How Important Is An Orgasm for Great Sex?
Researchers found men want their partner to orgasm. Women should believe them…with one caveat.
Today is National Orgasm Day. I tried to get this article out earlier, but I was too busy celebrating solo. (Note to future boyfriend: I really hope next year will be more celebratory…for research purposes.)
Of course, the day got me pondering the glorious capabilities of our bodies and what makes sex great, good, and meh. And while what constitutes mindblowing sex depends on whom you ask, some similarities arise.
A recent study interviewed 78 men and women between the ages of 18–69 and asked this very question — how do you define “great sex?”
The top three answers were:
- Having an orgasm
- The emotional component
- Chemistry/connection
Forty-nine participants listed orgasms as the most essential component of great sex. And while more women than men stressed emotional connection, their reasoning circled back to numero uno. Simply put, women wanted an emotional connection because they believed emotionally invested men are also more invested in pleasuring them. No shocker there.
One respondent didn’t mince words. She said:
“Great sex definitely requires an orgasm. I have had a lot of really passionate, fun sex, but when it ends when he climaxes, the whole thing is ruined for me. It shows me that my partner didn’t care about me, he just wanted to get some. Sex without an orgasm is just a huge letdown. I don’t like to get all worked up to just be let down without release.”
More interestingly, the women who had trouble climaxing were the most likely to claim they didn’t need to finish. (And yes, I am using the word “finish” because that is what a man calls his orgasm.)
This sour grape(y) logic is troublesome. Sorry ladies, but you will never taste the wine if you don’t ask for your grapes.
The problem with women who say they don’t need to orgasm is twofold. First, when women don’t prioritize their orgasm, they indirectly communicate to their partners (and themselves) that their orgasm does not matter…ever.
Second, and more importantly, it’s a big fat lie — to yourself or your partner. These women have been conditioned by society that they don’t have a right to pleasure or watched far too many movies/porn where sex ends with the male orgasm.
Statistics vary, but the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that in heterosexual couples, men orgasm in 95% of sexual interactions, while women orgasm in 65% of sexual interactions. This has become known as the “orgasm gap.” That’s a misnomer. The orgasm gap should be called the “sex communication gap.”
To be clear, I am not saying that an orgasm is necessary for pleasurable sex. Sometimes bodies do not cooperate, and you can’t get there. Other times, it is more enjoyable to give pleasure than to receive. Sex is never scripted. It is a choose-your-own-adventure.
But while women are having fewer orgasms than men, another study found that men listed their partner’s orgasm as the top priority for great sex.
So if men want their partner to orgasm, why does the orgasm gap exist?
One answer: the penis.
Unfortunately, researchers also found that men wanted their partners to orgasm through penetrative sex. No gold stars were rewarded for other sexual acts.
Sadly, it’s nature’s cruel trick that most of the nerve endings of the clitoris are packed on the outside portion around the glans. Ignoring the glans clitoris is equivalent to a woman giving a man a blow job by only stimulating the base of the penis. Sure, it would still feel good for penis owners, but it might not get the job done.
In Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation, and Infidelity, sociologist Dr. Alice Walker dug deeper to examine how men judge great sex and why they stray. Walker found one consistent thread — men viewed their partner’s orgasm as “evidence of their sexual skill.” In other words, their egos got dinged when their partner didn’t orgasm.
But Walker‘s research had a sampling bias. She interviewed men on Ashley Madison — the site for men looking to cheat. Obviously, men who need to validate their sexual prowess will be less likely to focus on their partner’s pleasure. I would avoid those men.
But before the trolls sharpen their claws on the messenger, research has found women are guilty of the same behavior. Women fake orgasms for multitudinous reasons, but often it is to reward their partner’s valiant efforts. In other words, she doesn’t want to ding his ego either.
Solution: Leave your egos out of the bedroom. Great sex doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does have to be honest. And that takes courage. Unfortunately, when you are your authentic self and communicate your wants and needs, some people will reject you for that truth. And that’s ok.
My Grandma Ella always said, “No good thing ever got away.” The ones that leave you when you speak your truth are not your good thing.
In the movie Outside Providence, Old Man Dunphy lectures his wayward son on the intricacies of great sex. He says, “Sex is like a Chinese dinner: It ain’t over ’til you both get your cookies.”
Ok a little transactional, but god damn it…he’s right.
Why is it ok for women to eat crumbs while men eat a delicious, explosive, gooey, sometimes messy…cookie. It’s not. And this “I don’t need to orgasm” narrative needs to stop. If your brain constantly tells your body that your orgasm isn’t a priority, guess what happens? You are less likely to orgasm. Shame is the ultimate lady boner killer.
Repeat after me: Your orgasm matters.
Knit it on a throw pillow or embroider it on a t-shirt. Turn it into a meme, a bumper sticker, a hashtag, or whatever it takes to close the “sex communication gap.”
Now go eat some cookies…
Happy Orgasm Day!
“The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.” – Anais Nin
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