How I Met My Shadow Self, and How You Can Meet Yours
They say writing about your experiences is healing, because it sheds light on the shadows in yourself and your life. A good story usually involves some happy and sad parts. It won’t be a good story if it was all happy and shiny, or all miserable. It’s a good story because of its contradictions and twists, and the lessons that are carefully weaved into them.
And just like that, our human stories are not linear or direct and they do not fall into one category or another. They’re complex, deep, and full of ups and downs. They represent the concept of shadow and light being inseparable from each other, as when you shed light, you also cast a shadow.
The human self can be seen as a union of dark and light. The dark represents the negative traits we all hold, while the light represents the positive traits. The concept of the shadow self was first popularized in the West by Psychologist Carl Jung. The shadow self is created when our dark sides are hidden and suppressed in the unconscious. It represents hidden desires, uncomfortable emotions, and certain sides of ourselves that we either aren’t aware of, or suppress due to fear and shame. Although the shadow self is said to be discovered by Jung, it is also said to originate in Shamanism.
The shadow self can harbor toxic beliefs and assumptions about what reality is and what you’re capable of. For example, you may have a shadow assumption that you’re unworthy. This shadow may have been created in your childhood through being punished in school or at home for not meeting certain expectations. Or because someone you cared about had abandoned you, and caused you deep pain. This may have caused you to unconsciously believe that you’re not good enough. It is also created through social conditioning, through the things society shames and rejects. Our shadow selves may be as unique and diverse as our conscious selves, but they all point to things we are unaware of, or struggle to accept.
Meeting My Shadow Self
I met my shadow through suffering. I suffered from anxiety for years and it had deeply destabilized my sense of well-being. It’s common to meet the shadow through suffering because when we suffer, we begin to search for answers to find relief. I began to feel a deep sense of unease that pushed me to delve deeper into myself. I began to ask questions about why I feel the way I feel, and that’s how I stumbled upon my shadow. I wanted to know how I grew into unease, and why I felt like life is a constant struggle. I wanted to know why I developed distorted perception of my self and my capabilities. I discovered that struggling with anxiety made me feel like I am weak, and like there’s some major flaw in my psychological make up. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to wake up not having negative thoughts and getting into constant fights with myself trying to quite my mind.
And I discovered that it’s only possible to have peace through meeting and accepting my shadow.
The shadow self is said to develop because of pain or rejection. I discovered that most of my inner struggle was due to my reluctance to accept this dark side of my self. I felt ashamed of having anxiety. I felt like I needed to hide it because if people knew what is going on within me, then they’d judge me and reject me. And that is caused in a major way by my upbringing. I grew up in a society that shames mental health issues. It was encouraged to keep any mental health issue “hush, hush” because otherwise our reputations will suffer. This sends an unconscious message that suffering from any psychological problem is wrong and you will be rejected for it. I didn’t realize I internalized this message until later in my journey and after diving deep into my psyche. I realized that I was actually carrying this message unconsciously and it was causing me pain, hurting my self-confidence, and making me feel like I am flawed in some major way, and that whatever I am struggling with psychologically should be kept hidden.
This realization deeply empowered me to move forward, and to finally begin healing, not from my anxiety, but from the suffering that comes from rejecting it. I may still struggle with some anxiety but I don’t have to reject myself because of it. And self-rejection is a whole layer of pain that is created through not accepting our full selves so we throw the parts we deem undesirable into the shadow.
After getting to know myself more, I discovered that I am also a highly sensitive person, and that’s another trait that’s not welcomed in my society. I internalized the message that I needed to toughen up because sensitive people are seen as cry babies or weak. My sensitivity is part of me. I’ve always been sensitive since I was a child. Every time there was some type of conflict in my environment, I felt a deep sense of unease that I felt like I had to hide. I can be sensitive to other people’s moods and emotions, and I struggled to accept that. I can also be sensitive to loud sounds, bright artificial light, and heavy crowds. Being highly sensitive or HSP has been discovered to be a biological trait that is present in about 20% of the population. And it can also make one more susceptible to anxiety and depression because the nervous system is more sensitive to the environment. My sensitivity is not something I intentionally create; It’s part of my human blueprint.
