How I Love Myself Again and Again

10 ways to practice self-love when the going gets tough

Self-love is a big word and the concept probably began around 380B.C. with the Greek philosopher, Aristotle, and philautia. It has also been discussed much over centuries amongst philosophers, theologians, spiritual leaders, and psychologists. Its resurgence happened again recently, as we are going through a pretty extreme time of crisis, although not quite like an actual World War thankfully.

As an integrative health coach-in-training, we are often taught the concepts of self-love, its importance, and significance to a woman’s overall health. I confess that even with the self-awareness and knowledge of self-love, the practice of self-love on myself still remains one of my biggest weaknesses.

How did I come to this revelation? Of late, I have noticed increased frequency in misunderstandings and arguments in my closest relationships. And that spurred me to reflect and take stock of what have I been missing or misdoing.

The Constant Tug-of-War

The head knows to “love thyself”, yet the heart and actions aren't able to keep them aligned. How many of you struggle with this emotional tug-of-war? I know I do, most of my life. As such, it has always been one of those life’s pursuit of mine to bridge this gap, like the work of coaches aim to achieve for others.

There’s a saying that says, the furthest distance in life is the 18 inches from the heart to the head. Metamorphically, it symbolizes how our feeling and thinking are not the same, that our emotions (that spur from our heart from inside out) are certainly not the same as our thoughts.

Recently, I have been pretty stressed at work, and I neglected my own emotional and physical needs, so much so, I slipped into a negative dark cycle of self-hatred which affected my sense of self-worth.

Now that the “storm” has subsided, with a clearer head and calmer heart, I came to an epiphany of what self-love entails. As I am learning to (re)love myself again, and these are what I learn and how I do it.

10 Ways of Staying in Love with Yourself

1.) Our self-worth is not determined by the number of “I-love-yous” we get or the amount of sales profit we hit in a day.

Our self worth is truly and solely ours to determine and hold. We each are so unique, to the point that, biologically speaking, we have our own set of DNA that no one has else. That alone makes each of us super rare and super worthy.

2.) Allow thyself to cry when the going is really tough.

This year 2020 has pretty stressful already, and living in uncertain times just add more mental load. Allow ourselves the gift of crying also helps to release the tension that we may unconsciously hold onto.

There is strength in tears and healing in the natural lubricants of our eyes.

In fact, crying also helps to release oxytocin and other endorphins, which in turn helps the body to return to a state of calmness. (Not to mention, you are also cleaning your nose. :P)

3.) Atmosphere matters: put on some good ol’ love oldies and jazz.

There is something in the tunes of the 50s and 60s that just make me feel good and loved again. Nat King Cole, Ella Fitzgerald, Dionne Warwick, Elvis Presley does the trick for me most times, to create the atmosphere of this fuzzy feeling.

Sing L-O-V-E anyone?

4.) Look at baby animals or pups.

Research has shown that looking at baby animals and pups actually help one to relieve stress and anxiety. It also improves focus and productivity. I have carved out time intentionally throughout the day to look at them, and somehow it has made me appreciate myself more. Beagles are the best!

5.) Recite self-love mantras or statements.

Lately, it has been the 4 Hawaiian Ho'opono-pono statements, which stands for ho’o (“to make”) and pono (“right”). The second -pono emphasizes being “doubly-right” with self and with others.

The four statements are very simple and easy, they are:

• I’m sorry
• Please forgive me
• Thank you
• I love you

I recite them when I lay my head on the bed at night or in the morning when I am about to get up. And you can also say this to yourself. An example, I call my name out: “Yan, I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”.

As I recite these four simple statements, I allow myself one major step, asking for forgiveness for my mistakes. These three simple words gradually heal my inner wounds, thus allowing gratitude and love to enter into my heart.

Many times, when we hear the sincere words “ I am sorry”, lots of misunderstandings, tensions, and arguments can actually be avoided.

Don’t underestimate the genuine act of self-forgiveness. Forgiveness goes a long way. This is a constant lifelong exercise for me and has changed my life.

6.) Journal — the stories we tell ourselves shape our minds and hearts.

Writing my thoughts out helps me to reflect and see how much negative hate I have given myself. It has also continued to awaken my mind to my personal beliefs and values, and how I define and perceive what love and self-love is.

Sometimes, reading articles on self-love and self-compassion also helped to remind me that many of us are on this journey together.

7.) Be comfortable, really comfortable with thyself — go on self-dates.

Whoever said you cannot give yourself the gift of surprise? I longed for physical dates, but being in a long-distance relationship often means this is an impossible rarity.

I have gradually learned to set a date with myself by intentionally going out with myself, imagining I am holding my beau’s hand, observing the sights, and taking in all the sounds, or just simply, bringing myself out to places I enjoy.

8.) Reduce contacts or environments that are not loving.

One thing that has also been life-changing is just refusing to include media and social news. That means deactivating or deleting apps that no longer allow me to focus on time for myself.

I also say “no” to any gatherings or contacts that I don’t feel like it is of positive support. (But that’s not to say, I isolate myself and become a hermit. I still do the responsible thing as a citizen such as voting or being socially responsible when I am out.)

9.) Unlock your inner creative goddess with a vision board.

This activity which I learn during health coaching has helped me and many others a lot. The time set aside to gather images and texts of my vision and values has helped to elevate love and appreciation for who I am and have.

10.) Snuggle up, it’s Fall after all.

And if all else fails, I just eat a nourishing hearty meal, snug up in bed with thick socks and play a funny comedy or animated movie, with an ambient temperature of 25 Celsius / 77 Fahrenheit, and just hide under the sheets, knowing that, this too shall pass. Love is always in the air, if we just unveil our rose-colored glasses, see it and feel it.

Parting Thoughts

Society has often put a label on how love should look like, usually, as an expression applied unto others. And even in the practice of self-love, sometimes it can feel pressurizing to appear a certain way of loving ourselves.

The truth is, everyone’s emotional needs differ throughout their life stages. There is no right-or-wrong way of a self-love practice, as long as you “do-no-harm” to yourself and to others. Be patient with yourself. Self-love truly is an act of allowing ourselves to be just who we are.

And even though I failed many times in the past on the practice of self-love, through the last few weeks, I have grown to learn more about myself and falling in love with myself once more. As long as I am being authentic and in integrity with myself, I recognized the beauty of my flaws. I am smiling once more.

Hello there, Thanks for reading. I am honored and grateful for your time. I don’t claim to know everything, but I will always strive to share every single bit of truth with thought and humility.

If you like to read more of my stories and be inspired along the way, Let’s connect. One real story at a time, one practical move at a time.