How I Win at Being a Guy

Without even trying

If you ever needed proof of the pernicious nature of sexism in our society, you need look no further than Kel Campbell’s essay on how she screws up being feminine. That may not be obvious to you. It’s obvious to me. Don’t worry, I’ll mansplain.

Given my five decade experiment in maintaining an internal comportment of almost perfect adolescent solipsism, the only question I had when reading Kel’s article was, “What does this tell me about me?” The answer was kind of shocking. “I can’t relate,” I thought to myself, “I don’t struggle to be a guy. I don’t even try, and I’m kind of a beast at it.”

Early Dangers

The early signs were that it wouldn’t be this easy. My mother was from a different era. She was hell bent on raising a “man,” and by “man” she not only meant the Kipling infused “If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you” kind of man, but also a gentleman. My brothers and I were subjected to constant torments and lessons similar to the testing conducted by Bene Gesserit witches. We had to shine shoes, wear wool trousers at Sunday dinner, resist any temptation to fidget, wait for the cookies to be offered, for a fork to be picked up, pull out chairs, stand when others came into the room, etc. As we approached adolescence the demands grew. We had to keep complete control of our emotions, meet all situations with detached logic, avoid even the appearance of lewdness, know when to apply cold violence, never give voice to uncertainty, etc., etc. It was all part of the patriarchal cult of male perfection, and luckily a couple of my older female cousins refused to wear bras and blew the fucking lid off of all that bullshit. I know it sounds like a cartoon, but the fight was really over bras, with my mother taking the role of monster back for the 1930’s defensive set. I watched my liberation from a second floor landing, my older brother and I eavesdropping on the all-female donnybrook in the living room below.

Liberation

Since adolescence the requirements for being a guy have been easy. I admit, for a long time the most important qualification was not being gay. Really. All you had to do was not be gay and you were a guy. It’s very easy to not be gay, unless, of course, you’re gay. Then it’s really hard, but for me not being gay was really easy because I’m not a homo, and if that wasn’t easy enough, sometime in the 80’s you didn’t even have to not be gay. I mean you could totally be gay and still be a guy, and today, of course, many of the best guys are gay. I didn’t think being a guy could get any easier, but it did.

The Easy Ways I Maintain My Guyness

I do most of following. They are all really easy, and I think they pretty much keep me in good guy standing.

1. Lay on the couch and watch football: I’m not the biggest fan of the NFL, so sometimes I read the paper while I’m watching football. I usually sleep during the second and third quarter, and that’s totally acceptable. You have to find the right pillow to lay down on the couch or you could end up with a stiff neck. With practice you can figure it out.
2. Drink Beer: Drinking beer is easy. Talking about beer is kind of boring and dumb, and ordering or buying beer can be difficult, but drinking beer is a cinch.
3. Always Have an Answer: This is easier than it sounds. The trick is, if you don’t know the answer to something, you just make it up. Really. Hopefully you’ve been practicing since the age of ten. Most guys have.
4. Stare at Tits: This would be hard except for the fact that there are so many tits in the world. They are everywhere! Get this, almost every woman has two, so if you’re in a room with two women and three guys, odds are that there are more tits than guys in the room! hopefully you have Internet access if you live in a place without women. The Internet is chock-a-block full of tits. So is the Sears catalog.
5. Know About Guns and Cars: I don’t know shit about guns or cars. I just fake it (see number 3). Here is how I do it. When the conversation comes to guns I ask, “What caliber?” as if I’m interested. Other times I say, “Field strip it and oil the barrel.” When it comes to cars I just say “manifold” and “Check for moisture under the distributor cap.” I’m telling you, that’s enough to make me a fucking grade-A “guy.”
6. Talk About Yourself: This is an important function. When non-guys get together at work and talk, they actually listen to each other and respond emotionally to the content and context of what other people say. If there are a lot of them doing this, the situation can “snowball” and then they often get hysterical and try to get someone fired. Guys help the situation by disregarding the context and emotional content of the conversation and talk about themselves instead. So, when co-workers are gathered and someone says something like, “My daughter stole my car last night and I haven’t seen her this morning,” you might be tempted to reply with something like, “Really? How awful,” but you shouldn’t. Instead, you should say, “When I was her age, I stole my grandfather’s tractor and put it in the bottom of a lake.” I’m telling you, it sounds kind of difficult, but again, talking about yourself and ignoring others is easy once you get the hang of it.
7. Maintain a “Physique”: Unlike all the feminine beauty requirements that Kel talks about, you can be any shape or size and be a good guy. All you have to do is stand topless in the mirror and yell things like “Look at this! The physique!” Then you strike a pose. Any pose will do.
8. Learn How to Take a Fall: Women, rightfully, get upset when they get blamed for shit they didn’t do. I think it’s because we have been blaming them unfairly since ancient Sumer and they’ve had enough of it. It’s especially galling to them because they fuck up way less than guys do. So, having released our last slaves, there is nobody to blame for some stuff. We all know that sometimes things just get screwed up. A good guy will step up and say, “I fucked up,” or “I forgot,” or “I didn’t read that e-mail.” There is just enough of the patriarchy left that it probably will cost us less than anyone else in the room, so step up. Like everything else about being a guy, it’s easy if you practice.