FATHER OF SEVEN

How I’ve Failed At Fatherhood

8 Ways I Intend To Be A Better Dad

I am a father. The best role a man could ever hope to have, aside from being a husband, is to be a father.

I have seven children ranging from sixteen to four years old (when this literary work was published.)

It’s hard being a “dad”. Yes, I’m struggling. This is my story.

My Story

Fatherhood has brought me some of life’s sweetest joys. The miraculous birth of each child, the hilarious toddler stages, the blossoming of their individual personalities, their development into pre-adulthood where conversations turn to more advanced concepts, and sharing all of this with an amazing woman, my wife Sarah.

We love our children. Each one is so precious to my wife and I.

And even though being a father has had its grand moments, it has also caused me to experience some of the most poignant emotions I’ve ever known. Fatherhood has brought me to the doors of one of life’s emptiest places, hopelessness. Here’s why.

In those moments when I could have been spending time with my children, I’ve been in front of my computer, working late, mentally disconnected, or busy trying to build a better life for them, yet missing out on things like the Friday night movie or hikes in the mountains.

Lost and gone are all of those “should have been” moments together.

Here’s the painful part. Time. It never stops. It moves so fast. It can never be reclaimed. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

I’ve been selfish with my time all these years. Sometimes, I’ve had to remind myself that I am even a “dad” and not just a guy trying to advance in my career or feel fulfilled through hobbies.

It’s all so confusing. You spend more time at work to generate more money to create a better lifestyle. All the while, your family is upset at you for being gone and you loose connection with those you love most.

The years just slip away like sand between my fingers.

Knowing that I can’t reclaim the lost time causes the deepest of frustration and robs me of the emotional energy I need to keep trying.

I feel like I can’t ever make it all up. It seems like it’s unavoidably too late. I just want to give up and stop trying.

It’s Never Too Late

As hard as it is to say these words, they are true. “It’s never too late to keep trying.” It never has been and it never will be.

That felt good, right, reading those words?! It felt good writing them. Read them again. Say them out loud even.

“It’s never too late to keep trying.”

Although it’s too late to get back what has been lost, it’s not too late to keep trying to do better. For that, I am grateful. Ever so grateful.

The Real Failure

The only way to fail now is to give up. So, let’s not give up, you and I.

I don’t want to be a failure to my children. I’m sure you don’t either.

We care about this problem in our lives, don’t we? Doing something about it is second best to doing it right the first time.

Time keeps moving. Let’s start now. But where to start?

Relationships

In an effort to motivate myself and others, I’d like to focus on exploring ways to increase the bond between father and child.

I’m not a doctor, psychologist, licensed professional, educator, or therapist….I’m a dad, a father of seven amazing children and have been for many years.

This makes me qualified to recommend a few simple ways that, if applied, could improve your relationship with you and child, TODAY.

It’s starts with connecting with them, one day at a time.

Connect With Them

The key to making things better is to find genuine ways to connect with your child, you as their father.

It will take work. Fatherhood is a labor of love. They deserve your very best.

The most important form of work will be your customized application of love in individually meaningful ways for each child.

Here are four tips on how to better connect with the child you love. Strive to apply these tips in ways unique to each child.

Tip #1: Communicate With Them

There are moments during the day when, as fathers, we can connect with our children. Most of the time it involves communication. Here are some ideas to consider.

Idea #1: Call them. Give them a call on their phone or the house phone. Be spontaneous. Say hello. Ask them what they are up to right now. Tell them what you’re presently engaged in doing. Perhaps keep it short. Say “I love you” and that you were thinking about them.

Idea #2: Text them. Send them a simple message. A thought you had. A question. Something you think they would be interested in. Even an emoji can go a long way.

Idea #3: Email them. Send them an email if they have an account. Send a question about how their day is going, a link to something “cool”, or a few lines of loving encouragement.

Idea #4: Talk to them. Mentally make a point to go out of your way, find them somewhere in the house, and spend a few minutes with them. Sometimes, they won’t be in the mood. Sometimes, just because you’re there at the right time, dialogue will happen. The point is to be there for those fortunate moments.

Idea #5: Find a way to make them laugh. How? You know your child best. Do something funny. Tell them a good ole’ “Dad Joke”. Be down-to-earth, human. Maybe mention some funny family memory, a quote from a movie, or simply smile. Life is fun…and funny. Share the funny parts with them.

Idea #6: Tell them a memory of when you were their age. Let them know you were a kid too. Tell them about some really neat things that have happened in your past. Sometimes, they may be interested in places you’ve been, crazy experiences, “I can’t believe I got out alive” moments, or things that would help broaden their understanding about life and the world around them.

Being there often will ensure better trust and will help to close what ever gaps might exist between you. Another great way to connect with your children is by intentionally including them in your daily living.

