Poor guy was off working in the mines and came back to find his sweetheart married someone else. He doesn’t care about nothing. Just wants a woman. Lord knows what age he is. He forgot to say. (Minnesota Tribune)

• An old bachelor returning from the mines finds his old sweetheart married and old acquaintances scattered, desired lady acquaintance; object, marriage

3. Seeking woman under 40, not deformed, and rich!

Wow, a whack of words to say nothing. Well, except under 40, not deformed and she must have 1000 pounds. To put that in perspective, the average salary in Britain at the time was 50 pounds a year.

• A young gentleman of family and fortune, who is lately come to town, having little acquaintance with the ladies, and being desirous of engaging in the hoy and happy state of matrimony, presents his most serious respects to any lady, either maid or widow, who has surmounted the prejudices against an address similar to the present, and has the resolution nobly to meet the party half way. The gentleman in question is not above two and twenty, tall, stout, and esteemed agreeable in his person. It is expected the lady should be under 40, not deformed, and in possession of at least one thousand pounds.

4. A chance for spinsters!!! Lmao…

This fella doesn’t care what she looks like, or even her age. Just wants her to know up front he doesn’t want no more kids, just needs someone to look after the pigs. And the kids. Cause his wife been dead a whole year now and he’s a laborer and freaking exhausted. lol

• My family is as follows: — the eldest boy is 13 years old , the younger boy 5 years, and a girl 8 years old. My house is my own, and I have no rent to pay. I have an acre of potatoes, half blues and half whites, this year. My wife has been dead 13 months’ ago, last Shroton fair; the children live with themselves in the day time but I am always at home with them at night. I do think that it would be better if there was a woman to look after them, both for the children and myself. I have got 8 shillings a week for my work, and the boy 2 shillings a week, and have constant employ. I want a good and steady woman between 30 and 40 years old, for a wife. I do not want a second family. I want a woman to look after the pigs while I am out at work.” (July, 1832)

5. Old guy, no kids, doesn’t want any

This guy doesn’t care about much. Woman over 50 with no kids. Some money would be nice. But if you want a companion and a nice home, he’s your man. And don’t you trifle with his heart.

• Refined gentleman, unencumbered and means would like to hear from unencumbered lady with some means around 50 years old that would appreciate a companion and pleasant home, object matrimony. City or country. Triflers and general delivery please do not answer

These guys? Hoo-boy. They be fussy!

I’d like to think no one replied. But they probably did. Because women didn’t have many options. Heck, they couldn’t even have a bank account if a man didn’t sign for it. Daddies didn’t live forever.

6. Seeking wife and business woman. Stylish, but plain!

God, I don’t know where to start with this guy. lol. How many “refined” women in 1921 were a stenographer, typist, and insurance broker that wanted to run someone’s business and do all the housecleaning?

A business gentleman, true American, industrious and of ambition, age 47, height 5'9.5", weight 150 lbs., Christian, believes in God, of good health and clean habits, lover of home, good character, business and college education, of some means and refinement, desires to meet a single or widow lady of some means and of refinement and Christian, age 33-43, weight 125-145 lbs., height 5’4" to 5'7", stylish and of neat appearance but plain, loves music and can play a little who knows something about the essentials of home making enough for two, to whom has had experiences in business routine, stenographer, typist and bookkeeper, good penman in general insurance and brokerage business preferred to for a home in near future where happiness and love is bound to reign: object matrimony. Triflers ignored. Pittsburgh Press, September 11, 1921.

7. No lantern jawed woman. Preferably slow.

This guy wants pleasant eyes looking out of her head. I’m not sure where else eyes look out from? Also not sure if he means slow as in she don’t move too fast, or the other kind of slow. And can someone tell me what the heck a lantern-jawed woman is? Christ. lol.

• 40-year-old Massachusetts farmer looking for a woman with dark flowing hair, a little mite curly, dimples on her cheeks, mild, gentle, slow, with pleasant eyes looking out of her head. I don’t want a glass-eyed or lantern-jawed woman, one that is as cross as blazes and gads about, gossiping and making mischief all over town. (Peter Cowler, MA, 1850)

8. Auburn hair might be okay!

Nothing matters to this one except what she looks like. Plus, her teeth have to be regular, perfect and genuine. Go figure. A guy that’s not into blondes.

• Seeking a lady, weight between 100 and 135 pounds; height, between five feet and five feet six inches; teeth regular, perfect and genuine… black hair and eyes preferred, though blue eyes and auburn hair might be acceptable.

9. He’ll wear a wig if she doesn’t like bald guys

Wow. He starts with all the status dropping and then says she need to have a fortune or some other way to provide for herself. Um, so why does she need this guy again? He didn’t even mention if she gets to pick the wig. lol

• A middle aged gentleman, of forty, (whose family includes one earl, two baronets, one bishop and a dozen beneficed clergymen), possessing a small fortune of one thousand pounds, also a university and medical education, with the accomplishment of music (which he also composes), wishes most ardently to meet with a lady who would accept the entire devotion of his hand and heart. The lady’s age under fifty, with the education and manners of a gentlewoman, and either a fortune or industry sufficient for her support — N.B. He is bald, but will wear a wig of the lady wishes.

This guy would have broken the internet if there’s been one when he placed this ad in 1865

10. He knows exactly what’s the matter with him…

This. Guy. Believes in Andy Johnson, the star spangled banner and the 4th of July. Worked his butt off on his land and knows what he wants. He wants to get married. Wants to buy bread and butter, hoop skirts and waterfalls for someone. That’s what’s the matter with him. Eighteen. He was 18.

Damn! I hope he found all of that and more. I hope he found joy.

“I am eighteen years old, have a good set of teeth, and believe in Andy Johnson, the star-spangled banner, and the 4th of July. I have taken up a State lot, cleared up eighteen acres last year, and seeded 10 of it down. My buckwheat looks first-rate, and the oats and potatoes are bully. I have got 9 sheep, a 2-year-old bull, and 2 heifers, besides a house and a barn. I want to get married. I want to buy bread-and-butter, hoop-skirts, and waterfalls for some person of the female persuasion during life. That’s what’s the matter with me. But I don’t know how to do it.”

Those crazy ads brought women to America

In the early days of the settlers, women were scarce in America. In 1850, there were 200 men for every woman in California. The rest of the 13 colonies weren’t much better. Men would marry whoever would have them.

Those crazy ads brought women to America.

By 1910, there were 95 women for every 100 men in America.

Did the ads fizzle out and disappear?

Not a chance. They became even more popular. Entire publications and periodicals were devoted to helping singles find each other. Women and men both placed ads and scoured ads, looking for that perfect match.

I’d like to say men, as a whole, got better at writing personal ads. But I’d be lying if I said that. Maybe a few. But mostly? Nah. They didn’t. lol.

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Resources

— No dancers, flirts, or street-walkers need answer — Century-old personal ads from My Heritage — How the first personal ads evolved into Tinder — Jamestown Colony Placed Ads to Attract Brides — History’s Funniest Lonely Hearts Ads