Satire

How I made four figures my first week writing on Medium

0 is a figure, after all…

I joined Medium on January 19, 2021. I remember that day like it was six weeks ago. It was a chilly Tuesday afternoon in Madrid, Spain. Traces of snow from the biggest blizzard in five decades still covered the streets. And… well, I won’t go into further detail because you’re expecting humor, not a weather report.

I felt burned out at work as a translator and editor.

I was sick and tired of Covid — literally, since I had just been infected two weeks earlier.

When one is bored and frustrated, when life has lost all meaning… the obvious solution is to join a blogger platform where thousands of other writers are scrambling around on a daily basis just to be heard.

So I did.

Six days later, after perusing dozens of articles on how other bloggers had earned MILLION$ over the past few years; after analyzing the metrics of viral articles that had accrued thousands of VPS (views per second — it’s a real thing I just made up); after decoding Medium’s ever-changing payment algorithms and studying the curation patterns of its editors… the obvious conclusion was that I had enough experience as a reader to know I could start writing.

So I did.

It was clear to me that by creating my own publication and cranking out articles to the mediumsphere on a daily basis I would make four figures that last week of January.

So I did.

“What?” you say, incredulous. “That’s impossible! No one has ever done that in the history of Medium or in any other history of anything else ever!”

I did, and I have proof:

As you can see, my phone battery was pretty much charged and I had a strong Wi-Fi signal, although my cell phone coverage could have been better.

Oh, and also… I made three cents. Notice how I stretched out the amount by writing it in words, not digits.

Now — and this is important, so pay attention, folks — even though Medium counts my earnings for the entire month, I started writing on Monday, January 25th. I published an article a day until Sunday, January 31st. That’s seven days by my count, and seven days is a week… even in Spain. So, to summarize:

$0.03

One week.

Four figures.

“Nah-ah,” you say, wagging your finger at me. “That’s only three figures! You’re just another one of those con artists that roam around Medium trying to click-bait gullible readers into swallowing your plethora of lies hook, line, and sinker.”

And to that accusation, I dutifully reply: First off, wow! That was a beautifully phrased rant. I’m impressed. And, in second place, I can explain.

Isn’t $ a figure? So… we have $, followed by two 0s and a 3. Four figures. I could stretch credibility by counting the decimal point as a figure, but I don’t want to break my reader’s trust. (I placed that apostrophe correctly — I have just one reader.)

Outraged, you stop wagging your finger at me and start jabbing it forcefully into my chest as your eyes narrow into slits. “You ignorant expat! The $ is not a figure! You can’t just make up #!@*&% like that. Even the word #!@*&% doesn’t include a $, you moron!”

I take a step back and rub my tender pectoral muscle. Sorry, sorry, I misspoke. What I meant was, I use a trailing zero, like so: $0.030. See? Four figures; three 0s and one 3. Does that count?

Foam bubbles from your mouth and a bluish vein throbs on your forehead. You raise a ham-sized fist and prepare to rain down blows on my quivering body.

Euros, I scream. Euros!

Your arm hovers in midair as you stand there, puzzled.

I… I live in Spain. We use euros. And $0.03 at the exchange rate of $1.20 per euro is… 0.025.

Four figures!!!

You humbly hang your head, realizing that this entire article was not, technically speaking, click-bait. You can’t report me to the Medium Police.

As you swipe left to read a different story, a brilliant idea pops into my mind for my next piece.

Medium just messaged me saying I earned $7.51 in February. So the title of my upcoming article will be:

How to increase your earnings on Medium by 25,933% from one month to the next.

Now all I have to do is think of a clever subtitle so readers keep scrolling down…