How I Stopped Self-Abandoning in Dating and Relationships

Losing someone is always difficult but losing yourself in the process of relating is much worse. Not only are we faced with the challenge of getting over someone but also the challenge of re-building ourselves.

Of course, it’s natural to be faced with identity problems in the aftermath of a breakup but some of us have it harder than others.

I myself have dated people for a mere few months and completely lost myself in the pursuit of something more. Self-abandonment seemed to be my default mode of action in new partnerships. I would disregard my own feelings, wants, and needs to appease someone else. I would neglect hobbies, priorities, and goal pursuits because love was always my ultimate goal.

Needless to say, recurring patterns of losing myself meant something had to change. I put way too much credence in winning the acceptance of someone else and when I wasn’t chosen, I was broken. In this, I took their rejection as a sign of my own self-worth and saw being loved by another as a prize.

With each break up, I was forced to rebuild myself and find enjoyment in my life again.

I wanted to share with you my turning point in stopping a habit of self-abandonment…

I Started To Create A Life I Loved

To put it simply, I self-abandoned because I didn’t have a self I cared to keep around. It was easy to let my life go in pursuit of someone else’s love because I didn’t enjoy my life. The moment I was faced with the intoxicating warmth of attraction and love, it was like choosing between a great-big chocolate cake and a celery stick.

I mean, it’s obvious, right? If we have a life of our own which is full of joy, excitement, and passion, why would we want to abandon it? It’s easy to let your boundaries slide when you’re defending something you don’t care about. The moment I began to find my authentic expression and integrate it into my own life, everything changed.

No longer did I want to cancel and neglect my own plans when dating someone new because I now cared about my own life, too. In this new light, I have started to become more comfortable in my own space. Understand that when we are dissatisfied with our lives we will turn outwards to seek satisfaction elsewhere. Beginning to build a life you love creates a source of positivity that you can tap into whenever you want.

There is nothing better than this. Dating no longer becomes an anxious game with incredibly high stakes. You no longer desperately wish to be chosen to feel happiness and excitement because you can source it from your own life. You no longer desire the approval of someone else to validate your worth because you’re actively doing that yourself.

An Unexpected Result

When I started Above The Middle -my blog/YouTube- channel, I wasn’t expecting the remarkable impact it has had on my self-worth. Actively pursuing something that I wanted helped develop a sense of belief in myself I previously lacked. Taking this into dating, I am able to bounce back easier from rejection and the prospect of rejection.

I feel more at ease knowing I am capable of relying on myself if things don’t work out. Previously, the anxiety that would arise from fear of abandonment would lead me to having an undercurrent of desperation in the dating sphere. That was not attractive. Now, I believe I approach dating with a stronger sense of self.

This Is A Process

To say I am incapable of self-abandonment despite all of the above would be a lie. I still grapple with my own self-worth but I am getting better. Even as I am dating someone new I am still brushing up against insecurities on the daily. What if I am rejected?, What if this doesn’t work out?, What if I’m not good enough?. Thoughts of this nature still ricochet back and forth from time to time but my perception towards those thoughts have since changed.

For one, I do not entertain these thoughts. My aim is to turn these around as often as I can and use each of these thoughts patterns as opportunities to reinforce my own sense of self.

“What if I’m not good enough?” becomes “But I am good enough and a relationship doesn’t define that”.

“What if I am rejected?” is changed too “I may be rejected, but that does not mean there is anything flawed about me”.

And “What if this doesn’t work out?” becomes “It may not work out but that means it is not right and I will be ok”.

If you are someone who is prone to self-abandonment I prompt you to look at your own life and see where your dissatisfaction lies. Can you add more passion and purpose like I did? Beginning to create a life you love WILL impact your ability to stay centered in relationships. It has certainly helped me and I hope it does you, too.

That’s all from me in this article. Thanks for reading! I’d appreciate it if you could give the article a few *claps* and give the page a follow, too. I post 3 times a week on subjects relating to personal development, mental health, and authentic living.

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