Tip #2: Include Them

I once heard a story about a father who was an avid oil painter. On occasion his son would visit him during one of his painting sessions. The little boy would tip toe to his father’s side and quietly ask, “Daddy, can I paint too.” The boys father would say, “Yes son, go ahead.” The father would carefully observe while his son would pick up a paint brush, dab it into a pile of gooey paint, then spread the paint over a small portion of the canvas. After a few minutes the boy would set the paint brush down, give his father a hug, then skip out of the room and down the hall, his little heart filled to the brim.

All the child wanted to do was to do what “daddy” was doing. The father would then clean the brush his son had just used, pick up his own paint brush, and would simply paint over where his son had painted moments ago. Then he continued on with his work.

The father knew he could always repaint over the areas where he let his son’s imagination run wild for a few moments. He knew it was more important to allow his son to connect with him than it was to shew him out of the roam.

This story has always been a profound reminder of how a loving father was so devoted to his son.

I often have children run out to my car right before I’m going to leave and say, “Where are you going dad?” “To the store to pick up some things for dinner,” I might say. Then they say, “Can I come?” More often than not I say yes because I want my children with me. I never want them to feel like they are a burden or like I don’t want them around.

Another way to include them is to tell them details about what you did that day. Don’t ever dumb down the details, at least, not at first. Talk to your four year old like he or she is an adult. Explain what things mean, like, what a meeting is or compare your kind of project to their kind of project. Let them know what you do when you are away from home.

Tip #3: Play With Them

Some of the most precious memories I have is when I spend time and play with my children. Find out what they’ll like to do and ask them if you can do it with them. As a father, sometimes this is challenging. Doing things they like but you don’t, that can sometimes be the case. However, it means something that you’re with them. There are many ways to play. Here are a few ideas:

Idea #1: Do what they do and let them lead. Imagine if you were the child and your Dad came to play with you. He asks you what you want to do? You tell him and explain how the game works. He picks up some toys and before long, you’re playing a wonderful game and having so much fun. This isn’t teaching time. This is time to be a companion, to be on their level. Let them lead.

Idea #2: Participate in physical activity together. Being active with your child builds different bonds. Running, biking, sports activities, these can all create bonds around being active and healthy and could create healthy habits for your child where you’ve acted as an example.

Tip #4: Work Beside Them

In our home, we have chores. I share my chore with one of my younger daughters. My wife shares a chore with one of our younger sons. This has been a unique way to build that relationship with them as we have worked together to accomplish a task, the after dinner chores.

Just today I was going through all of our bicycles, tightening brakes, pumping up tires, and washing frames. My oldest son came out to help me. We worked together to get one particular bikes brakes just right. It gave us time to chat and allowed me to show my trust in him as he practiced his decision making skills.

Later, my oldest daughter came out and said, “Dad, can I help wash the bikes?” I said, “Sure.” I allowed her to do what she wanted her way. We had a good talk as we washed her little sister’s bike together. I loved having this time with my children.

We also try to keep a constant rule of weeding for 15 minutes a day before playing. What if you as a parent had this same rule and you said to one our your children, “Hey, lets go weed together?” Wouldn’t that be a memorable, bonding experience.

While You’re Connecting

During those times when you are engaged with your children, opportunities to further strengthen your relationship with them will surface. Seize those opportunities.

The following are four tips that you can use while connecting with your child and learning more about their individual needs.

Tip #1: Listen To Them

For smaller children, getting down on their level, eye to eye, is so important. They will know you are listening because usually you’re towering over them. In general, listening, showing verbal and non-verbal cues that you are listening is key. Remaining still and looking them in the eyes, this will bolster their confidence and brighten their day. Stay to listen to them as long as you feel you need in order to continue to build trust between you and your child.

Sometimes, postponing input or responses to what they say until later will work miracles in their willingness to come to you in the future to talk about their feelings. Also, think about why they are saying what they are saying. Many times there will be underline indicators and reasons that won’t be picked up unless you are cognitively thinking and analyzing…while you listen, of course. Are they tired, hungry, upset with themselves? What’s the real issue? These are questions to think about while listening.

Older children, pre-teen and teenagers, they need their space. However, they’ll have moments of “unloading” on you and their intensity may be heightened. The topics they discuss can be more serious at times.

This will be a good time to just listen. Hear them. As time passes, they may be open to your advice. Help them to understand that you’d like to help them and the that you are always a team. Listening, as a father, as teenagers share their feelings is crucial. This is when emotions are like a theme park roller coaster. They will thank you for years to come if you can learn to really listen to them now.

Tip #2: Fulfill Their Needs

Children have needs. The question is, are they being met? There are many types of human needs. The best model I’ve identified as a concise representation of the human need spectrum is found in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs diagram.

In short, Maslow illustrates that if basic needs aren’t being met, you can be sure other needs aren’t being met either. Now you know where to start, with your child’s basic needs. Here are a few steps on how to help fulfill your child’s needs.

Step #1: Identify is what their needs are. What are their problems, the issues they are dealing with, where they are struggling?

