How I plan on making $10,000 this month on Medium
A fool-Proof method for monetary bliss
In the one week I have spent on Medium, I have made $0.96 after spending countless hours setting up multiple fake accounts and commenting ‘funny stuff’ under my own articles — This makes me an expert in understanding the intricacies of Medium’s paywall.
I am also very self-aware, so I know that a majority of the people on this platform are not as smart as me and would like to gain advice from a seasoned professional.
Luckily for those reading, I am going to be the housing market crash to your Michael Burry, the common cold to your annoying Uncle’s will, the insider trader to your 50x stock pick.
So join me as I reveal my blueprint for a $10,000 a month pay-day on Medium. The least I expect in return is a hefty commission on each and every penny you make for the rest of your life.
Strategy #1 — Write 600 articles a day
Since time = money, I cannot afford to spend even a second writing any of my own content.
In order to maximise my earning potential, my 9–5 is already divided between tweeting about productivity, networking with strangers on Reddit and following wealth pages on Tiktok.
While writing my own stuff would’ve been ideal, my hustle mentality and incomparable work ethic stops me from trying to write or do anything of real value. Thus, I have decided to outsource all my content to contractors from countries where the minimum wage is far lower than mine. After hiring over 150 writers for a lumpsum cost of $16 a month, I will be dishing out an average of 600 new articles every single day.
This strategy will benefit me in two ways. Firstly, my fake accounts will be clapping, commenting and reading my own content in order to increase my organic reach.
Secondly, I would have spam posted so much throughout the day that not a single medium user will even have the opportunity to view another writer’s work — in the business world this is known as the first-mover advantage.
Here’s my assessment of the strategy.
Threats — Possibility of the best workers asking for a raise.
Solution — I will never compliment anyone, they will all think they’re doing a bad job.
Chance of Success — 10/10 (No one works harder than underpaid freelancers).
Potential Upside — I expect to earn close to $5,000 in the first month alone. Then double it every month starting March.
If you don’t be doublin’ you don’t be hustlin’ — u/MartinLooterKing
Strategy #2 — Cold-Emailing (With a hint of Malfeasance)
Cold-emailing generally has a very low success rate, but my tactic ensures that anyone in the world who is stupid enough to click on an anonymous email link will provide me with passive income.
I’ve partnered up with Facebook to introduce a Medium-specific social engineering hack in the form of an unsolicited link. Once a prospective user clicks on what they think is an invitation to go clubbing with the pope or whatever other ludicrous activity they desire the most, they end up paying for a yearly subscription for Medium through my affiliate link.
And don’t worry about having to go through the mundane process of filling in your credit card details and personal information, we already have access to all of that.
The initial testing round didn’t go the way we thought it would, with a majority of our potential customers avoiding the email bait. Here were the least clicked-on titles.
- ‘Donate $5 to save the planet’.
- ‘How to generate a stable income’
- ‘Click here if you support gender equality’
But, after a little bit of tweaking, our most ignored emails ended up generating the most revenue. Here’s what we changed them to.
- ‘Watch Leonardo Dicaprio attempt to save the planet in Don’t Look Up’.
- ‘I made $49 million in my first week on Medium — Here’s how I did it’.
- Boobs.
After noticing the degrading IQ of our target demographic, we’re planning to dumb down the platform with new title updates such as ‘Ransomware —Lifestyle & Access-ing your information’ and ‘What kind of cyber-crime are you most likely to fall victim to’?
Here’s my assessment of the strategy
Threats — People stop falling for clickbaity titles.
Solution — I’ll let them be themselves, the urge to click on an email link about making free money or receiving a $5 Mcdonald’s voucher will resurface eventually.
Chance of Success — 10/10 (My fake titles are so compelling that I couldn’t even stop myself from falling victim — it was the boobs one, for those wondering).
Potential Upside — It’s early days so I expect to rack up no more than 50,000 unique victims in the first month. Facebook normally gets into gear come election time, so I can expect a monthly commission of at least $15 million by 2024.
I’ve just given you the two biggest secrets to my monetary milestone in under 4 minutes. So the next time some flashy “Top-Writer” says that it it’s your consistency, networking skills or quality of writing that‘ll help you achieve monetary bliss, send me a DM and I’ll make sure their inbox never feels lonely again.
Disclaimer: This article is a joke and meant for humour purposes only.
