How Improving My Relationship With My Mother Helped Me Become A Better Man
Freedom from traumatic relationships with our parents is a luxury many people do not have.
We don’t get to choose our parents.
We didn’t get a choice in coming into this world.
We didn’t get a choice as kids when our parents projected their trauma, demons, and flaws onto us.
Even through all of this, we still love our parents.
We still hold them on a pedestal.
During my childhood and adolescent years fighting with my mother
One of the hardest lessons that I learned in life as a man was the world will never love you unconditionally, just your mother.
My mother has loved me through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
But the ugly years were the hardest. A single woman trying to raise a young man is no easy feat.
My teenage years up until my mid-twenties were like a war between my mother and me.
We fought all the time. My mother unfortunately had expectations of me that only my father could teach me.
I didn’t have a relationship with him and this showed as I searched for approval in all the wrong places.
Those younger years of battling poor self-esteem, depression, and wanting approval from my mother because I felt like I let her down feel like a distant nightmare that has left some deep wounds.
During my adult years spending time with my mother
The older I had gotten, the more the guilt ate away at me for being a shitty son in my younger years.
I knew I had to channel this guilt into something positive. This was a time to act, not to wallow in self-pity.
The first step was to take any step forward. I had always felt guilty but I found the courage to apologize to my mother for causing so many problems.
I could see a look of surprise and relief on my mother’s face.
This was the beginning of a new relationship between the two of us.
It was also a path forward to being a better man.
Realizing my part in the problem
There is nothing more freeing than personal responsibility.
There are too many demons that need exercising from the tumultuous past with my mother. The lying, the manipulation, the codependency, and the approval-seeking that I had done had followed me into adulthood.
These demons have followed me and played their part in failure in some of my relationships with women.
Taking responsibility is like holding a mirror to yourself and watching your skin burn.
The pain that you feel is unbearable at times and the only person you can blame is yourself.
What did I learn from taking responsibility:
- I had an unhealthy codependent relationship with my mother, I had to live my life knowing that one day she would no longer be here to break that cycle
- The guilt still motivates me to this day to not repeat those same mistakes, It keeps me on a path of maturity.
- Taking responsibility when you cause others harm helps build their trust in you back up.
Absence of my father
I did not live the American dream like the majority of society.
This dream would include living in a big house, a big family, and both parents who were around like a sitcom TV show.
My life as a kid was a lonely endeavor growing up in a single-parent household being raised by a single mother.
Fortunately for me, I did not have any anger towards my father for not being there.
He was absent but it wasn’t the same old story about a father abanding his child
What did I learn from my father’s absence:
- My mother never said a negative thing about my late father. She never projected negative feelings onto me from their failed marriage This enabled me to avoid any trauma that most young boys would have to deal with when the father isn’t present.
- Relationships are two-way streets. When my late father was alive, he lived in a state that was next door. I had many opportunities to build a relationship but due to selfish and insecure reasons on my part, that never happened.
- There are things that I had to learn the hard way that only a man could have taught me. The absence of a male figure in my life has been felt in my younger years.
Better late than never
Nothing in life has a linear path.
We tend to think that everything we do in life will stay the same and this includes relationships.
When my mother and I butted heads in my younger years, I always thought our relationship would be like that.
It used to burn my soul with pain thinking that I would always be fighting with my mother.
What did I learn repairing my relationship with my mother later in life:
- I was able to see her point of view on our tumultuous relationship. When you heal old wounds, it brings you a new sense of clarity
- No matter how bad things may be between someone you care about, always do your part to reconcile. It doesn’t mean it will work out the way you want it but you can sleep peacefully at night knowing you did everything you could have
- A majority of people did not have the ideal relationship with their parents contrary to popular belief. Just because someone is our mother or father doesn’t mean it won’t require work to make the relationship work
Understanding my trauma
What happens to us as kids isn’t our fault but what happens to us as adults is.
If you have a pulse, more than likely you will have some sort of trauma.
The fights, arguments, and approval-seeking have left a stain on my mind and soul.
There are things from my childhood and younger years that still affect me to this day. The trauma reveals itself now and then but I have learned to live with it.
What did I learn to understand my trauma from my past relationship with my mother:
- You will never completely get rid of all your trauma, you just learn to live a healthy life with it.
- If you don’t understand your trauma or attempt to heal it, it will take you places in life that you never planned on being in. It will take you for a joy ride.
- Dealing with my trauma is going to make or break my future romantic relationships
If your relationship with your parents wasn’t the best, don’t let it break you, let it make you.
- What was your part in it?
- Are you carrying baggage from the relationship?
- What are some of the good things you gained from that relationship?