The best way to learn the answers to these questions is to spend time connecting with them. When you build a better relationship with they, they tend to open up more easily. This will be your time to learn more about them. And, because you most often have that fatherly experience, wisdom, and are a fountain of rich resources, you’ll probably be able to help them.

Step #2: Help them with what they need. After you’ve assessed their needs over time, applying Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you’ll probably learn that one child is not eating enough. Or, the other one spends too much time on the phone. You’ll learn that they may not feel confident or that they are bored because they are incredibly intelligent. Don’t give up on them and don’t give up on yourself. Tell them you want to help them.

Tip #3: Help Them Grow

Let your children know you want them to help build them as a person. They each have unique gifts and talents. This will make them more apt to learn certain skills that apply to their individual make up. Informing them of opportunities and possibilities is part of the role of a father. Encouraging them to take one those opportunities as they see fit is also another part of how you can show love and care.

Often, you’ll wear the hat of the banker while working with your child in their growing process. What this means is that it costs money for sports, the arts, clubs and other activities. This is where I’ve dropped the ball through the years. I’ve simply not be able to afford it. But, is this the full truth.

The way I look at this is that I could have found ways to create greater financial resources. More income, more money, I really have made some major progress here. But’s it’s fallen short. And I have felt like I’ve kept my children from life’s choicest opportunities. Like I’ve really let them down.

You may feel the same way. You too may not currently be in a financial position to fulfill their needs and invest in their growth, like I was. But, I am a firm believer that this can change, quicker than you might realize. In fact, I know it can.

If you’re interested in learning how to not allow things like money to stop you from offering a wonderful life for your family, head over to my website where my wife and I talk about how to Escape the Daily Grind. We are passionate about informing others of life’s many opportunities for growth.

All in all, be committed to wanting to help your children develop and grow. They need your guideance.

Tip #4: Teach Them

I left this tip as a one of the latest editions of all the tips. The reason? Because children only value what you have to say when they have developed a firm trust and relationship with you. Continue to connect with them by spending time with them and seeking them out. Then they will listen to you.

We all learn each day, whether we realize it or not. Sharing with your children things that you are learning, have learned, or find valuable as working knowledge is important.

The greater challenge and task lies in identifying good teaching moments. It’s important to teach knowledge, but it’s more important to teach values and lessons that apply to what they are dealing with right now in their lives.

Teaching can be coupled with listening, if executed effectively. During conversation, your child may be open to your feedback. Their cues will tell you. They may even ask for advice.

Conversation is a give and take and the child may be open to learning from you. Again, a relationship build on trust, should be a prerequisite.

Additionally, remember this:

“It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”

Anonymous

This ten word phrase if powerful, oh so powerful.

When you talk to your child, your voice inflection is vital. Less extreme variances in tone will signal a calm and controlled father. The kind of words you use and how you show respect to them will change how they respect you. Your facial expressions, bringing positivity to the conversation, even the amount of words you use, your body language, all of these things that may seem subtle are really monumental.

In other words, presentation is everything. Not fake, just effective.

Big Bonus Tip: Dates With Children

In a house of nine and with seven needy children, yeah, it’s tricky to spend one-on-one time with each child. But it can be done. It’s an effort I’ve had to rekindle more than once.

One of the neatest things my wife and I have been able to do is do on dates with our individual children. We haven’t always but when we do, they are so much more pleasant. Their needs are met because they’ve spent time with their parents.

We have fun. See local places. Get a treat or eat out. Sometimes the free dates are the best. When we make the effort, the benefits are very visible. In fact, they often ask when they are going with dad or mom on a date next.

I made a calendar in recent years that showed when each which child would go on their dates. I structured it so that every child would be on a date with one parent every month. Each week one parent would go on a date with one child. By the time the fourth week was complete, each child had gone on a date with at least one parent. Then, the next month, it would switch so that each child would have one-on-one time doing something fun, usually outside of the house, every two months.

Try and create some kind of schedule where your child can depend on you for some fun, quality time, as often as you can manage it.

Conclusion

Okay, I admit it. I am not a failure as a father. I know I’m not. I do, however, have many regrets. They hurt. But this is life.

I believe life is about waking up in the morning and taking in a deep breath of hope.

I believe the day should begin with giving yourself mentally to a divine source and by internally committing to yourself that you will honor your loved ones, that you’ll do better today.

Because, today, NOW, is all we have to work with.

We can’t live in the past. It’s only the faded memories of our mind.

We can’t live in the future. It hasn’t happened yet. But, we can plan for the future.

May you and I plan NOW to be better fathers. To live each day as if it was our last.

May we find the strength to keep on going, to keep loving, helping, guiding, teaching, listening, playing, giving, and devoting our lives to the very reason why we are father’s in the first place.

Just go for it!

Visit our website: Josh & Sarah Inspire and read Our Story. Learn more about how to Escape the Daily Grind.

Originally published at https://joshandsarahinspire.com.