How Lasting Friendships Have Changed My Life (Keep Your Head Up by Ben Howard)
I saw a friend of mine the other day and he told me that my eyes were gleaming. I said I’ve been away and he knew the depth I was meaning… To feel the warmth of his smile when he said “I’m happy to have you home”.
I have had a really difficult last couple of years. I have experienced divorce, my mom dying of cancer, and just generally figuring out who I even am. Things have felt heavy for a long time and I had a tendency to self-isolate for years. Since moving out on my own for the first time in my life, I’ve gotten to experience how rich my social life and friendships can be.
I’ve learned to let others in and to sit through the discomfort that comes along with allowing others to love me. For a long time I felt unlovable and irredeemable. I felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. This was the kind of messaging I received my whole life as someone who had undiagnosed autism and who didn’t fit in the standards of Christianity. I was labeled a “problem” from a very young age.
Today, I got to catch up with some old friends that I used to work with. Friends who have known me throughout all of my struggles and self discoveries these last few years. One of my friends told me that he really missed my laugh and that made my heart fill up with joy. For the longest time, I didn’t realize that I could have a positive impact on others. I thought that I was some kind of tornado that ruined every relationship I touched. I have experienced so much loss from moving around so much, cutting off toxic family members, and even to death itself.
One day at a time, I am embracing that I am worthy and deserving of love. Reprocessing old beliefs isn’t always easy and I can still get down on myself at times. I am really grateful that I have friends who remind me of my worthiness of being loved; that I don’t have to be “perfect” to be cared for. These reminders help me to start to set a standard of care for myself in my relationships.
My friendships have shown me that I am worthy of love, even when I couldn’t see it myself. The friends that I have made who check in on me and make time for me are the reason that I am even alive today.
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