If you don’t know what CBF stands for just google it. I CBF.

How Many CBF Moments Are You Really Allowed Each Day?

It’s less than you think.

As much as I can, I live life trying to be a better human. I don't want to be a do-gooder, but I want to do good, you know? I want to make a positive difference in other people's lives. In our planet's.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't want to be an arsehole.

But there are days when the right thing is staring me in the face, and I just can't be fucked doing it. I'm not perfect, alright?

I know, I know, 24 hours is probably long enough for my grandma to be tied to the clothesline for mixing the whites with the colours. But it's raining right now. I'm not going out in that!

And yes, I probably could have stopped pouring at one bag of dry cement. But my boss drives a Range Rover, and they have really large fuel tanks, and my funnel was working oh, so beautifully.

Like my (now incarcerated) mentor always said:

Doing a bad deed half-arsed is worse than not doing a bad deed at all.

We all deserve a little slack. How much is the question. Not enough, and the world will be filled with highly strung stress heads.

Too much, and I might end up with an extra grandma on my clothesline.

I have devised this handy little guide on how many CBF moments (CBFMs) you are entitled to each day.

1. Do you care for little children or the elderly?

If yes, give yourself an extra five CBFMs each day.

If you classify any of these dependents as 'annoying,' throw in another two.

If they are unable to successfully put on a load of washing, have one more.

2. Does your work involve radioactive material, and/or explosives?

Minus five CBFMs from your day.

If you have yet to complete your training in these fields, or have received on your annual performance appraisal, recommended for further psychological evaluation, minus another five.

3. Have you previously been awarded a Nobel prize?

Give yourself another ten CBFMs each day.

Except if your prize was in physics, in which case you can minus ten CBFMs.

I'm still waiting for my damn hoverboard.

4. Do you own a fraudulent disability sticker?

Minus twenty CBFMs.

Unless you are using it to access medical marijuana. Respect.

5. At any point in your workday, are you responsible for pressing/not pressing a red button?

If yes, minus every CBFM you ever thought possible.

Unless you are an elevator operator, in which case go for gold.

6. Is your boss a fuckwit?

If yes, give yourself another five CBFMs.

Except if you're a red button pressor. Even having the orange ignoramus for a boss can't justify those CBFMs for you I'm afraid.

7. Do you carry a concealed or unconcealed weapon?

If your concealed weapon is a gun, minus twenty CBFMs.

If your unconcealed weapon is due to an undone fly, you're probably maxing out your CBFMs already. And your steroids, by the looks of those peanuts.

If your concealed weapon is an ICBM, IDFK.

8. Are you the CEO of a medium sized publishing corporation who treats its writers like used tampons and calls them disingenuous hacks undeserving of even the shrapnel found underneath a used horse stall mat?

If yes, have you received basic training in open disclosure, transparency, tact, empathy and how to behave like a regular human being (never mind a better one)?

If no, don't worry, you've got an unlimited supply of CBFMs.

Everyone really, really loves you!

Thanks for reading. If you have five more cents of your time available, I recommend this one by Carlo Zeno.