Breaking Down in Front of a College Teacher

It wasn't for the reason he thought

I was in my first year of college when I struggled to exist while suffering from transmandibular jaw disorder. I was feeling constantly pathetic, because of my condition. I was feeling so much inflammation within my body, that doing any kind of physical activity, was torture. I had to attend sports classes as part of my college curriculum, and one day I couldn’t put up with it anymore.

Moments of darkness

When I was 18 years old, I was the epitome of athleticism. I could do physical activities for 8 or 9 hours having small breaks, with no problems. I would repeat this process for days at a time. I was doing karate, parkour, and street workout to top it off.

At 19 years old, I succumbed in one of the most pathetic states I could've imagined. I was struggling to do push-ups, and not dozens like I used to, but more than one.

The disease I had, poured in any physical activity lots of pain. I still tried to exercise, as it was somehow beneficial, but it was not an easy feat.

I was attending college at the time, and I was in my first year. Having to attend sports classes was a nightmare coming to fruition. It wasn’t because I struggled with doing anything, but I also had to witness tens of people the same age as me, living comfortably and healthy their lives.

It was not a sight I was looking for, because it reminded me of who I was, and what I’ve become. I would do exercises and almost feel like crying every time I would raise my head to look around at other people. I had to stop this psychological torture. I’ve decided to speak with my professor about it.

Confrunting your demons

A misunderstanding

The decision to talk to my sports professor was made after I participated in several classes. A lot of emotion accumulated within my heart, during that time.

I’ve built my courage and tried to speak with my professor about it. At that time I weighed almost 63kg (138 lbs), and my height was close to 1,8 m ( 5.9 ft), I almost looked malnourished. That was the result of my incapacity to properly eat. My jaw would hurt at the touch of solid food, so I had to be content with anything close to liquid.

Looking like a scarecrow, I approached the professor, and I told him about my issues. I tried to convey to him that I was sick, and seeing healthy people around me like him or my colleagues, made me conscious and depressed about my pitiful condition.

I simply wanted to be able to not come to his class anymore, because it didn’t do me any good. He didn’t understand that. Probably my crying started to interfere with the message he was receiving.

He was quite muscular, and what he understood by what I was telling him was the fact that I was ashamed of my body and my progress in the gym. He reassured me that I can get to a better place, that it takes time, and that I should try my best.

I couldn't care less about my weight, I wasn’t bothered by that. It was my pitiful exercise performance and being around healthy people that could do activities I used to love, that troubled me. I appreciated the intention and by the end of the conversation, he understood that my sickness was the problem. He told me to come to the class., however, I could choose to study after doing a little bit of physical exercise.

His speech inspired me to try to get better and to move forwards. It wasn’t his words but the intention I could see in his eyes. He wished that I could overcome my disease.

It was a great relief to me, and I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to get better and to exercise as much as I can.

Stumbling towards the light

I kept my promise and I would exercise whenever I could. Over time, the pain lessened and I could see real progress.

Nowadays being freed from the shackles of disease, I remind myself about that promise whenever I think about skipping my weekly training.

I think that during moments of pain you have to try to survive, with the hope that one day you are going to be better. If you can’t imagine living another day like that, try an hour, if even an hour seems like an eternity of suffering, try a minute. Partition the time such that you can fight another moment.

I got better. I now fully enjoy breaking PRs at the gym and being in a better physical condition than I ever was.

I stumbled towards the sight of a light. I was desperately dragging myself forward, wishing that someday I will get there.

After years of struggle I arrived, the sight is beautiful, I am bathing in the light that once was, my only hope.