How In The World Is This A Vegan Burger That Meat Eaters Will Love?

To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art. — François de La Rochefoucauld

Oh, please! A vegan burger that meat eaters will love? It’s like trying to pass off a crumbled up, dried-out garden mulch as a burger patty. Nevertheless, let’s see if we can salvage this disaster of a recipe and turn it into something halfway edible.

Vegan Burger Recipe for Desperate Meat Eaters

Ingredients:

• 1 can of black beans, partially mashed
• 1/4 cup chopped walnuts
• 1/4 cup cooked farro or barley
• 1/4 cup silken tofu blended with 1/2 cup of water
• 1 tablespoon taco seasoning
• 1 cup breadcrumbs
• 1/2 onion, finely chopped and sautéed
• 1 clove of garlic, minced and sautéed
• 1–2 tablespoons of tamari or soy sauce
• A squeeze of fresh lemon juice
• Salt and pepper to taste
• Olive oil for grilling

Instructions:

1. In a large mixing bowl, combine the partially mashed black beans, chopped walnuts, cooked farro or barley, sautéed onion, sautéed garlic, taco seasoning, tamari or soy sauce, lemon juice, salt, and pepper.
2. Add the blended silken tofu and mix thoroughly.
3. Gradually add the breadcrumbs to the mixture until it reaches a consistency that holds together but is not too crumbly.
4. Form the mixture into 6 patties and refrigerate for at least 1 hour to allow the flavors to meld and the mixture to set.

After the chilling process, brush the patties with plenty of olive oil and grill for about 7 minutes on each side until you see some semblance of grill marks.

Serve these so-called burgers on a platter, but be sure to have plenty of condiments and distractions on hand to mask the taste. Maybe a side of truffle fries or a refreshing salad to cleanse your palate after this culinary misadventure. Enjoy! Or at least try to.

Wine Pairing

Now, let’s be real here. While the mixture chills in the fridge, let’s pick a wine that can help elevate this sorry excuse for a meal. I’d recommend a bottle of Domaine de la Romanée-Conti, a 2001 vintage, to help you forget the impending disappointment of this “burger.”

Bon Appetit

If you’ve managed to concoct this vegan burger without it tasting like seasoned cardboard, you’ve already surpassed expectations. Hungry for more culinary experiments that defy the laws of traditional cooking? Slam that subscribe button for an adventurous journey through the land of plant-based perplexities. And if you believe you’ve got a tweak or addition that could transform this vegan venture from bland to grand, I’m all ears — drop your green genius in the comments. Or, in the spirit of preserving culinary dignity, perhaps opt to silently relish in your success.