How I Stopped Punishing Myself

I learned the difference between discipline and punishment

Even after years of healing trauma and CPTSD, I still struggle with self-love. This manifests as self-critical thoughts, words, and actions. When I make a mistake, I beat myself up for it. I relive my choices over and over, revisiting feelings of guilt and shame. This is just one of the ways I punish myself for my imperfections.

If I don’t wake up early enough, I set my alarm even earlier the next day. If I don't eat healthy, I make myself run too far and too long. My self-punishment even seeps into my relationships, where I put a limit on the amount of love and support I receive from others.

Self-punishment is addictive, as many toxic behaviors are. It can feel like the only way to compensate for our failures. Often, self-punishment is easier than communicating to others what we’re going through. It happens when we don’t accept our human imperfections. It’s one of the ways we resist loving ourselves.

The difference between self-discipline and self-punishment

Self-discipline and self-punishment are rooted in different emotions and have different results.

Self-punishment is rooted in guilt and shame. When we have a low tolerance for our mistakes — perhaps a learned behavior from our parents, mentors, or religion — we use self-punishment as a way to process our guilt and shame. We figure we deserve to be punished for our mistakes, so we do it ourselves.

Self-punishment is a vicious cycle. It’s rooted in feelings of unworthiness. It stagnates growth and wreaks havoc in our lives. It gets momentum from the idea that we “aren’t enough.” Every time we make a mistake, we pile on more punishment. It’s ineffective and it feels awful.

Self-punishment stagnates growth and wreaks havoc in our lives.

Sometimes self-punishment can disguise itself as self-discipline. Don’t be fooled by this trick.

Self-discipline is rooted in empowerment. It feels good and expansive. Self-discipline is a healthy mechanism for self-improvement. It’s all about setting goals and making mistakes. We do hard things to achieve a desired result. We embrace our goals and the possibility of failure. In fact, failure is essential. We do our best work when failure is an option.

Self-discipline helps us become the most powerful versions of ourselves. It’s the compassionate approach to achieving our goals. Even when self-discipline is hard, it’s empowering (whereas self-punishment is never empowering).

Self-discipline is the compassionate approach to achieving our goals.

When we self-discipline, compassion is key. The more compassion we show ourselves, the more we achieve our goals and enjoy our lives.

Many of us have to learn proper self-discipline as an adult. Parents, society, and religion often fail to show us how to discipline ourselves compassionately. They don’t teach us the difference between self-discipline and self-punishment.

Self-discipline is a form of self-love

Self-discipline is rooted in love.

Let’s get one thing straight: you are worthy of love, no matter what. Self-love is unconditional. That means there are no conditions. That means you do not need to do or not do anything to love yourself. You can love yourself if you act poorly. You can love yourself through your imperfections. You can fail and still love yourself.

True self-discipline is when you hold compassion and mistakes in the same space. It’s when you accept your mistake and move past it. Don’t succumb to the inner critic telling you you’re stupid, or unproductive, or that you always make mistakes.

True self-discipline is when you stop punishing yourself.

How I stop punishing myself

I do three things to break out of my cycles of self-punishment.

I forgive myself

When I wake up late, I tell myself that I needed the sleep.

You don’t have to pay extra for your mistakes. There is a version of every bad decision where you call it a bad decision and move on. There’s a version of you where you forgive yourself for your mistakes.

Make forgiveness part of your life. It doesn’t just feel good, it’s also practical. When you forgive yourself and move on, your maintain your forward momentum. You move onto bigger and better things.

I talk to my inner child

Inner child work is great for self-punishers. It’s been great for me. With the help of a therapist or coach, I talk to the child inside me that wants to be loved and supported. I give her love and support because she deserves it.

You deserve unconditional love and support. There is no limit to the amount of love you deserve. You can’t love yourself “too much.” You aren’t selfish for loving yourself. You’re wholesome.

I get curious

To end cycles of self-punishment, I get curious instead of getting mad. I ask myself questions and I listen to my answers.

Why am I sleeping through my alarm? Maybe I’m overworked. Maybe I don’t like my job. Maybe I’m not a morning person. Maybe I need more sleep.

Curiosity is compassion.

Once I got curious about my morning routine, I realized I had no good reason to set my alarm early. Instead of getting mad at myself for sleeping in, I started sleeping in. By breaking my cycle of self-punishment, I uncovered acceptance. I redefined my goals. I’ve been feeling very well-rested as a result.

Sometimes we punish ourselves just for the sake of it. We beat ourselves up out of habit. You can end cycles of self-punishment with self-revelation.

Give yourself a break

How are you punishing yourself? Is it with thoughts, words, or actions? Are you saying mean things to yourself? Are you putting yourself down? Are you giving yourself consequences for not fulfilling your unrealistic expectations?

Break your cycles of self-punishment. They don’t serve you. Stop bringing yourself to extremes when you fail. Accept your humanness. Allow for your imperfections. Embrace a new pattern where you love yourself, no matter what.

Amanda is a coach who helps creative people through blocks and trauma. Find her on Instagram or book a discovery call.