How I weaned myself of comfort buying

If all my material possessions or acquisitions flashed before my eyes, as I lay on my death-bed, well, it would be a tidal wave of things.

It would be like a season of largely fruitless taking, because there is so much physical stuff that I have uselessly bought or that I have acquired simply as comfort goods.

Now I’m not entirely “having a go at myself” because I also love pretty things and feel comforted by beautiful figurines, jewelry, and objects around me, some of which are practical.

It’s true that if you have an empty space in your Soul-self, you will fill it up with something, which may be inanimate possessions.

Plenty of them too.

It is the chase and the idea of something thrilling and wonderful or pleasing that is the “carrot.”

The trouble is that the carrot is the magic carrot, forever replenishing itself, never eaten, even a tiny bit.

That is until you fix yourself up.

On one hand I can forgive myself for surrounding myself with tangible things as part of an essential process called “surviving.”

If I hadn’t been able to use my hard earned income on buying beautiful and enjoyable things for me to focus on and pretend that “everything was okay”, I may have “gone down the plughole.”

I am very grateful for the good fortune in my Life that led to me having a regular secure job and the things that go with it, and for my good fortunes being a source for acquiring my needs and extras.

It’s okay for people to say “live simply” and don’t buy what you don’t need, but when you have been traumatized and beaten down and made to feel like you are bad and worthless, you attempt to fill the empty spaces with whatever is easy and seemingly worthwhile to get.

Yes, I have been surrounded by an over abundance of things up until this year, but as soon as I woke up out of my terrified waking slumber of 44 years, and came to accept that I was born equal to anyone else, and there’s no need to compare myself to others or to hide myself away or keep mute, the release began.

I am lucky that I am well organised and intelligent and able to prioritize, and that I have planned to fund or finance my essential expenses, and that I have people around me who can help me.

Always at the back of my mind while squirreling away things like there was no tomorrow, was the knowledge or the thought that, of course I can, and should save “for a rainy day” or at least for my retirement.

Who else would do that, if not me, but still, images of the elusive beautiful and of the wonderful would constantly be in the forefront of my mind.

The things that you surround yourself with are, of course, indicative of your tastes and your interests, e.g. I am surrounded by animal figurines, and by books, fairies, mythical creatures, toys, clocks, and crystals.

Celine in a bucket, if the bucket was a pail of magic sand that poured out, creating her amazing safe world of gentle woodland creatures, and unicorns and fairies in a rainbow crystalline world, where there was all the time in the world.

Release the Kraken!

So said Zeus in “Clash of the Titans.” Well, getting over your un-healthy hoarding habit, is about a clash of the titans of “this makes me real” with “I am real.”

I hoarded because it made me feel safe.

Onlookers may say that I was greedy or selfish, or silly or foolish. But I was none of these. Believe me, I struggled to relent.

I tried to release the stranglehold of grief, guilt, sorrow, anger, depression and despair, that caused my addiction.

When you have so many holes in you, caused by inter country adoption, being sexually abused when you were 11 years old, and facing racism, sexism and other discrimination, sadly you have no survival option but to plug up the holes.

The diamond in the rough got chipped.

I could have been a leader. I may have been a famous writer or television personality or a Director or a Manager earning 3 times what I am now.

When I was at Primary school, aged 10, I was the leader. I was the Queen and I organised the castle and my minions, and the other kids loved it. Children are naturals and my play-mates were quite happy for me to take the reins.

My creativity and craftsmanship and my potential was crushed. It went ‘south”. As it sunk into an abyss, so rose my ability to see what I couldn’t have, where it didn’t exist.

All the amazing physical stuff that was available to me was so alluring, because it meant something priceless to me, it meant I could have something that I thought that I wanted.

In the meantime, I meant little or nothing to me. I never knew that I was in love with an ideal, not with the actual thing.

It dawned upon me last year that I will always be thinking about the next thing to acquire, and then the next …. and the one after that.

I realized that I had an inferiority complex, and that I had been operating subconsciously on the expectation of a future that, to me, was controlled and pleasurable.

If I wasn’t happy in the “Now”, I could create a happy “future”, even if it was one of eagerly waiting, then receiving a package in the mail; or picking up something bright and new to place in my home.

Then I realized that the thing wasn’t what I wanted, it was the “getting” that I needed, the getting of a sense of who I was.

The getting of wisdom

To this day, my Life is still tinged with sadness because of so much hurt, fear and despair that I have felt. I went through things no child should have gone through. It’s taken a long time for the whispers in the dark to go away.

But on a positive note, with my release of holding too fast to the past (or release of letting the “past” take precedence), and with my focus re-located to the okay me, I have stopped hoarding.

When I fell in love with myself, I matured. No more dreams about not making the grade or losing my passport, or not passing a test.

I gradually weaned myself of comfort buying, through keeping the inner flame of the true me going.

Writing has been very therapeutic for me, along with starting to feel acknowledged and no longer a nobody, because more and more people are appreciating, and being helped by, what I share.

With this and with positive reflections and resolve, and support from others; I have passed the self-imposed test of “are you a likeable and a good human being?”

Yes I am, even if I still have toys. I am unique and an amazing person.

You can wean yourself of comfort buying too, if you realize how awesome you are and if you get the help that you need, and get real (lasting) comfort from claiming all the wonderful things that you have done and that you are.

Excessive buying can come from loneliness, distress, lack of self-worth, or despair; as much as from anything else. I know. I also know that you can break out of the cycle.

Be brave. Speak out, get what you want and deserve, from having your say. Realize your worth. Most importantly, look at what you have got, not what you haven’t got.

The day I stopped hankering after buying stuff was the day that I started to truly value myself. 💙 💛 😍 😺 💚

Thanks for reading!

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About the Author

Celine Lai was born in Malaya (not Malaysia) and is the oldest inter-country adopted person in Australia. She loves reading and writing, and runs WordPress blogs and writes technical documents. She blogs mainly on Fascinating Animals.

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