Summary

The article discusses how low self-esteem can paradoxically serve as a protective mechanism or strategy to meet certain human needs, despite its negative connotations.

Abstract

The author argues that low self-esteem, often perceived as a negative trait, can serve underlying purposes in an individual's life. It is suggested that all human behavior, including those driven by low self-esteem, aims to meet fundamental needs or provide self-protection. The article emphasizes that self-esteem is not necessarily tied to objective measures of success or attractiveness. Instead, it posits that even dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors, such as those associated with low self-esteem, fulfill functions like garnering attention, affection, and a sense of belonging. The piece outlines a comprehensive list of human needs, including physical wellbeing, safety, connection, acceptance, and self-love, and explains how low self-esteem might be a misguided attempt to satisfy these needs. The author also shares personal anecdotes and observations from professional experience to illustrate how individuals may subconsciously adopt low self-esteem as a coping strategy to navigate through life's challenges and relationships.

Opinions

The author believes that self-esteem is subjective and not solely determined by external success or attractiveness.
It is conveyed that behaviors stemming from low self-esteem can lead to positive reinforcement from others, such as encouragement and support.
The article suggests that low self-esteem can be a learned response to early life experiences, particularly in individuals who have faced abuse or neglect.
The author opines that low self-esteem serves as a form of psychological armor, protecting individuals from the perceived risks of rejection and the uncertainties of human interaction.
It is proposed that understanding how low self-esteem serves an individual can be the first step in developing healthier strategies to meet one's needs and improve self-worth.
The author implies that replacing low self-esteem with more positive self-perceptions requires recognizing and addressing the underlying needs it fulfills.

How Low Self-Esteem is Really Serving Your Life’s Purpose

Even dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors serve us somehow

As far as I can tell, all human behavior serves one of two purposes: meeting your needs or protecting yourself.

I know intelligent, attractive, highly successful people with low self-esteem. I’ve also met a few scumbags with very high self-esteem. So I must conclude that self-esteem has very little basis in objective reality.

We could all benefit from not judging ourselves as bad, wrong, or dysfunctional and instead ask the question, How is this belief or behavior serving me?

Even the word dysfunctional itself is a misnomer.

I assure you that the behavior you’re using that word to describe is definitely serving a function.

Needs For Optimum Health and Wellbeing

It’s astonishing how few people even know what their needs are.

Most folks can come up with stuff like food, water, warmth, and air. But unless you’re a f**king houseplant, that’s not gonna cut it.

Humans are complicated, social creatures with various physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. Here is a basic list:

Physical Wellbeing
Safety and Security
Connection and Belonging
Acceptance and Validation
Attention, Affection, and Appreciation
Freedom, Autonomy, and Agency
Space and Privacy
Peace and Solitude
Self-Love and Self-Care
Purpose and Progress
Honesty and Authenticity
Play and Joyfulness

When any of these needs go unattended for long, you definitely feel it.

In fact, that’s the whole reason feelings exist. They are vital biofeedback about the quality of your self-care, and ultimately, your survival.

When your needs are satisfied, you feel fantastic. Living with unmet needs, you’re likely to experience anxiety, depression, resentment, or just be a cranky shithead in general.

But let’s investigate how low self-esteem can contribute to getting these needs met.

Low Self-Esteem for the Win!

If you regard yourself as highly as a wet gym sock with a hole in it, other people tend to take notice.

Maybe you’re shy, insecure, anxious, unconfident, self-doubting, self-pitying, self-deprecating, self-sabotaging, or self-loathing.

When you put out doodoo vibes, at least some of the people in your life are likely to respond positively with things like:

Oh, don’t say that about yourself. You can do this. You’re totally capable. I feel that way sometimes too. We can do it together if you want. Here, let me help.

Connection, belonging, acceptance, validation, attention, affection, safety, security — in the bag!

And let’s not overlook the love and care of another that we can use as synthetic substitutes for self-love and self-care.

Man, who knew that feeling bad could feel so good?

More Than a Feeling

It’s kind of like the kid who is completely invisible to his parents and siblings unless he’s sick, in which case, he gets all of his needs met.

This child may learn to play up his injuries and illnesses, and in some cases, may literally become chronically ill in an attempt to be seen, heard, loved, and nurtured.

I have seen this behavior time and time again in my many years of working with adolescents. I know someone who faked being paralyzed for several months. Another kid appeared to actually be paralyzed with chronic pain, GI problems, and allergic reactions with zero medical explanation. It was uncanny.

Hell, I had a physically and emotionally unavailable father and two abusive older brothers, and I felt like a worthless piece of shit until I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of eight.

I got a two-week vacation in the hospital, surrounded by nurses and doctors to take care of me and bring me food.

Friends and family came to visit with flowers and gifts. Even my dad came to see me. Just me and no one else.

My dad came to see me — something that may not have happened before or since.

Nobody was ignoring, shaming, harassing, or abusing me.

And even though it was traumatic to be hospitalized with a blood sugar of 711, then crashing to 22, feeling awful, being poked and prodded during all hours of the day and night, collecting countless blood and urine samples, and generally not knowing if I was gonna make it through another day, it was a f**king upgrade as far as I’m concerned.

Was that a purely medical diagnosis? Was it genetic? An autoimmune response to a viral infection? A coincidence?

We don’t really know. But it sure makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Low Self-Esteem Plated Armor

Ok, so safety and protection are also human needs, but I like to put them in a separate category.

Many of our needs are about receiving or experiencing something positive, whereas safety and protection are more about not experiencing something negative or losing access to our needs that are currently satisfied.

Low self-esteem often tells you, you don’t deserve that job, that relationship, that success, that joy. So wait, how the hell is this helping?

Well, if you don’t apply for that job, you won’t have to contend with rejection, which feels like a loss of connection, belonging, acceptance, validation, safety, security, attention, affection, and purpose.

Rejection in a relationship can feel the same way, including a threat to your authenticity and joy. Virginia Satir said,

People prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty.

All animals have a strong need for certainty (security). And humans are just animals with more needs, bigger egos, and a wider range of perceived threats. Being human is harder than it looks.

Many learn at an early age, in an abusive or neglectful relationship with their parents, that relationships are not safe. People can’t be trusted to meet their needs in healthy and appropriate ways.

They learn it’s best to not let anyone get too close. They adapt for survival, develop vulnerability avoidance tactics, and discover ways to get their needs met from a safe distance.

Low self-esteem is an excellent adaptation for minimizing the risks of human interaction.

So How is Low Self-Esteem Serving You?

I encourage you to look at any situation in your life where low self-esteem is rearing its ugly head.

Consider the above list of human needs and ask yourself the uncomfortable question. How is this meeting my needs or protecting me? Write down what comes up.

If you can get to the root of that question, you can learn to meet those needs and protect yourself in healthier ways.

But as long as low self-esteem is your best strategy, it’ll follow you to the grave.

The only way to eliminate low self-esteem is to replace it with something better that serves the same function.

Adam Murauskas is a relationship coach and writer. He and his wife Rebecca abandoned their careers and moved to Panamá in 2019 to pursue passions for helping people heal. Take a free relationship quiz at FixYourPicker.com or see Instagram @fixyourpicker for daily microblogs.