How I’ve Succeeded in Having a Healthy Relationship as a Survivor

My body and my mind are constantly at war.

Trigger Warning: this article contains descriptions of sexual assault, trauma, and addicition that may not be suitable for all readers. Fearless community, please read with care.

As a survivor of multiple sexual assaults, recovering from trauma will always be a part of my life. This has never been more apparent to me than right now, three years sober from substance abuse and in the first long-term relationship of my life.

Before this, every romantic experience I’ve had was volatile, unpredictable, and short-lived. Oftentimes, my drug and alcohol abuse was intertwined with the people I dated. Many of these experiences were a way for me to further bury my sexual trauma or even make it worse by setting no boundaries with the person I was with.

When I got sober, I spent my time and energy healing myself, which was what I had needed for years. This resulted in me being single for 3 years until I met my current partner.

How I’ve Navigated a Relationship as a Sexual Assault Survivor

I experienced a sexual assault at the age of 7 that permanently damaged the way I see myself, the world, and others. It left me feeling in a constant state of danger. I experienced panic attacks, nightmares, and the cold isolation of depression. I eventually learned that these were symptoms of PTSD caused by childhood sexual assault.

Years later, in my early 20s, I was assaulted while I was unconscious from drugs and alcohol by someone I thought I could trust. Having done absolutely no work on the damage that happened when I was young, experiencing assault again cemented a lifelong feeling of fear, anger, and self-hatred.

Healing the Wounds of Trauma

When I got sober in 2017, it was my first chance at even talking out loud to another human being about surviving sexual trauma. I had worked with the same therapist for years up to that point, and I owe it to that incredible person for guiding me through the pain of working through the trauma all while releasing my attachment to substances that numbed my pain.

I was able to get diagnosed with PTSD and was prescribed medication that stopped the night terrors. I was sleeping through the night for the first time in my life and felt healthier and happier than I ever had.

The Challenges of New Relationship with Sexual Trauma

Flash forward three years to the moment I met my current partner. I always thought ‘love at first sight’ was a ridiculous myth, but I can truly say from the moment I met my partner, I was head over heels.

The longest relationship I’d ever had up to that point had been a little over 6 months long and full of conflict. This was the first time I had ever experienced laying the foundation of a healthy relationship. I was getting to know her slowly, building trust, and enjoying every sweet moment that went by.

Right off the bat, our sexual chemistry was incredible. Along with the hours-long sex marathons we had, there were also moments that concerned both my partner and myself.

Learning How to Feel Safe with Someone New

One of the first issues that came up between us involved my trauma around sex and how difficult it was for me to feel safe in any sexual situation. I struggled with sleeping in the same bed with anyone else, since the assault that had happened a few years ago happened when I was unconscious in bed with someone I was in a relationship with.

There were times where I was not in a good place mentally, and having a lot of symptoms that were markers of PTSD. One of the biggest issues that developed from my traumatic past is the inability to say no. If my partner initiated sex and I didn’t want to have sex, I would freeze up and dissociate, which I later learned was a survival mechanism that developed in reaction to being sexually assaulted.

Luckily, my partner is extremely perceptive and empathetic, and she noticed immediately that something was wrong. We were able to stop and communicate through the issue. Other times, I experienced a panic attack, which was terrifying for both of us.

This led me to seek out a therapist to work with since I moved and was no longer able to see my previous therapist. One of the main things I work on with my new therapist is how to set boundaries in a healthy way for both myself and my partner.

Learning to Speak a New Love Language

When I first heard about love languages, I thought it was a silly concept. Now I know that understanding the love languages is essential to happy, healthy, and long relationships.

I learned pretty quickly that my girlfriend’s love language is physical touch. When I began doing boundary work with my therapist, I learned the importance of telling my partner when I did not feel in a good place to have sex.

Because physical intimacy was so important to her, when I set these boundaries, she would sometimes feel rejected, hurt, and unloved. It took time but eventually learned if I paid special attention to her with other forms of physical touch, like snuggling, back rubs, and brushing hair, it helped her feel loved without having sex.

A combination of navigating her love language and strong communication helped us move past this issue. I now feel much more comfortable setting healthy boundaries and communicate when I don’t want to have sex.

The Myth of Lesbian Bed Death

If you are a queer woman, you’re likely familiar with the term ‘lesbian bed death’. The concept was named in 1983, and the idea behind it is just as outdated as you may think. The original proposal suggested that lesbian couples have the highest rate of reduced intimacy in long-term relationships.

The truth is, lack of intimacy over time is something that happens to straight couples just as much as queer ones. The danger of blanket terminology like this is that it places pressure and expectations on couples' common issues.

The majority of the relationships I’ve been in have been with women, and in my experience, the fear of the dreaded ‘lesbian bed death’ looms over every dry spell.

Since the misalignment of our sexual desires became a recurring issue between us, I began to track our daily sexual interactions. We still have double the amount of sex than average couples at the 1-year point in their relationship, but I also noticed another important aspect of our dynamic.

Since my partner and I are both women, we both experience periods and therefore hormonal fluctuations. The gaps in our intimacy aligned with the few days right before and at the very beginning of our periods, where symptoms like back pain, cramps, and fatigue were at their peak. Anyone who has experienced menstruation can confirm that one doesn’t always feel their best during that time.

This information validated the fact that although I do struggle with some sexual issues related to my trauma, my partner and I were still doing our best to communicate and fulfill each other’s needs without crossing each other’s boundaries.

Setting Boundaries with Love

When it comes to navigating the complex layers of pain that come with being a sexual assault survivor, constant work and patience are required. Both the survivor and the partner of the survivor must be willing to put in the work to have a healthy relationship.

Every day I’m learning. I feel so much gratitude towards my partner’s patience, love, and understanding. I have faith that with continued communication and inner work, our love and sexual chemistry will thrive.