What NOT to Say To Someone Going Through Infertility

I Know From Personal Experience…

I was extremely surprised when I couldn’t get pregnant in my younger days. Health education always taught us about how it may only take one time— cue scary music!

So, after almost half a year of “practising” yielded no results, it wasn’t very fun anymore.

What was even more surprising was how people reacted. Mind you, this was ages ago, so I hope things have changed for the better. For the most part, people have good intentions. But their “help” and “advice” often add insult to injury.

Telling someone struggling with infertility that it will just happen if they relax isn’t helpful. Nor is it useful to keep getting asked if you’ve sought medical attention. Since it’s the only thing you think about — it’s not likely that this was overlooked.

Throw in the myth that once you adopt you’ll get pregnant, which implies that a) adoption is easy, and/or b) one would only adopt to spur a biological child — you’re making a difficult situation much worse.

I learned a lot about the dos and don'ts when I attended and then later volunteered at an infertility support group.

1. Infertility comes in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes in the form of young people you wouldn’t expect would have these problems; sometimes a person who is seeking to have a child on his or her own; sometimes a gay couple; and many variations that aren’t visible to anyone guessing.
2. Everyone should feel welcome at support groups and in the community. Even if someone already has a child or children and is experiencing secondary infertility. They deserve to want to build the family they wish for.
3. Someone who went through a miscarriage is by no stretch of the imagination “lucky” to have at least been able to get pregnant. Miscarriage is the devastating loss of a child. Again, everyone is entitled to try to have the child/children they want to have and it’s not a contest. Don’t compare and do support everyone who is trying, regardless of your or their circumstances.
4. Having said all this, self-care is also important. You can honour others while honouring yourself. If you realize that sending a gift online instead of fighting back tears in person at a baby shower is the best solution — do so. After my support group spoke about various options, this is what I chose to do for many years during my struggle.

Having personally endured all this for a long time, I believe I learned to be less of a jerk in other situations. If someone confides in me about an issue, I’ve learned to say something to the effect of:

1. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
2. It sounds like it’s difficult for you.
3. I’m here for you to lend an ear or just be present.

That’s all folks. Unless you actually have trained expertise you’re able to offer, the person going through difficulty has probably heard it all before. And well-meaning pep talks usually only make things worse.

I try to apply these lessons whenever possible. It’s basically about listening more, talking less, and not being a know-it-all. Especially when you know very little.

I didn’t end up having children. But I redesigned my life to be a fulfilling one in other ways. And that’s okay too. (I actually had to tell some people to stop giving me unsolicited advice about my decision to be child-free in the end.)

I support and validate everyone no matter what journey someone is on.

And I try not to be a jerk about it.

Thank you for reading my story.

Thank you to KiKi Walter at Black Bear Recovery

For more please check out my book: https://amzn.to/3s01fDv