The negative view of sensitivity in society is another unconscious message that me, and so many others, internalize, and causes us to reject our selves. There are so many examples of things and traits that are not deemed as desirable or good, and so we grow up hiding them. And we feel like we’re not good enough because of them.
After uncovering the source of my pain, I understood that I didn’t need to hide my full self. I now see my anxiety as a gift that increased my awareness of the struggles of being human and gave me an opportunity to learn more about cultivating inner peace through accepting both dark and light. I now see my sensitivity as a gift that helps me empathize with others. And even if there are sides of me that are not necessarily gifts, they’re still just as worthy of being accepted. And the same is true for you.
How to Meet Your Shadow Self
Get curious about how you feel. Ask yourself questions about the thoughts and emotions that cause you pain. Try to understand why they’re there. It is advised that you meet your shadow in safe and comfortable settings. And it is especially advised to practice a lot of self-love and self-acceptance in the process. The meeting of the shadow self is known as shadow work. This process can be done alone or through the help of a professional, or someone you trust. It doesn’t have a specific timeline as it’s journey of coming back to your self and reclaiming the parts that you’ve rejected. It’s a journey of understanding your unconscious and learning to get comfortable with it, and not be afraid of it. It’s making peace with your dark side.
This process is also known as integration of the shadow because you bring the hidden parts of your self into the light and accept them as part of your wholeness.
https://lonerwolf.com/shadow-work-demons/ Loner Wolf is a website that personally helped me understand shadow work, through a spiritual lens. If you’re into spirituality, then this may be a good place to start. But it may help you even if you’re not necessarily spiritual. It offers a shadow work journal that you can download and work with. It has a variety of questions that you can answer to get to know the core unconscious beliefs that limit you. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201602/working-the-shadow This is a link to an article in Psychology Today for additional insights into the shadow. And you can also do further research.
The Wisdom of the Shadow
The message of the shadow self may contradict the idea that we need to better ourselves. However, the frantic need to better ourselves is in itself a shadow that society casts upon us by having us believe that we are not enough as we are. It’s not surprising that as people seek to better themselves, they can also experience increased levels of anxiety and depression. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-care-is-hard#1 This is an article that describes how the messages we receive on social media that we need to practice self-care can actually cause more anxiety as we begin to feel pressured to practice self-care in a quest to improve ourselves. This pressure involves a fundamental lack of acceptance of ourselves and our actual needs. It’s paradoxical but it’s real, and it complements the message of the shadow.
Becoming aware of the shadow self helps us make improvements only when we fully understand and accept our selves as we are, including our limitations. It’s important we don’t confuse changing our habits for changing our selves. If you seek to change the side of yourself that you don’t like, instead of accepting it and understanding it, you can set yourself up for inner struggle and friction. Maybe you’re sensitive like me, but you think it’s bad and so you try to learn tricks to decrease your sensitivity. Understanding the nature of your sensitivity and its purpose in the bigger story of who you are is a wiser more fulfilling choice than suppressing it because of an unconscious belief that it’s wrong. After understanding how your dark side plays into the story of who you are, you can learn how to live better through self-understanding. For example, because I now understand that sensitivity is part of me, instead of rejecting it, I accept it and when I feel overwhelmed, I can take steps to soothe myself instead of judging myself for being sensitive.
I believe that our shadows is where we can find a deeper sense of peace and fulfillment, because they make us unique. The twists and contradictions in our stories make us whole. The shadow is inseparable from the light, but we learned to hide it because understanding the depths of the human journey is not something that’s typically highlighted in society. In fact, it’s mostly suppressed and hidden due to a lack of understanding of how dark completes light.
The shadow self can be a source of emotional richness and deep wisdom. As Jorge Luis Borges, a writer and a poet, once said: “All that happens to us, including our humiliations, our misfortunes, our embarrassment, all is given to us as raw material, as clay, so that we may shape our art”.
Embracing your shadow can help you understand the imperfections of life on a deeper level. It can help you become whole and grounded knowing that darkness is a normal part of being human, and you don’t need to run away from it.
And if you’re struggling with feelings of shame, guilt, or fear because of a mental health issue, an inner insecurity, or any part of your self you keep hidden, know that you are worthy, you are human, and you are whole. Your darkness makes you unique, and it’s as important as your light.
